I’ve been very anxious about my salvation and baptism. I was saved at around 12 years old and baptized when I was almost 14. I was so on fire for God when I was baptized. I was wondering if I should be baptized again because even though I was very genuine about it, I’m not sure if I had fully repented of my sins at the time. All I knew is that I wanted to follow Jesus and I believed in Him and in His word.
I was doing things behind my parents' back at the time, like having a boyfriend when I wasn’t supposed to, and broke up with him because I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to do so. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to lead me in prayer once, and I felt the need to pray for a classmate one night and the next day he came to me and told me that he felt like dying and had a huge amount of anger on the night before. I had no idea he was feeling this way.
After all of this, I decided to get baptized. Then when I was in high school I backslid a lot with my relationship with God. I didn’t read my Bible on a regular basis and still struggle with it now. But even then I try to pray or at least read a psalm every night. Basically, I am super unsure if I am even saved and if my baptism was even valid because I don’t remember if I fully repented.
I want to keep God’s commandments. All throughout high school I never did any drugs and tried to obey my parents the best I could. Now I get so anxious about my salvation and baptism, to the point I want to throw up. I’ve tried breaking these curses, but I feel horrible.
What I see from your note is a young woman who follows her imagination and calls it the leading of God. You do things because of your feelings or because you see other people claiming similar things, but nothing you've done is because you personally saw that this is what God said to do in His Word.
"By this we know that we have come to know Him, if we keep His commandments. The one who says, "I have come to know Him," and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him; but whoever keeps His word, in him the love of God has truly been perfected. By this we know that we are in Him: the one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked" (I John 2:3-6).
Oddly, you claim to have been saved before you were baptized; yet, you are worried that you did not fully repent before your baptism and therefore are not saved. It is contradictions like these that cause me to conclude that you are not acting based on a knowledge of God's teachings.
"So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ" (Romans 10:17). Therefore, instead of relying on your feelings or things you hear from other people, it is time for you to learning for yourself what God requires. Take a look at How to Become a Christian and compare it to what you have or have not done. Look up all the verses and see if they are being used correctly. Then decide what you need to do.