I keep on doing what I don’t want to do
Question:
I am a Christian, though I keep on fornicating. I feel so ashamed to talk to you about my life and what I've gone through. I've led a promiscuous life from the age of 16 years. I entered into a relationship barely three years ago. I still keep on fornicating and as a result, I've had three abortions with him. Also, I committed adultery while I was in the relationship. I'm not happy about my life and I hate myself so much. Throughout the past years, I've been trying to do the right but I end up sinning. As result, I feel scared to pray. The worst part is anytime I sin, I pray for forgiveness and promise God I'll not do that again but I keep on doing the very thing I don't want to.
Please, will God ever have mercy on me and forgive me?
Answer:
God has given you mercy in the sense that you are still alive and able to leave your life of sin. But in order to be forgiven, you are going to have to give up your sins.
You make it sound like you've had no choice. But all of this is occurring because you allow it to happen. One sin leads to another sin. For example, your fornication was preceded by lewd behavior, lust, and sexual touching. While you are upset by the fornication (and it would be correct to be upset about it), the other sins should be equally upsetting. If you refused to allow your boyfriend to sexually touch you, you would not have nearly the struggle of refusing sexual intercourse.
The killing of your children is not a result of your fornication, at least not directly. You could have chosen to keep your children or give them up for adoption. Yes, you got pregnant because you are committing fornication, but the decision to kill the children was independent of the sex.
You can't straddle the fence when it comes to sin. You can't go part way and expect not to be pulled into sin completely. "Do not enter the path of the wicked, and do not walk in the way of evil. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn away from it and pass on" (Proverbs 4:14-15). I suspect a part of the problem lies in the fact that your boyfriend doesn't have the same desire to stop sinning that you do. As a result, he works at breaking down your resolve so that he can have sex with you. "For they do not sleep unless they have done evil; and their sleep is taken away unless they make someone fall" (Proverbs 4:16). For you to live righteously might require you breaking away from his sinful influence.
