I had sex with my ex-boyfriend
Question:
I have been feeling this guilt and regret over the sexual sin I committed over two weeks ago. I have made a very wrong decision that I am constantly regretting ever since.
My ex-boyfriend and I had sex one night while my sister was gone for a couple of days. To add to my regret over this, I knew that he has a girlfriend. I am single. We haven't had a talk for almost a year after our break-up. We never had a proper closure, so I never had the chance to know the details of why he chose to break up.
Earlier this year, he contacted me via text apologizing for what happened. As brief as that. As I was trying to heal my heart, I didn't respond back. Months passed and he didn't text me.
Then a few months ago, he contacted me again and asked me how was my vacation with my family. I sometimes think, if he didn't try to reach me, nothing would have happened. I had decided to move on and forgive him, though I find it really hard for myself. I now know how Satan uses instances like this one. One reply to his text and our conversation had gone into him, suggesting that we should meet sometime and have a play. I knew that he was saying was "he would like to have sex."
Then a few weeks ago (that night I will be regretting for the rest of my life), I texted him and asked him if he would want to come over. Maybe, I wanted sex too, maybe I miss him, or maybe deep inside, I wanted to ask him the questions that were never answered. I wanted to know if I still have feelings for this guy -- the person I loved truly and deeply, my best friend of for over 15 years.
After we met for a long while it was awkward. Everything was different from the way we were before. He was here because of one thing: sex. We did it for a minute or so. I couldn't feel the affection I have had for this person anymore. I felt the sex was only a "deed." That was when I knew that I am not in love with him anymore. That's the time that I pushed him away and asked him to stop. I almost cried, went to the bathroom, and asked for God's forgiveness. I had fallen into temptation again. No matter how hard I tried, I still committed the sin.
He wore a condom and he didn't come either; that's what he said after I texted him that my period was delayed. Now, I am having a pregnancy scare. I don't know why I am afraid and worried this much. But I feel this way every time I had sex with him. After those two sexual encounters, I had a fear of getting pregnant and all.
Now, I have been depressed for weeks. I keep on praying to God to give back my old self. I find it hard to eat, smile, and even do my daily activities. All I can think is I am afraid of getting pregnant. Satan has his ways of making you feel more guilt and sadness inside of you. I never want that to happen. That's why I keep on praying and letting God lead me during this time. It's very hard for me.
I wanted to share my pain with my sister but how could I tell her that I have committed sexual sin? My friends have been a good outlet, and they tell me that I should never do it again. All I can think is me getting pregnant by this person, and we don't even love each other anymore.
I cry almost every night to the Lord asking for forgiveness and guidance during this suffering. I know that He's my only Savior and great comforter. I have taken about six pregnancy tests already and they're all negative but I just can't put myself at peace. I don't know what is happening to me. I am turning 25 soon and I am not sure if this is a quarter-life crisis, but I don't like to be depressed anymore. I never turned my back on God, I know after all of the problems and happenings in the past, I asked for Him to guide us, protect us, and comfort us. I always pray and as I am talking with Him, I always tell Him that whenever I seem to forget to converse with Him or forget about Him, may He make ways for me to pray again. He answered my heart's purest desires. and I know that I should not worry because He knows everything. He knows what is in my heart. But I don't know. I hope I can put myself back together and put all of these behind. I am a Catholic. I attend Sunday masses almost every Sunday. But I also enjoy attending worship service in a Christian church because I think a relationship with Him is more important.
I hope you could enlighten me somehow on my problem. God bless you.
Answer:
Let's start out by looking at some facts. You invited a man, whom you knew wanted to have sex with you, over to your house when no one else was there. You avoid wanting to pin down your motives; instead, you frame it all in possibilities. You even minimize what was done by saying "we only did it for about a minute." Perhaps he only had his penis in your for a minute, but you and he spent far longer getting ready for that moment.
Like many women, you see sex as an outgrowth of a relationship and feelings between two people. Thus, you told yourself that if he was wanting to have sex with you, it meant he still had feelings for you. But many guys see sex as an action to be done. Doing it with someone you like makes it better, but the feelings don't have to be there for a guy to be able to perform or even want to have sex.
I assume that what he told you is true: that he had a condom on and that he did not ejaculate. I would also assume that he did not put his penis into you before putting on the condom since you indicate that you did not know he had it on. By the way, the fact that he had condoms with him also indicates that he knew you were inviting him to have sex before he came over.
You say you are late in having your period, but you did not say how late. Since you have been checking for the last two weeks, I would assume that you should have been close to your period when you decided to have sex. The lateness of your period is more likely due to your depression than because of a pregnancy. Still, the time to think about avoiding pregnancy is before you have sex and not afterward.
The real problem, regardless of your motives and reasons for doing it, is that you sinned. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). Not knowing all your background, I would like you to read: What Must I Do to Go to Heaven?
