I can’t stop committing fornication
Question:
Hi,
I love the things of God and like to do his bidding. I love evangelism and missionary work, which I engage in, and am happy doing it well. I am in my thirties and still single.
My regret is that around December last I ventured into a relationship with a lady. We were playing cool with each other, having my standard of no sex until after the wedding. One night she called me and asked whether I was home, to which I answered yes. She said I should leave the door open for her, which I did, not knowing what had gotten over me. To be sincere with you, I can't explain why or how we ended up having sex. After some time, she walked away having gotten what she needed.
Since then I can't resist sexual temptation. I kept falling until last spring when I finally came back to my senses. I regret and lament over my lost glory. Anytime I remember her I will feel a strong urge for sex. Sometimes I will end up having sex or masturbating.
I terribly regret my actions. My life is in mess. I can't really detect how and why I'm doing this. I can't explain why I'm so easily attracted to ladies for sex. Almost all sexual sins I've ever committed were initiated by ladies with who we've never been in a relationship. I can't explain why sir. I'm in trouble. Who can help me out?
Even yesterday, when I returned from a journey, immediately a lady called me and asked if I was home. I answered that I just returned from a journey. Lo and behold, she came, and not 30 minutes later we ended up having sex with me on top of the lady. During the process of having sex my mind flashed back, you said you won't do it again. Secondly, you regretted the previous ones, why are you doing it again? I lamented on her, instead of enjoying the sex, if I might have called it enjoyment. I ended up regretting it and was bitter in spirit.
Sir, I can't help myself any longer, seeing how girls are coming around. I'm dying in silence. Please help me out. I hate the sexual sins from my youth coming up, but now that I'm an adult I can't explain why my spirituality is declining rapidly. I'm not like I was before. Something is wrong with me. Maybe I'm possessed. Please, with tears on my face, please help me.
My desire to be righteous is fluctuating. I don't know how God feels about me and the ministry He has given me, and I don't whether He has forsaken me and can't deliver me again. I'm too wretched. Other sins are outside of the body, but he who sins sexually sins against his soul. Brother, I've sinned against my soul time without number. He who commits sexual sins destroys his soul according to Proverbs.
All my thoughts now are on suicide because I can't live to see myself committing sexual sins again and again without a deliverer. I'm tired of being this way. I was not like this just last year. My life is messed up, ruined, and wretched. No, I think I need to leave the face of the earth. If God will not help me to stop my sinful ways, it is better I die to go to where He is. I will silently do away with my life without anyone knowing that I killed myself.
Answer:
You are being a bit over-dramatic. Yes, you are living a sinful life. "Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, "The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously"?" (James 4:4-5). But James goes on to say that you can leave your sins. No matter how great your sins, "But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble." Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you" (James 4:6-7).
First, let's make it clear: You cannot be in fellowship with God while continuing to commit fornication. "This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth" (I John 1:5-6). Paul states it very clearly: "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10).
Second, what I notice throughout your note is that you avoid accepting responsibility for your decisions. You said repeatedly that you don't know why you are giving into sex; yet, sex doesn't happen accidentally. Actually, the decision was made when you opened your door to each woman, but even before that, you thought about it. But since the women initiated the sexual encounters, you avoid thinking about your choices because there is someone else to blame.
Fornication is a rare sin where a person sins against himself while engaging in sin with another person. "Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body" (I Corinthians 6:18). Therefore, the first step out of this hole is to accept that you chose to jump into it.
No one can make you not sin. That has to be your choice. God isn't going to take away your free choice to serve Him. But that also means you continue to have the freedom to say "no" to sin. "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it" (I Corinthians 10:13).
One of the more common mistakes people make is to focus on the endpoint instead of seeing that reaching the end point means making a series of decisions. If you understand that sexual intercourse is wrong, you can't wait until you are naked and on top of a woman to decide to avoid fornication. "Do not enter the path of the wicked, And do not walk in the way of evil. Avoid it, do not travel on it; Turn away from it and pass on" (Proverbs 4:14-15). The decision has to be at the very start -- before you are sexually aroused. If you want to live righteously, the answer to all offers of sex is "no." It means your door remains locked. It means you hang up on women whom you have had sex with in the past.
Hell isn't worth these brief moments of pleasure. And suicide won't keep you out of hell because suicide is a form of murder. You need to do what you claim you want -- give up the sexual sins.
