Am I able to remarry?
Question:
Hi,
I came across your church page while looking for an answer to a difficult question. I have found many different answers but as a member of the Church of Christ, I wanted to try to get a response that aligned with my religious beliefs. I read through quite a bit of the Q&A which seemed to be questions asked by members on your website. None quite reflect my circumstances so I was hoping you might be willing to give me a biblical answer to my question.
First, some background. I grew up in the church. My husband joined in his youth. We met in the youth group and were friends for years. We then dated for over five years before getting married. The relationship had issues even then, but we had a child out of wedlock and most of my family was very adamant that I had to get married. My husband was willing, and I was reluctant but complied. I did love my husband but didn't feel that marriage was right at the time as there were already issues, and I was in my early twenties.
Ten years ago, only a few months into my marriage, I kissed someone other than my husband. He was a former boyfriend and was a very close friend. It never went beyond that one kiss, one time. The other person, also from our church, felt guilty and immediately cut all contact and never attended our church again. I was determined to never fall prey to that kind of temptation again and cut ties with any males who weren't family. Our marriage was admittedly rocky at best, but we stayed together. We kept attending church all those years and had two more children, and I thought things between us were OK though I knew he still harbored a lot of anger toward me as he periodically brought up the incident.
Several months ago, I found out that my husband was secretly dating a woman from his job and subsequently engaged in oral sex with her. I wasn't angry as I felt that I deserved it given my past history. I wanted to seek counseling and try to rebuild our marriage. At first, my husband agreed. I found a Christian counselor, but he said that he didn't want to hear any "God stuff" and told me to find someone else. I went on to find other, secular counselors that he also dismissed before deciding that he didn't want any counseling at all.
During this time, I was doing what I could to improve our marriage. I was being careful about what I said to keep him from being angry, trying to be extra attentive to his needs, and trying to constantly reaffirm how much I wanted to make it work and remind him that I was willing to do whatever was necessary to make that happen. He claimed that he needed space but wasn't seeing anyone else. About a month ago, I found out that he went out with yet another woman. He says he doesn't consider us together so he should be free to date. We are still legally married and living together but have separate rooms. He wanted a divorce but didn't want to give up half the house so he has decided to hold off on that.
My mother and cousins have encouraged me to get a divorce and start my life over. I do not, and never did, want a divorce, but I don't want to be cheated on repeatedly either.
My question is this: if I were to get a divorce, would I be allowed to remarry? I can't find anywhere in the Bible that lists kissing as adultery, but I would not want to risk my eternity on my own interpretation of the Bible. Is he allowed to remarry? He claims oral sex doesn't count as adultery and I can't find any reference to that either in the Bible so I don't know if he is correct. If I am required to stay single for the rest of my life, I certainly will even though I am only 35 and that is a lot of lonely years. I believe that happiness now is worth giving up for a happy eternity, but I would like to be able to find someone to spend my life with if it is allowed. Please provide any advice or insight that you may have.
Answer:
Obviously, your problems started when you decided to have sex outside of marriage. That sin led to the conception of a child and the pressure to get married. Through each cascading consequence, you had choices to make, and since they were yours to make, it isn't proper to push the responsibility onto anyone else.
Kissing your former boyfriend was wrong, but it was not adultery. Your former boyfriend made the right choice by cutting all ties with you. You made a good choice to limit the potential for additional temptation. While your husband continued to mention your slip, the fact that he remained with you and you two continued to have children shows that he forgave you.
His own sins probably stem from the bitterness that he built up over the years. It doesn't excuse what he did, but it is best to understand the motivation. You did well to try to get counseling. As soon as you mentioned that "he didn't want to hear 'God stuff'" it was clear that the affair was continuing and he was avoiding anything that would increase his feelings of guilt. That he went out with yet another woman also shows that he is not repentant of his sins.
You did what you could to keep the marriage functional, but you can't force your spouse to do what is right. You would have the right to divorce him for his infidelity. You would have a right to marry again. He would have no right to remarry since he is involved in adultery.
Response:
Thank you. I really appreciate your response. You are right that the choices were mine to make. I will certainly choose more carefully if I remarry in the future.
Thank you again for taking the time to respond.
