My son is communicating with his unrepentant mother
Question:
Dear Brother Hamilton,
Good evening, Brother. I’m writing to you because I am dealing with complex family matters and need prayer, wisdom, and book-chapter-and-verse guidance.
Recently, I learned that my eldest son has been in communication with his mother, who remains unrepentant. He says he is trying to convince her to repent and turn back to the Lord. I explained to him the many serious matters she has been involved in—actions that remain unresolved and unconfessed.
To give clarity, here are some of the issues that weigh on my heart:
- She stole money from my 75-year-old father, a faithful former preacher and longtime worker in the Lord’s body.
- She committed adultery and spread many falsehoods about me during those events—things I still wrestle with spiritually.
- She has played manipulative games with her own children, all of whom were striving to walk faithfully.
- She has scammed brethren and brethren-friends, causing spiritual and financial harm.
- She has used Scripture to gain trust in business, then disappeared with people’s money. I have personally spoken with about six of these victims who are not members of the body.
- She has made false accusations against me among brethren and through civil courts in several states, and every claim has been dismissed.
Despite all this, she continues avoiding repentance. Instead of confessing her sins before the congregation and to those she has harmed, she simply moves from place to place where no one knows the unrighteousness she has done. She even partakes of the Lord’s Supper while actively living in error, despite knowing Scripture and sound doctrine well.
Now, another burden has arisen: My daughter has left to live with her mother, and together they have started what they are calling a “Bible study group.” Brother, this troubles me deeply because it is not genuine. I struggle to understand how someone can teach truth while willfully living in error. This kind of behavior reflects the very hypocrisy Jesus condemned.
My younger sons have chosen to refrain from communication with their mother because of her unrepentant lifestyle. But my eldest remains intent on trying to persuade her to repent, even having recently attended worship with her.
Brother Hamilton, this is where I need guidance: Is it spiritually acceptable for him to continue engaging so closely with a fallen-away, unrepentant person who has harmed brethren, family, and innocent people—and who still refuses to confess her sin or seek reconciliation?
I am sincerely asking for book, chapter, and verse to help guide my son and me as we navigate this situation in a way that is righteous and aligned with God’s will. I have prayed repeatedly over this and want to handle it according to Scripture.
Thank you for your time, your wisdom, and your patience.
Answer:
Understandably, your children want to think the best of their mother despite the evidence of her sins. And, too, young people tend to be idealistic. They are convinced that they can change her or at least prove that she is not as bad as everyone says she is. Unfortunately, it is that naivety that will get them into trouble. "The naive believes everything, but the sensible man considers his steps. A wise man is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is arrogant and careless" (Proverbs 14:15-16).
If you try to forbid them from talking to their mother, some will rebel and try to find a way around your restrictions. Thus, your best approach is to provide evidence of what she has done. Do so in a factual, matter-of-fact way. It should be clear that you are not seeking vengeance against her. In addition, teach them how conartists and seducers operate. Have a family Bible study on the book of Proverbs ("Proverbs: Practical Advice on Life"), talking about how they can recognize bad people and bad advice. Again, don't mention their mother; let them draw their own conclusions. Help them to no longer be naive about the world and its evils.
Sadly, some won't really apply the lessons until they get burned by evil. However, you can minimize the damage by making sure they are prepared. You can't force people to be reasonable or do the right thing (Proverbs 1:24-25).
