You said to a person on your web site:
"But if you didn't reject those thoughts, but instead focused on them and considered them, perhaps even wondering if you could get away with it, then you have stopped resisting Satan and giving in to sin. That is what lust is, wanting something really badly even though you know it is wrong." [I'm obsessing over my sinful thoughts. What can I do?]
I considered if what the Pharisees said to Jesus about the Holy Spirit could be true since then I feel dead. After considering, I came to the conclusion that what they said can't be true, it's impossible. But my depression got so deep that I don't want to live. My boyfriend said: "That's not sinful, that's analyzing, we're not supposed to believe blindly."
Sometimes I look inside myself and ask "Do I want God?" to know if I've committed the unpardonable sin. Now it seems like the answer is yes, but some days ago when I asked you, the answer seemed to be hidden behind a hurt heart. So it seemed like the answer to that question was no.
I hate waking up because I remember what is happening to me, or what might have happened already. I take medicines to sleep when I can't stand to the pain of being awake. It seems like everything is OK when I'm sleeping, but then I wake up and face reality, then I'm miserable again.
I don't want to go to church because I'll see happy Christians who are saved. And it kills me. I don't want to eat, go out, talk to people, drink anything when I'm hopeless. My parents can't help me, my friends can't help me. When I think that I can have committed the unpardonable sin, I consider committing suicide. If God has left me forever, I see no point in living anymore. That doubt is torturing me. Living without my Jesus is more than I can take. Thinking that God can have left me and taken His Spirit away from me, makes me miserable to the point of wanting to die. And if I find out that He has, I will die.
When I sent you an e-mail and you said that depression can make me feel empty, it made me improve. But then when I saw what you said to that person "but instead focused on them and considered them", I got worse than before.
I think I've committed the unpardonable sin. What would you say to me?
And Jesus never said, "Those who blasphemy against the Holy Spirit won't feel bad for it." He said, "Those who blasphemy against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven." Where does it say in the Bible that those who committed it will not feel bad? It's an assumption, isn't it? It's not a fact that those who've done it won't feel bad. It's a fact that they won't be forgiven. Please, give me biblical quotes that those who've done it won't feel bad.
Please, before it's too late.
What do I say? I see a young woman who is lying to herself and wallowing in self-pity. "He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered" (Proverbs 28:26). Every point you make is about your feelings, not facts.
God clearly states that He doesn't want anyone lost. "The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance" (II Peter 3:9). But you have decided on your own that God not only shouldn't forgive you, but you have also decided that He can't and won't forgive you! Since when did God give you the right to judge yourself. "For I know nothing against myself, yet I am not justified by this; but He who judges me is the Lord. Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord comes, who will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the counsels of the hearts. Then each one's praise will come from God" (I Corinthians 4:4-5). Since when were you given the right to tell God what He can or cannot do? "But if a wicked man turns from all his sins which he has committed, keeps all My statutes, and does what is lawful and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. None of the transgressions which he has committed shall be remembered against him; because of the righteousness which he has done, he shall live. 'Do I have any pleasure at all that the wicked should die?' says the Lord GOD, 'and not that he should turn from his ways and live?'" (Ezekiel 18:21-23).
Then to top all this foolishness off, you threaten to take your life as if such action would solve your problem or give you escape from your self-created misery. Suicide is murder. Murderers end up in eternal torment. "But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death" (Revelation 21:8). If you sin, death isn't an escape, it is a sealing of your fate. Only in life is there hope. "But for him who is joined to all the living there is hope, for a living dog is better than a dead lion" (Ecclesiastes 9:4).
I've explained about the unpardonable sin in detail many times. See:
- What is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit?
- Is it possible for a person to blaspheme today?
- A Sin Leading to Death
A person who blasphemes the Holy Spirit has decided, despite knowing the Bible is true, to reject it. Such a person doesn't care what God thinks because he purposely chooses to live as if God doesn't exist. Blasphemy is a form of arrogance. What Jesus was warning the Pharisees is if they let themselves get to that state of mind, there is no hope for them because there is only one path to salvation and they would be purposely defying it. It wouldn't be a matter that God would refuse to save them; it is the fact that they would refuse to have anything to do with God. "Behold, the LORD'S hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear" (Isaiah 59:1-2).
You, on the other hand, are so concerned about being with God that you worked yourself up in a tizzy. You aren't arrogant or proud in your defiance of God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit. You have not blasphemed God, let alone the Holy Spirit.
I've held off answering your question because I knew there was more to this than what you claim. Fortunately, your boyfriend wrote and told me about the sins you two had been involved in. That is the real problem here. You know you committed fornication, but you don't want to face the fact that you've sinned. You are so miserable about the fact that you knowingly sinned and enjoyed it that you refuse to forgive yourself. Therefore, you've decided to claim that God won't forgive you for other matters either.
Let's get something straight, right now: Christians sin, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). Any Christian who thinks sin can't enter his life is a liar. "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us. My little children, these things I write to you, so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous" (I John 1:8-2:1). Christians aren't in the business of sinning, but the fact is that we fall short from time to time. Hence, we never get complacent about sin. "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall" (I Corinthians 10:12). "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world" (I Peter 5:8-9). And when we are trapped by sin we aren't content staying there. We do something about sin to remove it from our lives.
The real problem is that you sinned and rather than owning up to it, asking God for forgiveness, and trusting that God is faithful in His promise to forgive you, you've been wallowing in your own misery. Get back on your feet. "Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed. Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled" (Hebrews 12:12-15). You've allowed bitterness to take root in your soul, keeping you from returning to God.
What you two did was wrong, but it isn't the end of the world. Confess your faults to God and get moving down the path of righteousness again.