How can I convince my girlfriend’s parents that my past doesn’t matter and that I can marry her?
Question:
I hope I can get an answer to a question which is troubling me for many months now. I married a non-believer, but we didn't live together as such since her parents didn't approve of it. We only got married legally but not in church or received the blessing of the church. After a year and a half of our marriage, she filed for divorce since I've heard that her parents did some kind of black magic and changed her mind against me. After fighting with her for two and a half years to save our marriage, she got the divorce and got married to someone else.
I'm from a denomination in India, and I'm a believer. Now I've found someone who's a believer in Christ and from the same church. We share the same dreams and goals. We have been praying about our relationship. We believe that God has brought us together. I have decided not to rush into things and take it one day at a time with Christ in the center of our relationship in our words and actions.
The problem is that her parents believe that since I'm a divorced guy, I can't be with her because God won't allow that. So, my question is doesn't God allow a divorced man to marry again considering that I was a victim of my previous marriage?
Please advise me, what should I do and how should I convince her parents that my past is my past and that doesn't mean that I can't get married again?
Answer:
I'm having a tough time with this note because certain facts don't add up. How does a man get married but his bride lives with her parents? How do parents keep a married couple apart because the parents disapproved of the marriage? How does a man claim to fight to save his marriage over a four year period and seems to indicate that he wasn't talking to his wife much?
Looking up Indian law, I find that divorce rules are based on the religion of those married. If a couple both claims to be Christians, then the grounds for divorce must be based on adultery, or adultery coupled with things like abuse or desertion for over two years. Since she filed and won the case for divorce, then I would have to conclude that she had evidence you had committed adultery.
If this was a mixed religion marriage, where she was, say Hindu, and you a Christian, then the laws state that reasons for divorce are adultery, desertion for more than two years, imprisoned for more than seven years, abuse, or insanity. If she won her case, I'm left wondering what evidence the courts accepted against you.
Trying to ignore all the oddities, however, I add these facts up, your marriage did not end because your wife was having sex with someone else. That means you are bound by your marriage covenant for the life of both of you. "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery" (Luke 16:18). If you marry someone else, you and she will be committing adultery. Hence, her parents are correct you are not in the position to make another marriage covenant when your current covenant is in force. "Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife" (I Corinthians 7:10-11).
Your past does matter. You freely entered into a marriage with your ex-wife. No one forced you. Yes, you made a really bad choice and that bad choice is going to haunt you for the rest of your life.
Question:
Thanks for your email. However, let me clarify certain facts here.
When we got married her parents were unaware of it and my parents knew about it, so when we did get married I told her to go back home and when her parents accept this marriage then we'll have a social wedding. After a few months, her parents did learn about it, but since she was a Hindu her parents requested she not to tell people until we had a social wedding to save their prestige. But whenever we spoke to her parents about a social wedding, they would make some excuse to delay the process. As I told you, her mom had done some black magic and was waiting for its effect, which I got to know through her cousin later. So this continued for one and a half years and then suddenly she turned against me and started forcing for a divorce. She forced me to sign a mutual divorce agreement, so it wasn't any case of adultery against me or the sort. After signing the papers, I tried for two and half years to save our marriage, but her lawyer had told me that if I missed three court hearing dates, then the police would come and pick me up, which I didn't want, so I went. Unfortunately, this is India, and I assume she paid the lawyers money, so when I was in that courtroom it was all one-sided and she got her divorce. I didn't cheat on her or anything of the sort. In fact, she was rushing for a divorce because she wanted to get married to someone else whom she's done already. Yes, I was in touch with her but not regularly. Each time I spoke to her it was about getting back to me, and she wasn't convinced and didn't want to.
Now my question here is this. If she got married just three months after getting the divorce and it was a love marriage, then that obviously means she was having another relationship while being married to me. So, based on the scriptures, a man can divorce his wife on the grounds of adultery, which in this case it is, and all the more I never applied for the same, but it was her that did and got it through illegal means. My concern is not how she got the divorce, but since I was the victim of the marriage and I was betrayed so as per the Bible, I'm the innocent one and why should the blood be on my hands?
I hope I have been able to put across the issue in a better way. Maybe the last time I was too nervous typing, so I couldn't put it across the way it supposed to be.
Answer:
You married a young woman, but instead of following God's teaching that "a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24), you sent her back home. Instead of paying attention to Paul's warning, "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (I Corinthians 7:5), you remain separated for over a year. I'm mentioning these facts because there is a reason your marriage fell apart, and you did play a role in its destruction, even if it was from ignorance. ""For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence," says the LORD of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously"" (Malachi 2:16). It is rare in the matters of divorce to find one party truly innocent of the destruction of the marriage.
The claim that she divorced you because of "black magic" is false. The only magic that exists is trickery. The truth is that she divorced you because she decided she didn't want you. She was likely convinced to make that choice by her family, but it remained her choice.
You tell me that the divorce wasn't because you committed adultery, but it would be useful to know what she did convince a court that you did that allowed her to divorce you. You tell me it was an illegal divorce, but it did go through the legal system of your country. That you disagreed with the results is understandable.
It took two and a half years to settle the matter and somewhere along the line she met another man and was having sex with him. She was also pregnant by this man at the time she married again.
So what I understand is that the divorce wasn't over adultery, but adultery did take place after the divorce was filed and before the marriage ended. As I mentioned to another questioner, I don't know the answer to such situations. If the divorce was because she had found another lover and wanted free of her current marriage, I would probably agree that you have the right to remarry. But since you don't know, I don't know how this should be handled.
