How could I have behaved as I did if I was a child of God?
This will most likely be an unusual situation. I apologize for the length but felt some background was needed.
I'm over 60 years old. I was baptized and received the Holy Ghost when I was about 20. My childhood was very bad. I had an accident that left me disfigured so my childhood was full of shame, ridicule, abuse, and rejection. I had a hard time believing I could be loved, even though the desires of my childhood were to be loved, truly.
I married, but in just over ten years my abusive marriage took its toll. I began to fall away from God, stopped going to church, and began listening to people in chat rooms on the internet.
I separated from my husband of over twenty years. I met someone online. We had a lot in common. His wife had terminal cancer and someone dear to me was also dying. Mine died and five days later his wife died. We were a comfort to one another, never dreaming of anything happening between us. Eventually, my life became very stressful and he suggested a vacation, arranging with a friend for me to have a place to stay without cost. We spent time together, falling in love.
At this point I had totally been out of church and was embracing the pleasures of the world. I moved in with him for two years. About the time I began believing I had found perfect love, I began to notice him pulling away, making excuses to go places without me. The mother of one of his son's friends became prominent in his life. She'd arrange kid dates, trips that included him and his kids, but not me. Yes, I was blind. I wanted to believe and trust in love. He announced we were over, my life, heart, faith, and trust were completely shattered.
I moved back to my home town, over a thousand miles away. Oddly, we never lost total contact through the years. Staying in touch a few times a year, seeing how the kids were doing, etc I found my way back to God during my brokeness. He was eventually dumped by the rich lady, had a couple of short term affairs. His son became an addict, had six kids, which the courts gave to his dad to raise.
Fifteen years after breaking up, we met while I was visiting some mutual friends. It was like we'd never been apart. He said he was so nervous about seeing me again, but the moment he saw my face, he felt total peace, comfort. I went on the trip to my friends with the full intention of being a living witness to them and him of God's mercy and the need for salvation. However, things progressed way out of control. I never took or made chance for witnessing. We became intimate. It was as though we belonged to each other like it was supposed to be. I know that sounds crazy. Adultery is never right. He has such a commitment to his grandchildren. His son has been clean for a few years and is seeking custody. But this could take a year or more if the mother causes problems. He's made it clear he can't make any commitments to me until the issue with the kids is resolved. He also says he feels like this is the start of something new and wonderful, something that couldn't have happened without the years we've been through.
Now for my questions: Was I ever God's child? How could I do what I did? I do feel ashamed and guilt that I failed God. If had done it the right way, who knows how God may have worked things out. Is my mental state so messed up by the things of my childhood that I crave proof of love to the extreme? Has it marred me so badly that I haven't really believed or trusted in God's love?
My attitude after I moved home and started back to church has not been what I feel as godly. I was active in the church, experienced powerful moves of the Holy Ghost, but I was so negative, distrusting, jumping to vain imaginations. Such as, "They only talk to you when they want something, you're not part of them, you don't belong, you don't have the love and joy they have so you're not really God's, maybe God preselects who will be saved and you didn't make it so nothing you do will matter."
I had one relationship shortly before taking my trip. He was a Christian. I determined to do everything right: I wouldn't meet him until our pastors talked and kept the relationship chaste nothing more than a hug or kiss. He was here for almost 5 months. Our pastors stated we should wait 6 months before marriage. I was determined to do that. I even had a visiting evangelist give me a message from God, that He had heard me and answered, "Good things are coming, do not to be afraid to take the plunge". Basically the same message was given to him, "Hold on, keep going forward." But after 5 months, he decided he was too homesick. He was from several states away and just up and left.
Now this man had claimed to have prayed about us, had his church praying about us, and had proposed to me the second day he was here saying he knew his heart and felt God's will! Needless to say, I was shattered, I'd tried so hard to do this God's way and it still it blew up. I questioned myself. Was I suppose to have married him immediately after hearing that message? Or was the message meant for another time with someone else? Why did God let him come here when He knew he would hurt me? The invite to visit my friends came then, all I wanted was to get away from the painful memories that were everywhere. Is what happened between my old love, which I guess I never stopped loving and hoping for, meant to have happened? Is it possible for God to forgive us and make something good from this? How do I reconcile with God? I have acknowledged my sin, but still feel empty inside, numb during church, like I have no right to be there. I can only imagine how my family and church would think of me if they knew.
I realize this is extremely long and you may not even bother reading it, especially since I'm so old and should never be in such a mess.
Thank you if you've read this. Maybe just typing it out will serve a purpose.
I had difficulty following the many details, so I apologize in advance if I misunderstood something.
Basically, you are involved in Pentecostalism and believe that people get direct messages from God to guide their lives. These imagined messages often sometimes contrary to the teachings of God in the Bible, but this is never considered. Nor does anyone take note that the messages themselves are often contradictory. See Why is it always brought up that prophecy will cease?
I'm not interested in the imaginations of men, so I will stick to the basic facts. You were married and left that marriage for reasons that did not include fornication on the part of your ex-husband (Matthew 19:9). You never mentioned actually getting a divorce but even if you did, you would not have a right to a second marriage until your first husband died (Romans 7:2-3).
Meanwhile, you committed adultery with a man on several occasions and dated another man for less than a year. You try to justify these sins by lying to yourself that God was supporting you or that you would be using the time to teaching someone the gospel.
Were you ever saved? I don't know. The various Pentecostal churches don't teach the truth about salvation. See How to Become a Christian. Even if you had properly obeyed Christ, being a Christian is no guarantee of remaining faithful to Christ. A Christian has to remain committed to the Lord for his entire life. Christians might get caught in sin at times, but they are determined not to remain in sin (I John 1:5-2:1).
What you need to do is truly submit to Christ. That means giving up all your sins and if it requires you to remain single for the rest of your life that is better than an eternity in destruction.