This morning, I found that I still have problems with anger management. I had to go to a doctor's appointment again, and when I went to the front desk, the secretary mentioned my bill. I have been unable to pay, due to no work, and many health problems which prevent me from working. Sad to say, in just an instant, I lost control of myself and snapped and barked at her.
This anger stayed with me for only a short time, but during that time, my first thought was "That was not a very Christian thing to do, and here I am claiming to be a Christian." This made me very sad. It has stayed with me throughout the day, too.
My counselor took me to this appointment, and when I returned to where she was seated, I almost snapped at her as well. So, I kept quiet and to myself, as I was afraid I would do it again. Later, I tried to talk to her in a decent manner, and she told me not to worry and just realize I had to be there for the appointment. (Another feeling I had was 'surprise' at what I had just done. I wasn't expecting to be angry, but there it was, ugly as it ever has been, taking me completely under control.)
But I am concerned. Why do I still not have control of my anger? I study the Bible, and I know God says to not allow anger to do this to us. But my anger seems to be an instant reaction and is out there for all to see before I even realize it is happening.
During the visit with the doctor, I told him about the situation. I think he already knew because he brought it up. He is the one who has prescribed depression medication for me. Now, today, he told me he thinks I may be bi-polar. And now I am wondering if some of my thoughts and actions could actually be related to this. Or is it even true? I do know I have resentment about taking the depression meds. I resisted allowing this for a long time, but finally, so many had told me that I needed it, I gave in. Are my resentments getting in the way?
So, today, I told God I was sorry about my anger. Then, later, I thanked Him for giving me the courage to stand up to someone else who wanted me to do wrong. It was hard to stand up to this person, but I did. And now, I just feel I made a big step backward, but then made another step forward. The stress of the day made me very tired, and I slept. After waking up, and still thinking about all the day's happenings, I decided to write to you as I know you will tell me 'truth'. So, any thoughts or insights you may have are more than welcome. I will listen.
God tells us that "For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body" (James 3:2). I'm sure most people have off days when they snap at others. Almost always the problem is due to a build-up of other problems. It is one reason why problems that bother us need to be addressed quickly to keep that build-up from happening. "'Be angry, and do not sin': do not let the sun go down on your wrath" (Ephesians 4:26).
It was good for you to notice that you were out of sorts. The bad thing was that you let it eat at you. The better thing to have done was to offer a sincere apology and then move on.
In regards to the doctor, I would search out someone else. I'm not a fan of psychologists, especially one that prefers to use drugs to "manage" people over dealing with the issues in their lives. The diagnosis of bipolar is particularly overused these days. It sounds to me that he is doing nothing more than guessing. For all you or I know, your mood swings that day could have been caused by a reaction to the antidepressants he has you taking.
You would be better off in the long run to find someone to help you deal with issues from a Christian viewpoint. Only when these efforts fail would I consider drugs -- and even then only if the problem is extreme. Using drugs to "manage" anger only means you are avoiding the angry responses by dampening your system. You haven't actually dealt with the problem that triggered your anger.