I caught my husband committing incest. We are now separated, but I’m being told I owe him sex. I don’t plan to return to this man, so do I owe him sex while we are separated?
Question:
My husband and I both attend the same church but we are separated. I have no intention of reconciling with him. I have been separated from him before and took him back after he stated that he was born again and was a "changed man". We moved back together, had rocky times, but I thought we were okay until I found his 19-year-old daughter giving him oral sex in our home. I had suspicions and prayed about it and told God if I was accurate I was ready to find out, was awaken at night to walk downstairs to find this act. I do not ever want to have sex with him again.
Since then he has sought counseling from an Assistant Pastor at our church. I elected for no marriage counseling because of my desire not to reconcile. The Assistant Pastor told him to ask me where in the Bible does it state that when you are separated that you do not have sex. I feel my circumstance is very unique (although there is nothing new under the sun, as in scripture) and even though I cannot find the Scriptures to state point-blank that, I believe that sex is not intended during separation. I feel my husband needs help and should receive counseling for his problem before he thinks about anything else.
Either way I still no longer want to be with him. I no longer see him as the man I thought he was. Also, for a little background: My husband has cheated on me more times than I can count. I have known him for 17 years and married for 8. I have been through so much in this marriage, it will take months to tell of all the difficult times. Due to the troubled times and in particular this last incident I will not give it another chance; it's time to move on.
According to my perception of Scripture, I believe that the purpose of sexual intercourse is for the coming together of the two. I don't want to come back together. I originally had a question but began venting because I can't really talk about this to anyone due to the nature of the incident. Question: Is there Scriptures to support that a woman and man should not have sex during separation? Regardless I still will not have sex with him, I just want to inform this Assistant Pastor of an area where he is not as knowledgeable or rather be corrected. I know I must forgive and I am allowing God to deal with me daily for complete forgiveness.
Answer:
In the Scriptures there isn't the direct concept of separation was we define it today. Back then a married couple was either married or they were divorced. Our laws add a period of separation for a chance for two arguing adults to cool down before they take the drastic action of divorce. You are correct that sex is not included in a separated couple -- think of it as being step one toward getting a divorce.
I really don't care to prove this to this "Assistant Pastor," who wears a title not found in the Scriptures. But if you are interested, Paul told couples who were separating (not for divorce reasons, but just because of circumstances), "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (I Corinthians 7:5). Therefore, a period of separation does imply a lack of sex, which is why married couples are encouraged not to remain separated long.
In your particular case, I more amazed that you put up with this person for so long. He broke his marriage covenant long ago. Because of this, you have the right to leave him and, if you so choose, to find a real man who will make a fitting spouse. "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9). He committed adultery and gives no indication that he has changed -- despite his going to counseling. He has made his choice and the consequence of that choice is living the rest of his life without sex because he has forfeited his right to marry anyone else.
If you do decide to marry again, learn your lesson. Don't marry a man who wants sex outside of marriage. Marry a Christian who honors God above else.
