Do I have a right to this woman?

Question:

I am writing because we both sincerely desire to know God's will. We are not looking for someone to simply approve our relationship or tell us what we want to hear. We are asking for biblical guidance, even if the answer is painful.

Our situation has become emotionally, spiritually, and morally complicated, and we no longer trust our own judgment.

We met through mutual friends. At that time, her marriage had already been broken for several years. Her husband had left her emotionally and practically. They have not lived together for years and, as she tells me, they have not even spoken on the phone for about four years. She moved out and began living with friends, and that is when we met.

Her husband was baptized before their marriage, but she believes he did so only because it was required for the marriage ceremony and not because he had genuine faith in Jesus Christ. Having lived with him for seven years, she believes he never truly trusted Christ and that his life consistently demonstrated unbelief. She also believes he has abandoned the marriage completely and is now planning to marry another woman.

As I spent time supporting her through her difficult situation, we became emotionally close. Eventually, we entered into a romantic relationship, moved in together, and became physically intimate.

Looking back, I acknowledge my own responsibility and sin. I gave her hope and promised that I would always stay with her, protect her, and never leave her. At that time, I had only a limited understanding of Scripture. I viewed relationships largely through a worldly perspective and assumed that if society accepted something, it must be acceptable. Although I sincerely believed my promises, I now realize I made them without first understanding what God's Word teaches about marriage and divorce.

Throughout our relationship, however, I repeatedly felt convicted in my conscience. My heart often felt heavy. On several occasions, I reminded her that she was still married, and each time it led to long discussions, sleepless nights, arguments, and emotional pain for both of us. Even while continuing the relationship, I never had complete peace before God.

Recently, we both recognized that if she is still biblically married, our physical relationship is sinful. We have agreed that sexual intimacy must stop.

However, we disagree about what should happen next.

She believes she is biblically free to remarry because she considers her husband to be an unbeliever who abandoned the marriage. She believes that I Corinthians 7:15 applies to her situation and that God, who sees the entire situation and knows the sincerity and depth of our love, understands that this is an exceptional case. She often tells me that God knows how genuine our relationship has been, how much we truly cared for one another, and therefore would release her from the marriage covenant because her husband failed as a husband and abandoned her "while being an unbeliever" (as per her understanding). He only got baptized for the sake of marriage, but never came to church or believed that even heaven exists. His brothers still follow another religion; only his family was baptized just for the wedding.

She also believes that because of this, continuing our relationship would not be sinful, and that we are free to marry even before an official divorce is finalized.

My understanding is different.

I struggle with concluding that someone is an unbeliever simply because of their behavior, especially if they publicly profess Christianity through baptism. I am concerned that we may be making a judgment that belongs to God or to the church rather than to ourselves.

Because of that concern, I believe we should end not only our physical relationship but also our romantic relationship until there is biblical clarity. I do not believe we can simply remove physical intimacy while continuing to function emotionally as husband and wife.

She disagrees. She believes emotional intimacy is not sinful and that only sexual intimacy would be sinful. She has even suggested that if, for some reason, we cannot marry, we could continue living in the same house as close friends, with me helping raise her children while remaining sexually abstinent.

Personally, I do not believe that would be wise or even realistically possible, given the deep emotional bond we already share. I believe continuing to live together would only deepen our attachment and create confusion for ourselves, the children, and those around us. I also wonder what witness that would give to other believers and to society.

Another difficult issue is that I have told her that if Scripture shows we cannot marry, I may eventually have to move on and marry someone else. This is not because I stopped loving her or because I only wanted a physical relationship. It is because I have always desired to build a godly marriage, raise a family, have a peaceful Christian home, and serve God faithfully. If I am not free to marry her according to Scripture, I do not know whether I should remain emotionally attached for the rest of my life.

She believes this means I never truly loved her and that I used her for my own desires before abandoning her. She reminds me of the promises I made and says that if I truly loved her, I would stay regardless of whether marriage is possible. She has also said that if I leave, I am breaking my word before God.

This has left me with another question. Is breaking a promise sinful if the original promise itself was made while pursuing a relationship that may have been sinful? Am I obligated to keep a promise that may itself have been contrary to God's will?

I also struggle with feelings of guilt because I was the one who gave her hope. I genuinely believed what I promised at the time. I never intended to deceive her. But now that I have become more convicted by Scripture, I feel that I cannot ignore my conscience simply because I made promises without sufficient biblical understanding.

At the same time, I feel responsible for the emotional pain this has caused her. I fear hurting her by leaving, yet I also fear dishonoring God by staying if our relationship is not biblically right.

We respectfully ask for your help in answering these questions from Scripture rather than from personal opinion or cultural expectations.

• If someone was baptized only to satisfy a marriage requirement but never truly believed in Christ, should they be regarded as a believer or an unbeliever when applying I Corinthians 7:15?
• Who has the authority to determine whether someone is truly an unbeliever in this context?
• Does abandonment by someone who professes Christianity but appears not to have genuine faith make the abandoned spouse free to remarry?
• If our sexual relationship has already been sinful, what does genuine repentance require? Does repentance include ending the romantic relationship completely?
• Is it biblically appropriate for us to continue an exclusive emotional relationship without sexual intimacy?
• Would it be wise or biblical for us to continue living in the same house as "friends" while raising her children together if marriage is not permitted?
• Does God consider me guilty of breaking my promises if those promises were made in ignorance and in the context of a relationship that may itself have been sinful?
• What should each of us do now if our greatest desire is to obey Christ, regardless of the personal cost?
• What should we both do with each other? I am so guilty of what I did, and I wish I had sought guidance and wisdom before rushing into this relationship. But I don't want to do anything that isn't rooted in Christ, since Jesus called us to love.

One question that continues to weigh heavily on my heart is this:

She has asked me, "If you leave me now, are you not abandoning me just as my husband did? After everything we've been through, will God appreciate you for leaving her? Doesn't God understand? Is God foolish or stupid? Will God still love you if you leave me like this after promising me and giving me hope?"

I honestly do not know how to answer her. On one hand, I feel deeply responsible because I was the one who gave her hope. I promised that I would take care of her and never leave her. Looking back, I realize those promises were made before I had a proper understanding of what Scripture teaches, but they were sincere promises, not empty words.

On the other hand, I fear that if continuing this relationship is contrary to God's will, then remaining simply because of my promises or because of our emotional bond would not truly honor Christ. I do not want to abandon her out of selfishness or convenience, but neither do I want to remain in a relationship that God has not permitted.

So I ask for biblical guidance: If ending this relationship is the right course of action, is that abandoning her, or is it an act of obedience to God? How does God view someone who walks away from a relationship because they have become convinced that continuing it would be sinful? Does God desire that I remain with her until He provides greater clarity, or would delaying a decision simply prolong our emotional attachment?

These questions have left both of us confused and heartbroken. We sincerely want to know what would most honor Christ, even if that path is painful.

Our greatest desire is not simply to preserve our relationship. Our greatest desire is to honor Jesus Christ and submit to His Word. We know we have made mistakes. We ask for biblical correction, wisdom, and whatever counsel will help us walk in obedience from this point forward.

Thank you for taking the time to guide us.