How do I punish a child who is now bigger than me?
Question:
I have been struggling with the issue of discipline with our older two children. Traditionally, in our family, when a child reaches age twelve it is generally assumed that they are too old to be spanked and other punishments, such as grounding, are used. Our son is sixteen and beginning to show tremendous disrespect. He more or less laughs at me when I tell him he's grounded. I can occasionally withhold some privileges, which occasionally work for a short time, but all in all, I feel his behavior has gotten way out of hand. I am a single mother of four children. My eldest son is taller than I am, so the option of turning him over my knee is no longer available, although I am convinced it would do him some good. Even the threat of a potential spanking would probably keep him in line. His behavior is rubbing off on my younger children, especially my fourteen-year-old daughter. I would like to curb his behavior as soon as possible. I think I would even like my daughter to know that spanking is still a threat in serious situations, such as the continued disrespect they have recently shown me. I have been searching Christian sites all over the Internet for advice on this matter. You are the first I have attempted to contact. Your site seems to provide a lot of healthy insight. Anyway, I was hoping you could advise me on my situation. Should I pursue having my older children spanked when necessary, particularly my son? There are a couple of family members and one of my son's church leaders who would probably be willing to do the job if I asked them. One of our church leaders has continuously asked us if we need anything and offered to help our family. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to run this issue by him? What do you recommend I do? Should I go as far as to having him spanked? Obviously I have a lot of questions and I feel I need some direction on this matter. Thank you in advance for your time and God bless.
Answer:
While being a single mother of older teenage boys is difficult, it is not impossible. It just requires more effort on your part to make up for the missing father in the family. Before going into detail, let me say that gaining your son's respect is important to his future. His attitude toward women in general and toward his wife, in particular, is being shaped by his interactions with you. One of the reasons a father is important to a teenage boy is that the boy models how to treat women upon his father's example. Since he doesn't have a father in his life, recruit an uncle or a trusted man at church to help you with this task. It needs to be someone who is nearby, able and willing to spend time with the boy on at least a weekly basis. If you can find a man with sons about your own son's age, the gentleman can probably just add your son to the various activities that he does with his own boys.
As you realize, you need help in the enforcement of discipline. You don't want your son growing up thinking that because he is bigger than someone else, he can do as he pleases. It is a bad attitude that can quickly get him into trouble. In finding help, it would be best that the same man involved in role modeling for your son is also the one who helps with the discipline. If you get separate individuals, then there will be no balance in his relationship. One man would always be the bad guy and the other the good guy. It is better for your son to see that good behavior brings rewards and bad behavior brings punishment from the same person. You also need a person who holds the same philosophy in disciplining children as you do. The last thing you need is an argument with the boy's mentor about what is an appropriate punishment in this situation. In discussing your situation with this gentleman, you need to find out if he can be available quickly in an emergency situation. Though I pray that it never happens to you, I do know of cases when a boy becomes so wild that he lashes out physically. Yes, you can call the police in such a situation, but a man used to handling teenage boys can often diffuse the situation quickly if he is present. I have found that government officials tend to overreact in difficult situations because their primary goal is the safety of society, not necessarily what is best for an individual boy.
There will be times when nothing seems to go right and you need time to regroup your emotions. However, having a powder keg in the form of a teenage boy makes that near impossible. What I find works well is to make arrangements in advance that when the situation occurs, the boy goes to live for a few days or even weeks with his mentor's family. This gives you the breathing space you need and the boy gets a stable role model who can give him more one-on-one attention for a short period of time.
Grounding is almost unenforceable for a single parent. Your child is home more than you are because you must work. No punishment is effective if it can't be monitored and enforced. In addition, you backed yourself into a corner because you have no alternative to use if he chooses not to abide by the grounding. First, read through the Scriptures that show the variety of punishments available to you as a parent (see the notes on Disciplining Children). Next, put on your thinking cap and be a bit more innovative. Select a punishment or two that is directed at the cause of his misbehavior. If you need ideas in this area, write to me about specific situations and I'll try to give you some ideas. Finally, since your son is at the age when he wants more independence, calmly tell him what he did wrong, why it was wrong, and give him a choice of punishments. If he selects a spanking because he wants to get it over with quickly, call up his mentor and make arrangements. Don't let him select "none of the above."
For certain situations, spanking will be the only practical punishment. I would suggest using it in cases of physical violence and willful defiance. By defiance, I mean situations where he is acting as if he just dares you to try and control his behavior. Spanking should also be used as the backup when he breaks the conditions of punishment. In a very real sense, the refusal to be punished is an act of defiance. Again, make arrangements with his mentor. It is best to have the punishment given as close to the time of misbehavior as possible, though it is not critical with a teenager.
One trap to avoid is being inconsistent. I tried making an arrangement like the above with one single mother. However, she didn't always let me know when the boy needs disciplining. About the only time she called was when she was totally fed up with him, so he learned to push her just far enough, but not too far. She was miserable, but she couldn't see that her inconsistency was behind her misery. Even if it is late at night, or it has been three days in a row, call for help when it is needed. The consistency will eventually wear your son's misbehavior down. There will be periods where it will flare back up, but chipping at the stone in a steady fashion will eventually bring him back into line. The difficult part is that since you let it get out of hand, it will require more effort and more time to bring him back to a properly disciplined life.
The hardest thing for you to do as a mother is to handle your boy's misbehaviors in as calm of a fashion as possible. It is really tough for a woman because most women think in emotional terms. It is very easy, too easy, to get caught up in his emotional storms. Boys respond better to objective reasoning, even when they are at the moment in emotional chaos. To know there is an anchor to latch on to is a great relief to a teenage boy. Thus, when your emotions go wild, you will need to find yourself another outlet away from the kids. Even though he will not like being punished and will complain about it and try to rebel against it, deep down he knows he deserves it. He will appreciate that you were reasonable when he wasn't. Even if he doesn't express it, always keep in mind that you are molding a future citizen and Christian. That he doesn't like being shaped is of little consequence in the long run.
Question:
Thank you so much for your prompt and detailed response. You can't imagine what a sense of relief it is to finally have someone to discuss this issue with who can understand my dilemma. I am quite confident that I would like to find a capable authority figure for my son and I feel a strong sense of urgency. He seems to be pushing his limits. For instance, yesterday he was grounded and expected to come home immediately after school. Not only did I not see him until dinner time, but he left the house in the evening thinking I wouldn't even notice. And that was after I extended his grounding for the rest of the week. What I would have given to have had someone's assistance last night! I can tell you he would have received the spanking of his life. I agree with your statement. I think the ideal would be to have him spanked whenever he violates a grounding or disrespects me the way he did last night. I would like him to know beforehand what the consequences will be, but I feel at a loss considering I haven't gotten anyone lined up yet. The last thing I want is to threaten him with a spanking and not be able to follow through with it.
Earlier today I made a couple of calls: one to my sister and one to the mother of one of his friends, who happens to be where he was yesterday. I discussed the issue with my sister. She agreed with me for the most part and felt confident that she could have her husband help me. The problem I have is he won't be around consistently considering they live hours away. Under the current circumstances, I will probably use his help if it's available and work toward a better arrangement. I would appreciate your thoughts. I didn't feel as comfortable going into much detail in my other discussion but I did mention my intentions and hope that discussion will turn something up. She shared with me some helpful advice and also seemed supportive. They have a very traditional family and well-behaved kids. At least she knows to send my son home if he shows up again this week and I did give them permission to administer a spanking if ever necessary (for what it was worth).
I feel like I'm making great headway, but I hope I'm not being too anxious. I also wonder your opinion on my approach. In your work have there been many seeking your help in matters such as this? I can't help but wish that you, or a leader like you, lived close to us. I appreciate your help and hope this isn't a menace to your busy schedule.
Answer:
Your concern about getting your responses in place first and then discussing them with your son is legitimate. You don't want him to further develop the habit of ignoring your instructions. Enough has occurred already since he has been ignoring your attempts to ground him.
You could use your sister's home as the place to send your son when he gets to be too much of a handful if your brother-in-law believes he can handle him. The prime difficulty is that the distance would interfere with schooling unless you can also make additional arrangements. However, it is worth considering. You are correct that it won't do for day-to-day problems.
You did make an important step. You incorporated the help of those you know. You may not be able to count on them, but often times people who would otherwise be helpful are unable to do so because they don't know what is happening. Even the small act of sending your boy home during the week of grounding is going to interfere with his plans and demonstrate that adults will work in concert. I wouldn't suggest calling each time he is grounded, but each time you find out where he has gone, calling that place and politely asking that they either send him back home or notify you so you can pick him up would be a step in the right direction.
Now, since at the moment (soon to remedied, we hope) grounding is not working and spanking is not available, let's consider something that can be done. For example, how is he traveling to his friends' homes during his grounding? If he has a driver's license, you can confiscate it during the time of the grounding. If he has a bicycle, find someone willing to store it for you during his grounding. Make leaving home as inconvenient as possible without physically trying to keep him there. If he is getting an allowance, drop that during the grounding. There is no reason to fund his adventures. If he still doesn't get the message, start removing privileges from his room and your home. Put the video game system, the television, the phone extension in his room, and the like into storage where he has no access -- preferably at someone else's place. Do this while he is away so that there is no direct confrontation. He will be upset when he gets back, but simply sigh and say you're sorry that he chose to make his grounding more difficult. Let him know that they will return after the end of the grounding, which was extended a small amount because he left.
Don't leave groundings or confiscations open-ended. For many reasons, teenage boys have a hard time dealing with vagueness. Always give him a set period of time. Expect to be greeted with an emotional storm when he finds his things missing, but resolve to be calm, pleasant, but no-nonsense in response. "Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord. Therefore "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:17-21). Don't take his remarks personally. He broke rules that have set consequences. The problem is his, not yours.
I doubt you will reach this point, but in case he is particularly stubborn, start eliminating the frills in his room. While he might think that they belong to him, the reality is that you are responsible for food, shelter, and clothing. The rest are privileges that can be revoked. If needed, you can remove knickknacks, posters, toys, and whatever else you deem necessary. In an extreme case, he could end up with a mattress to sleep on, a box to store his folded clothes, and a few items hanging in the closet. It shouldn't get close to this point, but I want you to realize the possibilities open to you. It won't take long before he is going wonder "Should I go to Fred's house and risk losing something else or stay home?"
Now, let's plan for extreme contingencies. If during this time your son ever physically strikes or threatens you, immediately call the police. As I mentioned before, I don't like involving them if it can be avoided. Their goals are different than your own. However, your safety must come first. You have other children to consider. If they request permission to remove your son from your home on a temporary basis, you can give your son the choice of going to your sister's home for a period of time or going with the police. Most offices will take him for a few days for psychological evaluations. Once this can of worms is opened, you will need to follow it through to the end. Do not rescue him. Just remember that it was his choices that led to this moment, not yours.
Thank you for your kind words. You're not the first that has told me that they wished I was nearby. However, we each do what we can and accept the fact that we are limited beings.
Question:
I again want to express how much your words of advice are appreciated and how much help they have been to me. The timing for them couldn't be better. I sense a sincere concern for our family's well being and I believe our world could use more people like you. Thank you.
Anyway, I had another talk with my sister yesterday. She discussed this issue with her husband the evening prior and found that he is more than willing to help, and I would add, capable of doing the job. I haven't decided exactly how to follow through with taking him up on his generous offer, but I'll have to say, I felt a huge sense of relief and comfort when I got the news. My overall concern is the well-being of my children and particularly my son's.
What I have in mind is to schedule a meeting involving my son, my sister, her husband, and me. I'm considering having my older daughter present as well. I want her to know that she is subject to the same treatment if her behavior doesn't improve. The topic will obviously be my son's recent behavior. I would like my son to be involved in the discussion. I would like him to explain why he has been behaving the way he has and why he just left on Monday despite his being grounded. I want to explain that from now on this behavior will not be tolerated and that since grounding isn't doing the trick, then we're going to try spanking. My thinking is that he will resist even being in the meeting. I know he won't be comfortable with discussing his punishment in front of everyone like this, but I want him to know how serious I am. If he tries to leave or act out during the meeting I will have him spanked then and there and the meeting will continue afterward. I do want the meeting to result in him being spanked. I have thought it through and I consider that to be the best option. I wanted to take care of this issue today considering that my sister's family will be with us for a few more days. This will help me monitor his behavior and determine if any more spankings are necessary while I know I have the help.
I guess I am telling you all this in the hope that I have your support and that I am making the right decision and that I'm covering any necessary concerns. As far as follow up after my sister leaves, I will continue to look for another mentor for my son. Hopefully, spankings won't be needed too often and that the threat of knowing one is available will be enough most of the time. If things get way out of hand I can have one of our close neighbors pay us a visit and at least mediate the situation. Hopefully, I'll hear back from you, especially if you feel I'm making any mistakes or rash judgments.
Answer:
I do have a few concerns, but by the time you receive this, the meeting will already have been conducted. I hope there were improvements made, but my experience is that it will be too soon to tell.
First, you're approaching laying down the law with your son in the wrong manner. Boys rarely do well explaining the reasons for their actions. They are not "wired" for verbal discussion like girls and in their late-teenage years, few boys think through their actions. Things are done impulsively with little thought given as to why. Your brother-in-law can confirm this as he thinks back to his own teenage years. Thus, I would give high odds that the group counseling session fell flat because he was "uncooperative."
A better approach with a boy is to tell him what recent actions he did that were wrong and why they are wrong. It might lead to a discussion about the ethics of certain choices, but more likely it will earn a heavy glare. You then layout your future expectations and what the consequences will be. Again you may get a protest that may open the way for discussion, but more likely he won't believe you until it actually happens.
Unfortunately, since your brother-in-law will be delivering the consequences in the short-term, any improvement in behavior is likely also to be short-term. After all, children aren't dumb. He will know that his uncle isn't going to be in the area next week, so he will decide to lay low for a while and then continue as he had before.
I know you strongly want a solution to your problem, but there won't be any quick fixes. It is going to take time and effort. Because the stronger measures are not practically available to you, you need to focus on what you can do instead of hanging your hopes on things that you won't be able to do. There are several disciplinary measures available to you. They might not work as quickly as spanking, but they can improve the situation over time.
Question:
I received your message after the fact. In fact with things so busy I didn't read it until yesterday. You are right about him not being cooperative with the idea of having a meeting. I simply mentioned the meeting as we were preparing dinner and he immediately balked about it and refused to meet with us. With all the stress of getting things ready, I bit my tongue and ignored his reaction while letting it really bother me. There were a couple of times I almost just had him taken out and punished, but I really wanted his spanking, at least to some degree, to be a result of his breaking the rules of his grounding. Later that evening I took my brother-in-law aside and we discussed what would be our best option. I gave him permission to spank anytime he felt it necessary. (I really hope I didn't make any mistakes.) We decided that we would tell him when it was time to meet and if he resisted, then a spanking would result and the meeting would immediately follow (which is more or less what happened). The meeting ended up being with just my brother-in-law, my son, and me. I figured things were too out of hand to involve anyone else. When it was time, I asked him to join us, he refused at first until his uncle asked him if he needed to be carried in. Finally, we got together in my room and as soon as we addressed his behavior he attempted to storm out, which immediately resulted in a thorough spanking, after which the meeting was finished. I laid down some rules and let him know that consequences now would involve spankings when necessary. He did not like the idea and stated that he's way too old. My response was as long as he acts too old then spankings won't be necessary, but until then these are the rules. My brother-in-law told him that he would drive out anytime necessary, even in the middle of the night. Judging by my son's reaction, he took him seriously.
These last few days have been humbling for my son and even for me. I feel bad that it came to spanking, but I really feel it was the right choice. For what it's worth, his behavior is better, he's finishing off his extended grounding, and hasn't left once. I am praying that things will continue to improve. I am so thankful for you and your site. I know I would still be butting heads with my son if it weren't for the reassurance. I'm sure you have helped many people in such dire situations and may you be blessed for it. Anything you might suggest at this point would be appreciated. I know the battle is not over, but I feel some real headway has been made. I love my children dearly and I only want what is best for them and I hope we see long term improvement, all though, as you said, it probably is too soon to tell.
Answer:
I hope things are continuing to go well between you and your son. You asked for additional suggestions, but it would be too difficult for me to give specific help without direct knowledge of your situation. Write any time you need to do so. Life is filled with ups and downs, so you can expect improvements and setbacks. The main key is focusing on the long term goal. Be consistent and dispassionate as you can. Remember that his behavior is the result of his choices, thus the consequences are his choice as well.
