I am miserable after my divorce
Question:
I recently got a divorce, not by my choosing, but because of my actions -- I cheated on my wife on numerous occasions. I am also a recovering drug addict. I can't honestly say how many times I left her all alone at the house with our children. I put her through misery, not intentionally but because I was scared every person in my life had left me. I thought she would too, so why not hurt her before she hurt me? Insane, I know, and as much as this sounds like a lie, I truly loved her.
In the last year of our marriage, I started asking God to make me a better husband to save my marriage -- to fix me basically. Well, needless to say, this did not happen. She left me, took the kids, and moved another man into the bed I used to sleep in. I was utterly heartbroken. I still am, and it's been over a year. I understand, you reap what you sow. I just want her back. It's just that I don't see that happening. I can't see God taking her away from me, giving her to someone else, and then back to me. I know it won't happen, but I pray every day for it. I even asked Him to take my desire for her away. I cry still, at least once every couple of days, over her. I think about suicide all the time, to the extent of trying it twice. I don't know, I might try it again sometime soon. I don't see myself happy without her. I don't want anyone else. Everyone says give it time, but I'm not sure if can I go on. What's the point? I'm miserable. I need help. I need God.
I don't know who will read this, but please pray for me if you do.
Answer:
You are correct that you reap what you sow. "For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life" (Galatians 6:8). You've spent a lot of time in your past chasing after sin. "Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles -- when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries" (I Peter 4:1-3).
What many people don't realize is that the idea that your reap what you sow goes further. A farmer expects to harvest more than he planted and in the same way, you get back more than you sow in your life. "They sow the wind, and reap the whirlwind" (Hosea 8:7).
I'm glad you wanted to improve, but I hope you realized that it takes more than just prayer to become a better man. Prayer keeps you focused, but you have to apply what God teaches to your life. "Therefore lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does" (James 1:21-25). When a person expects God to do all the work, then he is avoiding responsibility for the choices he has made. You did it again when you asked God to take away your desire for your wife.
In fact, did you notice that you blamed God when you said He took your wife away? He didn't do that. You drove her away with your sins. She chose to leave. But what God desired was for both of you to leave sin behind and live together in righteousness. Your adultery did give your wife the right to divorce you and marry another man. She didn't have to do it, but from your description of the situation, it is understandable why she made the choice to leave you.
As sad as the situation became, it cannot be fixed by sinning. Sin is never a solution and suicide is a sin. Life might be miserable at the moment, but I'm positive that eternity in hell will make life seem easy. Suicide is a sin. Satan makes it sound like an escape, but it is only a one-way ticket to hell.
So let's put this back into perspective. You miss your family, and I don't blame you. However, your past sins have consequences that limit your choices if you want to reach heaven. Until your wife passes away, you must remain chaste. Focus on fixing yourself. Finish getting out of drugs. Put your personal life back together. Start diving into God's Word and become a true Christian. Start living a Christian life and be a benefit to your children and other people. Help make this world a better place because you lived in it. You have a choice: you can live in the misery of your past, or you can focus on where you are going in the future. "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:13-14).
