My husband was deported and I’ve been committing adultery with another man. What do I do?
Question:
I was born in a Christian household. I am ashamed of my sin for that very same reason. My mother had me with a man I don't even know. I found this out when I was 20 years old. I always believed the man that raised me was my biological father.
My life was strict. If a boy would look at me in the church I would go home to my father scolding me on why I was looking at him as well. When I was 17 I met the man who is now my husband. We both attended the same church. When I told my parents that I liked him and he liked me back my father slapped me across the face for being a "sinner" and thinking about a boyfriend. I continue the relationship with him without my parents' approval and committed fornication. I confess everything to my pastor and parents and received a physical beating from my dad at age 18. A year later I decided to marry him against my parents' will and went to obtain a marriage license.
My parents forgave us, and we had a formal Christian wedding and begin living together. I understand and admit that I married to get out of my parents' house and have a normal "youth". As the years have passed by I have been through thick and thin in our marriage. We have two beautiful kids together. I suppose I was happy in the first years of marriage, then I just began not caring about it. I became lonely while my husband enjoyed his many activities in church and the music ministry. We have been married for nearly ten years. I feel unhappy, different, and confused.
A year a half ago I met a man whom I connected with emotionally. He is divorced and has two kids. After a few months, I began a physical relationship with him. I committed adultery. This has been going on for almost two years. It is so serious that his family believes I'm his girlfriend. I feel like I want to divorce my husband for this man. But deep down I feel guilty. I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I don't even know what to do. How do I leave this man?
My husband was deported to his country and he is not even living with me anymore. I even find it more complicated to leave this relationship when I feel single having my husband living in another country. Every day the words that my pastor said to me ten years ago haunt me, "What begins wrong, ends wrong. You committed fornication against the Lord, because of that your marriage doesn't have a future". I know and want to fix my life. I just don't know where to start.
Answer:
The preacher you spoke with years ago was wrong. Nothing prevented you from making a great life for yourself with your husband.
I'm sorry that you had an abusive father, but that doesn't excuse anything you've done. Nor does the fact that your mother committed fornication years ago have any impact on your own decisions. Even your husband's focus on his work doesn't excuse your behavior. You've made bad choices, and you are teaching your children to make bad choices through your example. It is time to be the Christian you've been pretending to be all these years. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10).
You are a married woman. You made your own choice of a husband and the success of your marriage is up to you. You have no right to divorce your husband just because you are bored with him or because he is now forced to live in another country. There is only one answer to the situations and that is you kick the adulterer out of your life. "For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man" (Romans 7:2-3).
If your husband can't come to you, why not go to him? Sure, life will be rough. I'm sure it won't be easy learning another language. But at least you'll be together and your children will have their father back in their lives. If you want to live together in your current country, then start battling the bureaucracy. A wife and children fighting to be united is something even the most stubborn government official cannot ignore.
You've been unhappy, but that is because you've made yourself unhappy. Happiness is not about what life hands you but what you do in response to your situation. Happiness is the choice that you make -- the attitude that you decide to have.
