Before the Divorce

by Terry Wane Benton

In all divorce cases, there is a long period in which peace, love, and communication slowly deteriorate, and each side becomes critical and hardened against the other side. There is a period in which hurt feelings build up into bitterness. Now, nothing the other side does is ever right. Much goes on to move away emotionally from each other long before the divorce takes place. That is the way it is, and that is why issues must be addressed early before the buildup toward the divorce.

That is how churches come to the point of division. Long before the split-up, there is a period of buildup of criticism, perhaps gossip, and hurt feelings that go unaddressed, and then there is an emotional separation that goes on in the hearts. The church is emotionally crippled for a while before it finally enters into the more painful stage of breakup, where the division already going on comes out into the divorce.

But, what if brethren could see where they are going emotionally before they let it drift any further? What if all brethren had the wisdom to see that by not talking to each other and by becoming cold and distant to their brethren, they were setting the stage for a split? What if all brethren had the maturity and wisdom to seek to heal issues by talking to one another and praying with each other, always seeking reconciliation instead of more distance if possible?

What if marriages had two people who did not want it to ever get to a point of divorce, so they decided always to address problems as soon as they came up, talk it out, forgive each other, and move forward in love? What if all problems were addressed in the right way, God’s way? (Matthew 18:15f). Then love would prevail in the home again, and love would prevail in the church again. All parties would value each other more and hold on tighter. Each side would learn to talk to each other more wisely and pray with one another. Thus, their love would become more stable.

When immaturity, childishness, and selfishness prevail, the couple or church is set in motion toward a slow drift apart that will inevitably end in divorce. All the work has to go on during the relationship. It doesn’t heal itself automatically. It takes deep, committed love to cover a multitude of sins, bear with one another, and forgive one another (Ephesians 4:25-32), to talk through each issue.

The principle of love demands it, and the commitment of all parties to that principle would move each other toward healing the breach rather than letting it widen and break apart. Through Jesus, we can do all things. Without Him steering our hearts, we can do nothing but fail. We must pray and work for stronger marriages and stronger churches. We must work diligently to reconcile quickly. That kind of wisdom and maturity will save marriages, and divorce will never occur.