Can she leave me after being committed to each other for three years?


I am in a relationship with a girl for the past three years. I am a firm believer and was baptized in water nearly 15 years ago. The girl is also a firm believer. In the past three years, we have had sex countless times. We are committed to each other. Our parents know about us. Our jobs keep us far from our parents. We are not married, but we are living together. Our parents do not know that we are staying together. I was a virgin, but she had lost her virginity in a past relationship.

Before having sex for the first time three years back I made a promise, holding Bible, that under any circumstances I wouldn't leave this girl or ditch her and one day would marry her. I said to God, if I do not fulfill the promise, God should give me death. I also said to God that if I break this relationship or it breaks due to me I should be punished and given death.

Now our relationship is going through tough times. She wants a breakup because of my temper and scolding nature. I was frustrated because of my job, so things went wrong in our relationship. I love her a lot and I want to marry her only. I asked her to forgive me. She says she has forgiven me, but she doesn't want to stay with me. She has withdrawn her commitment to me because of my nature and attitude. Now she says she wants to break up and never wants to marry me because she has lost the love that she once had. She is not interested in giving me a second chance. She says if we have sex, it does not mean we're married.

Sir, my question is: Can you break up after going so deep? What about my promise to God? Tomorrow, if we both married different partners, would it will be adultery? I want scripture references for our problem. I do not want to break up, sir, because I love her the same until now. She fears that I will continue my scolding, and what good changes I have accomplished will be just temporary. But I promised her I have changed and this good change is permanent. Give us your solution.


"But why do you call Me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do the things which I say?" (Luke 6:46).

You see yourself as a firm believer, yet you then go on to say that you have been disobeying the Lord for several years and want to continue to do so until some future time when you decide to get married. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). Fornication and "firm believer" are not compatible in a person. "Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh. Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom" (James 3:11-13).

You know you have been sinning. You acknowledge that you were not married. Though your parents knew about your girlfriend, you hid the fact that you were living together. In many ways, you pretended to yourself that your sin was acceptable to God while at the same time, you knew deeper inside you that you were wrong.

Your promise was meaningless because you vowed to God that you would sin and later patch things up. You could say that spiritually you died the day that you made that vow. "What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?" (Romans 6:1-2).

To expect that God would support your plans that were based on a sinful relationship was foolish on your part.

"But to the wicked God says: "What right have you to declare My statutes, or take My covenant in your mouth, seeing you hate instruction and cast My words behind you? When you saw a thief, you consented with him, and have been a partaker with adulterers. You give your mouth to evil, and your tongue frames deceit. You sit and speak against your brother; you slander your own mother's son. These things you have done, and I kept silent; you thought that I was altogether like you; but I will rebuke you, and set them in order before your eyes. Now consider this, you who forget God, lest I tear you in pieces, and there be none to deliver: whoever offers praise glorifies Me; and to him who orders his conduct aright I will show the salvation of God" (Psalms 50:16-23).

Your girlfriend is correct that having sex doesn't make you married to that person. You accept that as well. You knew your girlfriend has sex before she started having sex with you, yet you did not consider her married to her prior partner. You do not consider yourself an adulterer because she had another man in her before you. If sex made a marriage there would be no sin of fornication because the first person you had sex with would always be considered your husband or wife.

One common thread I have seen in all of this is that you make choices without considering that other people also make their own choices. You made a vow that you were going to marry this girl, yet a marriage cannot take place without her consent. She decided to leave because of your behavior and you think it is unfair that she doesn't trust that you've really changed permanently. You have no marriage and while you can encourage her to marry you, she makes up her own mind. Even now you are using scoldings to insist that she stays in sin with you while you are saying that you have given up scolding.

What both of you need is a complete reset in your relationship with each other and in your relationship with God. Your relationship with God must come first. That means you need to repent of your sin. Repentance means a complete change in your attitude toward sin as well as a change in your behavior. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11). With that then comes admission to God that you are wrong in this matter. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:9).

You can ask your girlfriend if you might date her, but no longer are you going to bed her or live with her. Perhaps she'll give you a chance to show her that you have changed, but if not, then realize that you've learned a hard lesson. Sin only gives you the illusion of supplying you with what you need, but it isn't really there. Live life according to God's will and then you will have reality.

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