How do we deal with a rebellious teenage daughter?

Question:

Dear Mr. Hamilton,

We wrote you a year ago with a query concerning the raising of our children. First and foremost, we would like to thank you, as our situation has substantially improved. We are, however, writing to follow up, if you would be so kind.

We have gotten things under control with our younger children. We are still struggling to reach our 13-year-old daughter.

We thought long and hard and prayed deeply regarding your response as well as the notes on discipline. We ultimately realized, as you said, that we were treating the threat of action as the action itself (all talk).

We instituted a clear set of family rules and associated consequences, both positive and negative. We ultimately had to incorporate spanking with the younger kids, particularly the boys, who did not take things seriously at first. But we only had to try it a few times before the message got across, and it became infrequent and ultimately nil.

That being said, we received a more positive response with clear rules and expectations than anything else (i.e., if you meet this expectation, you will receive a reward, rather than if you don't, you will face a punishment).

My wife was especially hesitant to go this route. Our church teaches “gentle parenting” techniques and is opposed to this sort of formal carrot-and-stick structure. She and I both had overly strict childhoods and remain resolute that we’ll never make the mistake of going that route with our kids.

It was my idea to overhaul our parenting strategy — but during the first few months of the new system of rules — even I felt like we were having to mete out discipline all the time to where it was becoming counterproductive and difficult to keep track of who had gained or lost what privilege or what have you. But eventually the kids began to realize that we meant business.

It was mostly incredible. Around month six, things started simmering down, and we became a cohesive, peaceful, and happy household, just living our lives. The exception was our oldest, who was not receptive and only rebelled more forcefully as we tried to enforce this new structure.

This was particularly surprising for us because she used to be the easy one of the bunch, but we chalked it up to the big adjustment. As time went on, though, her acting out was not only disruptive for us as parents, but it also hindered the development of the younger children who looked to her as a role model.

We thought it would resolve with consistency on our part over time, but it is only getting worse. We have tried suspending privileges and removing favorite items (she does not have a cell phone at all; we are waiting for her 16th birthday), grounding her to the house, assigning additional chores, and requiring reflective essay writing.

Of course, we have also had many long talks about why she is making these choices. Until recently, it was nothing extreme. Just lots of back talk, slacking on basic weekly chores, and pointless rule-breaking (e.g., using a cuss word for no reason or turning on the TV when she knows it is not the scheduled time.) We don’t think she even really knows why she has begun acting out so much. It definitely corresponded to our introduction of the formal family rule structure (though we always had general expectations, we did not have it written down, agreed upon, and set in stone like we do now).

To add to the mystery, she continues to excel in school, receiving glowing comments from her teachers, and the same is true for her extracurricular activities, both of which are quite competitive and demanding.

Now that she is officially entering the teen years, where all the troubles really start, we are especially uneasy about not having a firm sense of control over her at home and the examples she is setting for the younger kids. We do not know what to do but want to be sure we take whatever action is necessary before something truly serious were to happen to her as a result of her choices.

While being mouthy, testing limits, or being untimely with chores may be annoying, they are not our primary concern, and those alone would not have prompted us to seek advice. And until recently, that’s all it’s been. There have recently been a couple of serious incidents that moved us to write to you for advice.

At one point last month, our daughter told us she was going to one friend’s house, but was actually going to see another whom we had forbidden her to contact. In that instance, because she both disobeyed our direction not to associate with this girl and lied in a way that could have jeopardized her safety, I made the executive decision that she was to receive a spanking.

There was the usual routine of threatening to call the police, but there’s nothing illegal about it in our state. I gave her a few swats. She was upset at the time, but more so because she felt she had “lost” the altercation than anything else. Nevertheless, I hoped that the severe punishment would be enough of a wake-up call, as we had never spanked her before.

We deliberately chose not to incorporate spanking with her when we instituted this new discipline regime with the other kids because she was already on the older side and really the most mellow and obedient overall until now.

This recent rebellion is unprecedented. Other than a few fights where both girls were a bit at fault and some lip, she’s always been a model kid. Until last month, we thought she was just testing us with the usual stuff all kids go through, and if we stood our ground, it would pass.

We had hoped that since we reacted immediately to the first incident of potentially hazardous disobedience, it would be a one-time fluke brought on by the bad influence of a friend. Today we learned she forged a note to leave her summer day camp—and when staff alerted us and she was found—she was with this same girl from the earlier incident!

This is an escalation in her misbehavior that we never expected. We do not know what triggered it, and we are unsure of the best response. We have spoken to her to no end and gotten nowhere other than her stating she wanted to hang out with this friend and knew we would not permit it. She has not hinted at anything deeper. Her teachers, coaches, and her friends’ parents are not aware of anything going on, and nothing of note is happening in our home.

It is challenging to raise these questions in our church because it is a wonderful community in most ways. Still, there is a culture of everyone wanting to appear as perfect parents with perfect children and perfect families. This makes seeking counsel on this issue without inviting shallow criticism and violating our daughter's privacy immensely difficult.

We appreciate your consideration in advance. We have always sought the Bible as our guide in parenting, and it is challenging to reconcile our past experiences, modern advances in child development, and various interpretations of scripture with the realities of each unique and individual child. We appreciate you taking the time to field questions such as these.