How can I help my brother save his marriage?

Question:

Hello,

My brother and his wife are having problems in their marriage. I don't know what else to do or tell them, and talking to my brother can sometimes feel like talking to a child.

My brother is nearly 30, and his wife is about the same age. They have two little children and have been married less than ten years.

My brother is not currently living in his house with his wife. He stayed with me for a few weeks and is now at our parents' house. The reason for that is because his wife told him to leave the house, and the reason for that was because he drinks. They both went to "Christian" counseling and were told that my brother was an alcoholic. My brother did not make any genuine attempt to go to any classes or counseling and again was caught drinking. So his wife told him he needed to leave the house and not return until he got help. So he left the house.

She says that yelling, drinking, and her forgiving him has been going on for basically the whole time they were married, and it got really bad this year.

After a week or so, my brother finally went to meet with a counselor because, apparently, he tried going home after going a few days without drinking. His wife told him he couldn't come home until he got help. He got angry and started yelling and hitting walls. After this episode, he said he realized that he did need help, and he went to a counselor a few times and even went to one of those Alcoholic meetings multiple times.

From what she says, he always gets either angry or upset when they talk, which shows her that he doesn't truly want to change.

It has been over two weeks now that he has been sober. He has been trying to go to meetings, but she still doesn't let him come home because, anytime they talk, she says he gets angry in the end, and again, it shows her that he doesn't want to change. The counselors told her that she needed to kick him out and not make contact, but she had been making contact. Because he is an alcoholic and she keeps making contact, he will not change, so she thinks it's her fault, and she keeps making contact.

I've tried to talk to my brother and tell him that he is the man of the house, and if he keeps getting angry and yelling, nothing will change, and he will lose what he has.

To his wife, I said that she needs to understand that he has tried and done what she asked of him. He went and got help. What else does she need? But she answers and says that because he keeps on showing that side of him where he gets angry and yells at the end of the conversation, it shows her that he is only doing all that just to get home.

I told her, "Well, of course. His goal is to get home, but by doing what you are asking, you are already making an improvement." I kept telling her that she needed to be praying and fasting and continue showing love. I tell her that not letting him return home will cause him to lose the desire to get better. It will seem that no matter how much he does, it will never be enough, and that is what makes him angry. He thinks that he did this thing that she wanted, but she keeps saying, "No, you can't come home."

I tried to speak with my brother yesterday and today. He keeps saying he doesn't want to talk and basically tells me to ask his wife what she said. He also tells me that she said that her feelings are slowly falling apart and that she doesn't need him. I tell him there is no way she said that, and then he confirms that she didn't say those exact words.

When I spoke with her, she would say that she doesn't need an alcoholic in the house for kids to see every day. and that it's doing the kids harm when they see him and hear him yell at her.

Yesterday, when I spoke with her, she was talking about separating and how my brother told her that being away from the house and her is making it easier for him to want to cheat. So then she told me, "Well, if it's that easy for him to cheat, then we should separate." I told her that he was just being stupid, and he probably didn't mean that he wanted to cheat or would cheat, just that it's easier to fall into temptation.

My brother is by no means an educated person. He only finished high school and not with the best grades. He always has a hard time expressing his thoughts and feelings.

Also, something I found out only this year is that he did have sex with another girl years before he got married. From what he and his wife say, they talked about that before they got married, and he has repented. But a year or two ago, she left him for a few weeks because she caught him sexually texting another girl.

They came back together, and apparently, all was okay, but now she says things were not OK. Every time I call her and my brother throughout all these years, I always ask them, "How are they doing?" "How are things?" "The specifics?" and they always say, "All is good."

She told me that she had been patient for eight years and that she would not let him into the house until she saw that he was genuine and found help.

I don't know what to tell them. My brother is stubborn and stupid. She is irrational and listening to some counselors, but I understand why. But to me, it seems that I'm doing more harm trying to fix things between them.

I don't want to see them make a stupid decision to separate, which will most likely lead to divorce. I think that she, as a wife, needs to talk to him and ask him to come home, and that will give my brother the incentive to keep wanting to change. My brother needs to start acting like a man and stop being depressed over every little word, and he needs to stop getting angry and yelling.

I just don't know. Marriage isn't a toy. God bonded them, and they made vows to each other. I think it doesn't matter how bad things get; divorce should never be on the table unless there is real abuse or actual cheating with another person.

Please help. What should I, as their brother, do or tell them? What should they do?

She is stuck on not letting him in, and that is mainly at this point not because he has an alcohol problem but now it's because of how he gets angry and yells.