Do I need to leave my marriage?
Question:
I need some advice:
I met my husband through work when we briefly worked together on a project. He was recently separated and at first, we just talked but then he started to phone me every day at work and would chat for a few minutes just to say "hi." I did not discourage him from phoning.
I went on a trip to his state for other reasons and we met while I was there for a few hours and talked. He stole a kiss and I was angry at first but later flattered.
He came out on a trip to my state and stayed at my roommates and I's house and we committed adultery. I felt horribly guilty about this. But I later moved to his state due to better job prospects and we wound up dating, even though he was separated. His wife had numerous affairs over the years and was now fast-tracking the divorce and had moved on less than a month after she kicked him out.
I honestly seduced him and went out of my way to make myself appealing to him by thinking long and hard about what to say, chose my words carefully, complimented and flattered him, showed interest in his life and what he did. I didn't move for him, but the move was made easier knowing that we were in the same area.
He was divorced shortly after and we married a few months later. I am sure it comes as no surprise that it has been a very rocky road, to say the least, and he is not who I thought he was.
I married him because I thought it was the right thing to do since we slept together and thought it would make things right somehow. A church that I go to seems to think that technically I am still committing adultery and need to leave this marriage. Is that true? I am horrified when I look back and see the choices I made as a very new Christian in a worldly church. I have sinned so greatly and done so many despicable things in my life we wouldn't have the time to go into it all.
I currently go to a church of Christ. I have since determined to live a better life and would not do things that way at all! I have been married for a few years. This is my first marriage. My husband is not a believer.
I am looking for your perspective as a preacher - not someone to tell me what to do, but whether it is true that I am still committing adultery even though we have been married for four years? His ex-wife has moved on to boyfriend number five living with her and the kids. Sin is devastating and my part in this makes me so ashamed.
My husband, of course, treats me very ill as I guess that would make sense, would it not? After all I am an adultress who before him had slept with many, many people. I believe that God tried to warn me what would happen in the book of Proverbs but I did not listen - he told me "words smooth like honey at the end bitter as wormwood and sharper than a two-edged sword" and giving your life to the cruel one.
Anywhere you can direct me, or if I am off base or anything at all - I don't trust my own thoughts or advice as based on the kind of decisions I made and need a godly perspective and direction.
I had hoped my husband was Christian when he showed some interest in the Bible and said he said the sinner's prayer. The church I was going to before would have thought that was great, but since then I have learned a big difference about what salvation truly is. I deceived myself and though I find it hard to forgive my husband's cruelties. I don't blame him - this is my fault. I did not think and did what I wanted. I don't blame anyone but myself. Please, any advice you have or direction would be much appreciated.
Answer:
That you had committed adulteries in the past doesn't matter. Baptism washes away all sins (Acts 22:16). The only important question is whether your husband had the right to a second marriage.
You make it clear that his prior wife was involved with other men. If this was the reason for the divorce, that she wanted to have other men in her life, then he did have the right to marry again. The only possible complicating factor is whether the divorce was because he too was breaking his marriage vows. The fact that he slept with you without being married to you would give a hint that this might be possible.
The fact that you chased after him doesn't change the answer. It is fairly clear that he was chasing you at the same time and entered the affair of his own desire. Though you said you married him to make things right, I don't think you are being honest with yourself. You mentioned that you had numerous other affairs, but this is the one man you married. It seems to me that right and wrong wasn't the consideration, just that this was what you wanted at the time. It is only now, with hindsight, that you see you didn't do a good job picking a husband.
Assuming, however, that the divorce was because of his wife's affairs and that he slipped up after the divorce procedure began, then I would have to say that your marriage is legitimate. I'm sorry that you're now not happy with your choice, but you already realize that you ignored the many hints. Rather than bemoan the past, work with what you have. Perhaps, by your good example in improving yourself, your husband will eventually become interested in improving himself. "For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?" (I Corinthians 7:16).
