How do I straighten out the mess I’m in?
Question:
Hi,
I have a big problem and I need some guidance, please. It's a long story, so please bear with me.
I grew up in a church of Christ and got baptized when I was younger. I did not really have a full understanding; I think I may need to redo it. I have recommitted myself to following the Lord. This is where my problems start, not that following the Lord is any problem; but now my fiancé wants to leave me and take our infant. His reasoning is because of sex -- the fact that he is not getting any. We can't get married because he is still married, something that I did not find out until we had been together for a while.
I have been married twice, and have three children from those marriages. The first marriage ended in divorce for infidelity by him on many occasions. We also had religious differences. I'm just a Christian, he was in a denomination. The second marriage was just a mess. He was addicted to drugs, and foolishly thought I could help him, or love it out of him. I was wrong, but it took a while for me to realize it.
OK, so more about my present relationship. We have been together almost three years now. When we first started our relationship was just physical. Like I said before, I was not thinking about God at that point in my life. He told me he was a Christian, and I just assumed that we could be happy, he could get his divorce, (he told me they only got married so he could be legal), we could get married and be good Christians. This is not working out. He is Catholic or claims to be because of his family. The fact that I decided to repent of my sins, and started going to church, and start trying to learn more about God's Word had only made him resent me. I have tried to explain why I feel the way I do, and where in the Bible we can look and find these things. This makes him mad. As a Catholic, he feels bad to read the Bible because he has been told it is too difficult to understand by a regular person. We are constantly butting heads about everything. I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to help him understand Christianity? He doesn't want to hear me. He says he is just fine the way he is. He says that I have no right to deny him sex because we have been together for a while, and I was OK with it before we have a child together. I'm so tired of hearing how stupid I am and hearing the other things he says to me. He constantly puts me down, and constantly bosses about everything. He is so controlling.
Should I just let him go? If he goes, he will fight me to take the baby. I'm just tired. I don't even think I would marry him anyway now. He has killed any love I had for him by the way he treats me and the kids. Any advice? I know I got myself into this and the other bad situations in my life by not putting God first.
Answer:
I'm glad you are finally using your head and realizing that you need to obey God. As Jesus asked, "But why do you call Me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do the things which I say?" (Luke 6:46). It is a shame that the church you grew up in failed in its duties to instill in you a love of the truth, but that doesn't mean you can develop it properly. Now doing what is right does lead to consequences that might not be pleasant in the short term. In the long term, it will benefit you, your children, and your future generations. But you are going to have to make some hard choices to get back on track.
Some of the problems you face revolve around the issue of marriage and divorce, so I want you to read: I need a dumbed-down version about divorce and remarriage. Read it first before continuing and make sure you look at all the passages. Then we can see how matters currently stack up against God's laws.
The man you are with used his marriage to commit fraud, at least that is what he is claiming. He got married to gain citizenship and once he has it, he plans on divorcing the woman he married. The problem is that this doesn't give him the right to divorce or remarry. He is currently committing adultery against his wife (Romans 7:2-3). The adulterer in a divorce doesn't have a right to another marriage (Mark 10:11-12).
While your first marriage ended because your husband was unfaithful, you don't indicate that adultery was a reason for ending your second marriage. That being the case, you don't have a right to another marriage either. "Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife" (I Corinthians 7:10-11). Your only option is to remain single and stay out of sexual sins until your husband solves his problems and the two of you can reconcile -- which might never happen. I perfectly understand that this is tough on a young person who has not bothered with self-control in the past.
I assume you are still living with this man. If so, the first step is to move out. If necessary, talk to the elders of your church or your family for help getting established as a single mom. The second step is to talk to a lawyer about getting full legal custody of your child. I suspect that this might turn out to be straightforward as the man will not want it brought to the court's attention that his immigration status is fraudulent. If he makes threats of physical violence, then I strongly suggest that you move out of the area to protect yourself and the children.
None of this is pleasant, but sins often mess up lives and have lasting consequences you never considered while you were involved in them. However, it is doable and you have a chance to drastically change the future of your children's lives. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
