When Your Children Leave Home
by Brandy L. Pack
Some of my friends’ children are becoming independent, moving out, or getting married. They asked me for help dealing with this transition. It was a question that caught me off guard a little. I have three faithful children, and two of them are living independent lives. I also have two children who have walked away from God altogether. I don’t have it all figured out, and I’m definitely still working through it. But here is what I told my friend. Maybe it will be of some small help to someone.
All I can tell you is what I feel like I’ve learned about myself. It may not help you or apply to you at all. I will admit that the season of becoming an empty nester can be both painful and joyful. I’m not going to pretend I have it all figured out.
Your children are a gift God gave you to love, nurture, and bring up in the admonition of the Lord. But they were never meant to be the thing that defines you. You and your children are separate people with separate character and separate souls.
Someone may say, “You should be happy for them,” whenever your child moves into their own place, gets married, and starts a family. While it is a beautiful thing and probably one of your end goals for them, don’t feel guilty about being sad about it. Joy and grief can exist together. Your daily routine will change. Your conversations will change, but the feeling of being needed in certain ways doesn’t go away. Grieving for them doesn’t mean you are not proud of your faithful children or that you don’t trust them or God. It means you loved them deeply. Still, you have to allow God’s plans to move forward.
When I became a mother, I took my responsibility as a Christian mother very seriously, but I’ve since realized that I made being a good mama the measure of whether I was a good Christian. I have learned, and I’m still learning, that my children’s choices as adults are ultimately between them and God. My responsibility has always been my faithfulness, not control. Oh, how I wanted to be and stay in control! That desire became detrimental to me. I had to learn that I can’t manufacture any other person’s relationship with God.
It’s scary to figure out who you are when no one needs you the way young children do. You’ve spent years doing that, and now you are needed in a different way. So who are you now? It’s scary and feels like a deep pit in your stomach. I think it can also be a new adventure. Like an invitation to somewhere exciting you’ve heard about but never been to before.
For years, mothers are constantly pouring out of themselves, amazingly from near-empty places even, so that when children become independent, the silence doesn’t feel normal. You can learn to let that silence be a place of comfort.
Think about what talents God has given you that you haven’t had time to develop before. How can you serve others now that you weren’t able to do before? What can you do to make your home a place your children think of fondly and love coming back to?
The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that I should have spent more time building my identity in Christ, not in motherhood, because when motherhood changed, I felt lost. I’ve learned that I really was, and still am, a daughter of God, heir of salvation, purchased by Christ’s perfect blood. I just happened to have been raising children for a season.
Now I have to serve God in this season. Children are a heritage from the Lord (Psalms 127:3-4). God gave them to me to care for. Their value is far above any earthly treasure. But they are not mine to possess forever.
Galatians 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.
God helped me learn that my children were never meant to be my identity. They were meant to be a part of my obedience. I’m still figuring out what being a faithful servant looks like in this season. One day, this season will change too, and I’ll have to figure it out again.
