Can I remarry after both my husband and I have committed adultery?
Question:
Hello.
I need your help and guidance. I'm currently in the process of a divorce, which has been going on for two years now.
My ex-husband and I were very young when we decided to live together. I was 16 and he was 17. I admit that I latched onto him because I wanted to escape home. My parents had just divorced. Anyway, my mother-in-law put a lot of pressure on us to marry because we were living in sin. The thing is, they are Catholic and I grew up as a Christian. I didn't believe or liked the Catholic church but the pressure was there and our age didn't help. The priest had mini-classes to marry people who were living in sin. As I stood there taking vows that deep down I didn't ... I did it anyway. I knew I shouldn't have, but I didn't want to go back home.
The marriage was a big failure. He became hateful, angry, and revengeful when my sister told him I wasn't a virgin. At this point, I already had a child. Things got really ugly. He mistreated me and kept my family away and became very jealous. He never wanted to leave my side to work. Eventually, I got tired of asking him to forgive me because he wouldn't. He just kept on mistreating me. I ended up having an affair. We separated and he said he forgave me and we tried to work it out but it never did. Things kept getting worse. We separated numerous times and in those times I slept around. We would reconcile and confess to each other what we've done since we separated, and we would forgive each other, but he really never did because he would always throw it in my face. He just became abusive, physically and mentally. He started threatening me by having me kidnapped and tortured.
Then to top it off my mother confessed to me that they had an affair.
Long story short. I finally left this ugly marriage and divorce is pending finalization but in the meanwhile, I have been doing wrong by sleeping around. While separated and pending divorce, he was seeing someone and ended up having a baby girl. They live together. I know I was wrong. I have confessed and prayed for forgiveness. My question is after our divorce is final can I remarry?
Thank you for your web site. I'll be looking forward to your answers.
God bless you!
Answer:
I know you are looking for sympathy, but all I can see is someone who chose the path of sin and is now wanting to avoid some of its consequences.
You blame your mother-in-law for insisting that you and her son get married because the two of you were sinning. She is not to blame, it was you who chose to move in with a young man and commit fornication, which you state wasn't the first time you were involved in fornication. Yet, you claim to be a Christian. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). You rebelled against both your parents, not wanting to live at home (II Timothy 3:2). No one forced you to marry. You didn't like the option of moving out on your own nor the option of returning to one of your parents. Your mother-in-law was trying to get you to behave like a Christian. "But if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (I Corinthians 7:9). Yet, you fault her for giving you sound advice.
You hint that you want to say that you didn't want to say the vows that many people witness you saying. Again, no one forced you into the marriage. You freely chose it, knowing full well that you were marrying a Catholic.
I don't know why your husband faulted you for not being a virgin. He knew that you weren't from the time you first started committing fornication. There was nothing there for you to apologize for.
I don't fault you for not putting up with mistreatment, but it gave you no excuse for committing adultery every time you left him. Nor does he have any excuse for the adultery he has been committing. It is clear that this divorce is due to both of you being unfaithful to your marriage covenant. An adulterer has no right to another marriage until his or her spouse has passed on. "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9; see also Romans 7:2-3). Any marriage either of you get involved in will be considered further adultery.
If you want to live righteously as a true Christian and stop pretending to be something you are not, then you have to resign yourself to the fact that your past sins leave you no option but either to remain single or return to your husband. "Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife" (I Corinthians 7:10-11).
