Marital Needs

by Perry Hall

In premarital counseling, I always ask what the number one need of a man fulfilled in marriage is, and what the number one need of a woman fulfilled in marriage is. Even when these couples are not religious, their own self-awareness teaches them the correct answer. When they say they don't know, and I share the answers, they almost always get that "light bulb moment" and agree. That means down deep, even if consciously unaware, they knew.

However, when I have asked the opposite sex what is the number one need of their partner, the answer is not always apparent. One lady confidently asserted, "He needs me to tell him when he is wrong." I can still see his shocked face! Unsurprisingly, her fiance disagreed!

Genesis 1-3 is about the best place to learn from our Creator what men and women need. Ephesians 5:22-33 is another. Basically:

• A man needs respect based in love.
• A woman needs security based in love.

Women Need Security

• Protection (Physical Security) - By whatever means necessary, women need to know that the man will be willing to do what is necessary, whether standing up to someone who is rude to her, or protecting with his life. This ties into a man's need for physical intimacy. Both are physical.
• Cherished (Emotional Security) - Romance may not come naturally for some men, but women need the little things that convince her you are thinking only of her. This ties in with a man's need for support and encouragement. Both are emotional.
• Provision (Financial Security) - Women need to see that their men will do whatever is necessary to provide for their families. Laziness is not attractive. This ties in with a man's need for peace at home after a hard day's work. Both are financially connected.

Men Need Respect

• Intimacy - Sexual intimacy is physical, and husbands need their wives to show their need for them physically. Sex only as a duty lacks a man's awareness that he is needed. While this can connect to a wife's need to be emotionally cherished, for a husband, I think this connects better in the man's mind under physical security. Since both are physical, this respect connects to a woman's need for physical security.
• Support and Encouragement - When he's right, never let him stand alone. Leading is hard as a husband. When he's wrong, help without belittling him. Leading is hard for a man and submission for a woman is even harder when the wife disagrees. As this is connected to a man's emotions (yes, we have emotions), this connects to the woman's need for emotional security.
• Peace - Men have to recover after "fighting dragons all day," to use a phrase a friend said. Men can get respect from work but need it more from home. Since this is connected to work, both a man's need for peace and a woman's need for financial security are connected, as should be expected.

Are you surprised by any of this? As for anything, there are exceptions and gradations for each need. Plus, not everyone needs to be married (I Corinthians 7). But basically men need respect and women need security. Even if unmarried, males and females will still seek to have these two needs met. If Christians, they will seek godly ways for their needs. Husbands and wives should not begrudge the needs of their partners if this is God's creation.

I purposefully overused the word "connected" in writing this because marriage itself is a connection, but also to make the point that even our needs are connected to the other's needs. This means marriage is not 50/50 because men and women need different things from their partners. Marriage is 100/100. Each partner giving 100% of themselves fulfilling 100% of the needs of the other. God created males and females, God created marriage, and God created our needs, which are fulfilled in marriage.