My wife wants to separate and I don’t know what to do
Question:
Hi brother Hamilton,
I am a member of the church and have been reading the website for answers for a while now. I do appreciate what is asked and answered for things I myself had questions about.
I find myself in a difficult marriage situation. My wife of many years has informed me that she wishes to separate, so that we can both be happy.
Just to give you a background on all of this. She also grew up in the church, but she did not have the best childhood. Her mother had treated her like a competitor and was very judgmental of her decisions (there’s more I could say, but I’ll be here for a while). We haven't spoken to her mom in some years. Her dad, I feel like, has been the rock of support throughout all of this abuse.
She and I have been through a roller coaster of emotions. I am ashamed to admit that initially, I was not as engaged in the marriage as I should have been. I was immature at times and didn’t understand a lot back then. I have prayed to God for forgiveness, to remove all anger and pride from my heart, and to be the better husband I know I am supposed to be. Unfortunately, it now feels like the roles have shifted, and I have been the one to show that she matters and that someone still cares, trying to be there for her in her suffering.
We have children, and I have always wanted to show them that you love those who hurt you and you bless them regardless. Just because that’s what Christ would’ve done.
I don’t want this separation because I not only feel like a failure, but what it would do to our family. The only scripture I can find regarding separation, but not divorce, is I Corinthians 7:10-16. I honestly feel like I will be held accountable on my judgment day, and it makes me sick. Is there any clarity I can get from this? If it were to happen, I could deal with being single if I needed to. I just worry about other souls involved. Please let me know. Thank you!
Answer:
While your wife claims that separating will make everyone happy, she is clearly wrong since you are unhappy about the situation, and I strongly suspect that the children will not be happy either.
Separating is abandoning the covenant that was made. She might wish for you not to be a part of her life, but she is not released from her obligations. As Jesus stated, "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate" (Matthew 19:6).
I don't know what is causing her to abandon her vows. What I do know is that the abandoned spouse is often blamed for the problems. At times, there is just reason: abuse, drugs, etc. However, more often the true problems lie in the discontent of the spouse who is leaving; yet, the abandoned spouse blames himself, believing that if he had just done things differently, she would still be there. Everyone makes mistakes. There are always things from the past that could have been done differently or better. Yet, rarely are the problems limited to just one spouse, and experience tells me that frequently, in cases where a spouse leaves because he or she is unhappy, it is the spouse who leaves who has the most significant problems. I'm mentioning this so that you don't take all her deflection of her responsibilities and blame yourself.
Everyone is held responsible for their actions (Ezekiel 18:20), but you are not held responsible for what another person does. The separation was your wife's choice, not yours. To justify her decision, she tells you that it is your fault that she is leaving. If there are specific sins that you did, then repent of them and be a better man. However, if her charges are vague generalizations that leave you wondering what it is that she is upset about, then realize that you are not likely the problem.
