My husband has become distant to me since the death of his daughter. Now he wants out of our marriage. What should I do?
Question:
My husband and I married seven years ago. A year after we were married, my husband lost his 21-year-old daughter in a car wreck. She left behind a daughter (our granddaughter) who was 18 months old and she lives with her father. I was also very close to his daughter. We had a wonderful relationship. It has devastated both of us. We dated for four years before we were married and I, his daughter, and my daughter had been friends since they were in daycare together.
Our marriage was a very good marriage until her death. Since her death, he has quit living. He quit his job and would not work for 5 years. He has been extremely hard to get along with. He has been totally detached from me in every way. He is not intimate with me and not loving at all. He hasn't touched me in years. There is nothing in our marriage left. He does not want to touch me, talk to me and he constantly talks down to me and is very disrespectful. He wants to be completely left alone.
Last fall he finally got a job and seems to be enjoying it. But our marriage has just gotten worse over time. He still wants nothing to do with me. Since he was out of a job for so long, our credit was tarnished and he blames me for that also. He constantly complains about everything I do. I have tried to be understanding through everything. He refuses counsel so I went to counseling for both of us, just to learn how to deal with this. He refuses to go to church. His granddaughter, from his daughter that is deceased, lives about 3 hours away.
The only thing that we do together is to watch our grandchildren in sports, school activities, etc. We have been married since these grandchildren have been born and he thinks of mine as his own as I think of his as my own. But now he is angry and he blames me that we see our grandchildren more than we see his deceased daughter’s child. I call her weekly and every holiday I send her packages and cards and try to make the best out of a bad situation. I have tried to take up the slack in his life by taking care of things that had to be taken care of because he refused.
Now he is becoming violent. He has not hit me yet but he has started pushing me around and shoves me into things. Of course, every argument is my fault. He turns everything around to where it’s always me. He says that I am disrespectful to him and I am insecure because I want some sort of relationship with him. It has become impossible to live with him. I am miserable. I hate my life with him. I don't know what to do. I feel horrible that all of this has happened. But life can't stop. I realize that he will never get over losing his daughter and neither will I and I understand that it affects him worse than me, but I do still hurt over her loss too, but somehow don't you have to learn to live with it? I realize that he is angry and I don't want to sound selfish, but is this how God intends for me to live the rest of our lives together? My husband now says he wants out of this marriage. What is the right thing to do? Should I try to work this out or just let him go? I have loved him so much through all of this, but now I don’t think I feel that way anymore.
Please let me know your thoughts.
Answer:
Since your husband does not attend church, he falls into the category of an unbeliever, even if he had faith at some point in his past.
It appears that he blames either you or what you stand within for his daughter's death. Since he has no true faith, he lives without hope. "But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus" (I Thessalonians 4:13-14). His lack of faith leaves him no exit from his sorrow. Once the pattern was set, it branched out to blame you for every other failure whether you were involved or not.
As long as he is content to live with you, you should do so. "But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace" (I Corinthians 7:12-15). If he does leave, it won't give you the right to marry another, but you don't have to chase after him and try to force this marriage to hold together.
If he gets violent, that is another matter, remaining with him is not safe. "Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife" (I Corinthians 7:10-11). You can leave a marriage for safety, but again it doesn't give you the right to marry again. The goal is to resolve the problem and return to your husband if he allows the problem to be resolved.
