How could he ruin my life like this?
Question:
Good, dear Minister of God.
I have been married for ten years and knew my husband for about eight years before we married. One of the primary reasons I believed he was God's will for me was that I saw him as an honest person with very high integrity. He had been a choir coordinator even before I met him, and there had been no issue of him being a womanizer.
Infidelity crept into our marriage even before we got married because he said he wanted to see how sex happens before he tried it with me after marriage.
After marriage, he kept this act up with this other lady and even chatted with her about it. I learned about it four years into marriage when I went through his messages. He begged for forgiveness, and I forgave.
Last month, he confessed to getting a member of the choir he used to head pregnant, and she already has a child. What is most hurtful is that I warned him about his closeness to this particular lady, but he insisted that he was only trying to mentor her.
He has also confessed to the pastorate, and he's been placed on suspension. The pastorate wants me to forgive and move on with life, but this act of betrayal is killing me daily. Sometimes, I find comfort in living in denial. I don't know how to handle the whole situation. The lady in question is playing the victim and is trying to use the baby to get my husband's attention. We agreed that no communication should happen between him and the lady. But for how long can he keep this commitment?
Even though I feel I have forgiven him, the pain is still there. It hurts badly. How can he ruin my life to this level? I am also hurt to see my world crash.
Answer:
The questions you ask are ones I can't answer.
I wasn't certain if you knew about his infidelity before your marriage or if you discovered it later. If it was before, then it was a major mistake to have married him. You saw him as honest and a man of integrity, but actions more accurately reveal a person's heart than his words. "You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes nor figs from thistles, are they? So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit" (Matthew 7:16-18). A man who commits fornication prior to marriage, especially when he gives a lame excuse, is highly likely to continue his sin after marriage.
I can't tell you whether he has actually changed. I don't see signs of change in your description of him. The confessions and apologies are given after his sins come to light. That makes it hard to gauge his sincerity. The fact that he has been repeating his adultery makes me wonder if there are others you haven't discovered yet.
Yes, when a person asks for forgiveness, a Christian must forgive. "Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' forgive him" (Luke 17:3-4). However, if you believe that he is continuing his adultery, you do have the right to end your marriage. "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9). I can't make the decision for you whether you think he has changed or not.
