Do I have a reprobate mind?



I have a few questions I hope you can answer. I will give you some background information first.

My family went to a Nazarene church where I was saved and baptized around age 11 along with my sister. My parents left that church after my sister was removed from our home due to child abuse. We went to other churches but usually not for long periods.

When I married my second husband we started going to church with his mother at a nondenominational church where we were both saved and baptized. That church closed due to low attendance probably a month or two after we came to Jesus. We've gone to several churches after that but usually not for long. We are currently at a church but it closed again last week due to COVID although we do watch online.

My first concern is a two-part one.

When I was in middle school my sister got taken by CPS and my dad was charged with child abuse. They removed my sister from the home but left my brother and me. I was always made fun of for that and for being dirty. I would make wishes and act like I was casting spells on the other kids for picking on me. I never did anything more than that. No pentagram or anything like that. I think it was like wishes that they would trip and fall, etc. In high school, I bought a deck of tarot cards. I didn't know how to really use them. I read the directions and read a few fortunes. I read my neighbor's fortune at which time he received the death card and about six months later he died. I was working at a hotel and in their conference room, they had a psychic fair. Everyone at my work went on lunch break so I had gone and had a palm reading. I didn't put it all together until I got my first apartment and the woman who lived in front of me was a Christian. I told her about the cards and she told me they were evil, and we burned them. I am now fearful of anything like that. I don't watch scary movies or read my horoscope. I avoid all things like that now and even try to tell people not to watch those psychic medium shows etc. I am afraid I caused my neighbors death.

I was dumped by my high school sweetheart in my teen years. I was very torn up over it. I wanted to die. I had even thought of suicide. I put on a cassette tape. I was blasting the music, crying, and singing along. The words were not respectful of God. Later I went for a walk and something came over me and I no longer wanted to take my life.

There is more. If you remember I was saved and baptized around 11 and then again in my early 20's at the nondenominational church. After the baptism in the creek the second time, the preacher's wife afterward said "I'm glad you didn't see the snakes swimming around". Apparently, there were snakes near the shore while my husband and I were in the water. Then at Christmas, my candle blew out while at a church service.

During my second marriage (current marriage) my husband had two affairs. After the second one, I started flirting with every guy I could. I was texting them and went for lunch with one. Anything to make myself feel better. I never slept with any but that doesn't matter as it's a sin to lust with your eyes. I carried on with that behavior for about seven years. I flirted with dozens and dozens of guys. Then we had a health issue with my husband and he wanted a divorce. I was always throwing his affairs up to him and he never knew about my flirting or lunch date. I tried to tell him a few times but he said he didn't want to know.

To say I was self-righteous would probably be an understatement as I threw his affair up to him every time he did something that I didn't like all the while living in sin myself. When he asked for a divorce I cried out to Jesus and begged to keep us together. I wasn't sure he would because he seemed so far away. During that seven-year time, I felt like God stopped answering my prayers.

But we stayed together. I stopped talking to all those guys. I deleted single guys from my Facebook. I went back to church. I was going to the Baptist church.

The sermons were so short though. I didn't feel like I got anything from them. It seemed like once the sermon got started it ended quickly. The announcements and praise songs were 40 minutes and the sermon was only 15 or 20. It just seemed so short. The pastor preached out of Galatians 5 and I had questions about it (the pagan part) and he didn't really answer it so I felt discouraged and didn't go back. Did I just leave because I didn't want to hear the word of God and is this considered turning my back on the faith?

I heard a pastor online say you can tell you are saved by your fruit. I don't see much fruit. That same pastor said that a sign you might not really be saved is if you keep questioning your salvation because that in itself is a sin and a sign you might not be saved because you are doubting Jesus' sacrifice for all sinners.

I have good days but then something creeps in and causes doubt.

With all that sin I've committed for years it doesn't seem like. It. The pastor online this morning also said you need to ask yourself if people would see a change in your life which is a sign you are saved. At the beginning at the nondenominational church, I'd say yes but probably not since except for the times I was in church. I see a change in myself now since going back to church during COVID. My anger is gone. I don't enjoy TV now unless it's clean tv shows. I refrain from gossip at work etc.

I pray a lot more and notice God's beauty more now. I like to study topics in the Bible and listen to Christian music. I sometimes just go for walks and talk to God. There are those days though that as I'm praying a bad thought enters my mind or while I'm reading the Bible a bad image or thought enters my mind about Jesus. Does this mean I'm evil and beyond saving?

I try to be positive and assured of my salvation but then I hear that voice that says "are you sure you aren't going to church and praying because you are afraid that Jesus's return is near?" I then feel like a hypocrite. I talk to people about Jesus and then feel not worthy to do so.

Some pastors say once saved always saved and others say no. Galatians 5: 16-26 is one verse that caused me to worry along with Matthew 7:21-23. Hebrew 10:26 comes to mind and I think that maybe I didn't really repent or was saved but rather I just have a fearful expectation of judgment.

I'm so torn up about this. I'm not sure if I was ever saved. I never felt sorrow before, I just asked for forgiveness and said a prayer. When I prayed I would at times compare my sins to others so as to think my sins weren't as bad.

A week ago I asked for forgiveness and declared Jesus as my Savior. I confessed my sins and repented. Now when I pray, I can really see my shortcomings alone, only my own sin. I'm sorry for what I have done alone. I finally see I was self-righteous and don't want to be that way. I have asked for forgiveness but still, I get bad thoughts when I read the Bible. What is wrong with me? I even told my husband about my sins and asked him for forgiveness for my self-righteous behavior toward him.

My mother-in-law brought a Bible over for me to read a few days ago and a horrible thought entered my mind that it's Satan's book. What is wrong with me? I quickly denied the thought and said sorry to God.

I had OCD years ago with constant hand washing. It went away but I'm wondering if it's back and can be the cause.

Have I committed the unpardonable sin? Was I never saved at all? Could I have a reprobate mind? Did playing with tarot cards mean I picked the side of evil? Why do I feel worse the more I try to get closer to God? The more I want to read the Bible the more the thoughts come? Is there no hope for me?

Please help. You don't know how much I appreciate you answering my questions.


Much of what you wrote about involves your imagination.

Tarot cards are wrong because give people the impression that they can foretell the future. Only God can accurately foretell the future because only God has control over the world. "Remember the former things long past, for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is no one like Me, declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times things which have not been done, saying, 'My purpose will be established, and I will accomplish all My good pleasure'; calling a bird of prey from the east, the man of My purpose from a far country. Truly I have spoken; truly I will bring it to pass. I have planned it, surely I will do it" (Isaiah 46:9-11). You have no idea what will happen in the future. You can only guess. "I have seen that nothing is better than that man should be happy in his activities, for that is his lot. For who will bring him to see what will occur after him?" (Ecclesiastes 3:9).

Therefore, you did not cause your neighbor's death. One thing I can guarantee is that everyone alive will eventually die (Hebrews 9:27). What really happened is that one of many cards you played included a "death" card. You then noted later that 6 months later your neighbor happened to die. Two random events do not mean that one caused the other.

You also chained a series of events together as if they were related. So what if there was a snake in the water where you were baptized? No one got bit. You would not even have known it was there if the preacher's wife didn't mention it. So what if a candle blew out?

Now, seeking revenge against your husband by flirting with other men was wrong. You don't fix a wrong with additional wrongs. It is also true that God doesn't heed the prayers of sinners. But you left the sins. That is what is important (Ezekiel 18:20-28).

Instead of taking the word of some random preacher you find on the Internet, you should be reading your Bible for yourself. You know you are saved when you know you've done as God commanded. See What Saves a Person? Look up the passages for yourself and see for yourself that this is what God said.

In regards to the "once saved, always saved" this is a doctrine not taught in the Bible, as you have noticed. There are numerous articles on why "once saved, always saved" isn't what God taught on this website. Again, don't just take my word, read the passages cited for yourself.

Finally, find a good church that follows the Bible instead of spreading the doctrines of men. Become a part of a group that serves God.

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