How do I repair the consequences of my sin?
Question:
My girlfriend and I (both from Christian families in the same denomination and church) made the grave mistake of having sexual relations. We sincerely repented before God and asked for His forgiveness, but that act created in me a deep conviction that I had joined her as a married couple before God. My most sincere desire is to marry her and make amends for our mistake by honoring God.
However, our relationship fractured due to a conflict with a friend from church. My girlfriend felt insecure because she said this friend was overstepping her boundaries. At first, I tried to mediate to keep the peace in the church, but I made a mistake by not prioritizing my girlfriend's protection and safety. Ultimately, I distanced myself from the friend because I chose to; she didn't specifically ask me to.
The situation escalated horribly when my girlfriend's mother physically threatened this friend on the street after seeing us walking together (we live nearby, and it was a casual encounter). The friend's family responded with a complaint and a restraining order, so now they can't attend the same church.
I went to tell my girlfriend what happened. Hurt, she told me I didn't know how to take care of her and that I allowed things to happen. Her family accused me of being a liar and told me they didn't want to see me anymore. The friend also distanced herself from me because she believed I didn't support her, when what I was arguing was that, as believers, we should have taken the conflict to the pastors, and not to the secular courts first.
Right now, I'm devastated. My relationship is over, there's a serious division in the church, and families are at odds. But above all, I love my girlfriend, and my greatest desire is to marry her, to repair our sin, and to build a marriage that honors God.
Pastor, my central question is this: According to God's Word, is it His will for us to get married? I understand it's not a legal "obligation," but do you believe it's the path of wisdom and redemption God would want for us after what happened? How can I proceed to try to restore this, if I must?
I don't know what to do. I know I need to grow in wisdom and discernment. How can I show that I've changed? Is there any hope for reconciliation with her and her family (who are believers, and her father is a pastor)? What is the godly path to follow when the conflict already involves the authorities? I am willing to accept your advice and submit to pastoral guidance.
I wholeheartedly appreciate your time and guidance. I need wisdom from above to navigate this situation.
Answer:
Sins can have consequences beyond what you might expect. Consider the consequences that resulted from David's adultery. Many of them you would not expect to have resulted from an affair. But his sin set in motion a series of events, much like dominoes.
Your sin is not the only one that occurred, and that is making it difficult to sort matters. It is hard to think clearly when you continue to remember your behavior. Therefore, let's try to separate some of the problems. One of the points that I'm not clear about is how many people know about you and your girlfriend's sin.
For example, your girlfriend's mother acted out of jealousy on behalf of her daughter. She knows her daughter is upset, and it is possible that she leaped to the conclusion that her daughter was upset because you were seeing another girl. If your girlfriend is too embarrassed to tell her mother, then her mother would feel she is in the right, even though she sinned. People forget that they are not allowed to take personal vengeance.
If your girlfriend's mother did know what happened, she still would have acted out of jealousy. She would be furious that you had sex with her daughter and then were soon with another girl. However, I would normally expect the mother to direct her fury at you.
The court order was simply petty on your girlfriend's mother's part. It was wrong (I Corinthians 6:5-8), but you can't undo the wrong that other people have caused. The division in the church will have to be settled by the elders of the church.
Your fornication did not create a marriage or an obligation to get married. (See "Must I marry the girl I had sex with?") Fornication is a selfish act. I'm glad that you want to marry this girl because you feel responsible, but understand that it is not enough to make a good marriage. Girls often give in to the pressure of sex as a way to keep a boy interested. However, afterward, they discover that it doesn't make the relationship more stable; it causes instability. There is an awkwardness because you both remember that you did what was forbidden. There is a lack of trust because you proved that you lack self-control. It even creates a possessiveness where you think the other person should be bound to you. You show it by wanting to marry her. She is showing it by her jealousy over you noticing any other girl.
You tried to settle the problem between your girlfriend's mother and the girl you knew. What you found out is that Solomon was right. "Like one who takes a dog by the ears is he who passes by and meddles with strife not belonging to him" (Proverbs 26:17). Grabbing a dog by its ears is a good way to get bitten. In the same way, getting between two arguing people who both think you are interfering will get you attacked by both sides.
No one knows what someone else is thinking unless he lets you know what is on his mind. For the same reason, we only know the portions of God's will that He chooses to reveal to us. "For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Even so the thoughts of God no one knows except the Spirit of God" (I Corinthians 2:11). There are far too many people who claim to know what God is thinking, but all they express are their own thoughts. "I have heard what the prophets have said who prophesy falsely in My name, saying, 'I had a dream, I had a dream!' How long? Is there anything in the hearts of the prophets who prophesy falsehood, even these prophets of the deception of their own heart" (Jeremiah 23:25-26). No man can speak for God. People can only talk about what God revealed in the Bible.
God desires that people marry. You marrying your girlfriend would not be against God's will. However, to claim that God wants you to marry this particular girl goes beyond what God has said. The decision to marry is made by the man and the woman. You wish to marry her, but she is currently letting her emotions sway her into deciding that she doesn't want to marry you. You can't force her to decide to marry you. All you can do is tell her that you still love her, but if she doesn't want you, you will regretfully move on to find another woman.
