How do I straighten out the mess I’ve made?
Question:
Dear servant of God,
For 17 years now, I have lived with the woman I consider my wife because we have three children together. Last year, she slept out in another man's house while on a trip to our home area, and I immediately realized what was happening. Once she returned to where we stayed, away from home, she alleged that she had gone for overnight prayers, but later she confessed because I came across her. I forgave her; she had to relocate to her home afterward because of some circumstances.
Later, after three months, I realized she continued with the same man, and we argued about the same. I felt let down and hooked up with another woman. Later, my wife said she had left the man, and around the same time, she became pregnant, which happened to be the same time I had visited home. Now I don't know if the pregnancy is mine or for the other man.
I continued with the relationship with the other woman, who knew of my wife but was not aware of our strained relationship. She agreed to continue being with me, and later, consciously for both of us, she got pregnant.
I have recently been getting deeply involved in reading the Word. I have realized that God doesn't approve of polygamy, and I am willing to follow God's guidance.
Kindly advise me on how I should approach the issue of telling the lady I can't proceed with her, though pregnant by me, and how to heal and forgive my wife, and if I should reveal to my wife the other woman and the expected child.
Answer:
If I understand correctly, you have lived with a woman for 17 years without marrying her. However, you have been calling each other husband and wife. If that is the case, then you have been living in fornication. Perhaps I misunderstood, and you two are married. If this is the case, then both of you have committed adultery.
If you are unmarried, you must decide which woman you wish to marry. She, of course, must also agree. That is not a guarantee.
If you are married, you must solve the problems that have divided you. If you are unsuccessful, you will not have a right to a second marriage (Matthew 19:9).
Either way, you remain responsible for your children (I Timothy 5:8).
Question:
Thank you, sir,
We have never been married through any recognized cultural, civil, or church ceremony, but have been cohabiting, though both our parents know we are living together. I am humbled by your response, which enlightens me.
Is the decision on who to marry among the two solely on me? What happens if both want to be married by me, with the excuse of having children with me? What will be the implication for the children of the woman who has been with me for 17 years when they realize the separation from their mother, on this basis? I want to correct this mistake, walk away from fornication, and live a life pleasing to God.
Thank you again.
Answer:
Things are called "sinful" because they cause harm, whether you realize it immediately or not. Because of the harm, it isn't often easy to straighten out the problems your sins cause.
The decision regarding whom you marry is between you and whichever woman you ask. You can only marry one woman. I don't know if the first woman is interested in you anymore since she has been seeing another man. Whatever the decision, it must be between you and the woman you choose. Just because you want to marry one woman, it doesn't mean she will agree.
Regardless of who you marry, you remain responsible for your children and must figure out how to be a part of their lives and support them.
