I don’t think I am worthy of getting married
Question:
Greetings to my brother in Christ,
I am grateful for the many lessons available on your website and have found guidance in many of the points and critical illumination of God's word. I have been a member of the body of Christ from a young age. The men in my extended family for generations were ministers of the gospel. Though I have strong faith, foundation, and understanding of much of God's word, I find that one failing that I have is seeing myself as "worthy" to even ask God for a blessing for myself so much that I sometimes do not even know how to ask. However, when it comes to others, I have clarity and know how to approach God in prayer and see His providence in due time for them regarding their situation. I know that sounds strange, but growing up a bit poor but understanding the mindset of not focusing on the worldly treasure but on heaven, I learned to pray about needs not wants. I am not a materialistic person so I do not look for things and really do not even think about acquiring things, but what I do focus on a lot is physical health. I was sickly as a child and God brought me through when doctors thought I would not make it from infancy. However, this condition has left me where I would need a surrogate to carry my fertilized eggs (my embryos) if I were to have my own biological children.
I am grateful for God allowing me to make it through all the surgery and pain I had to endure in my life to be healthy and have the physical and mental capacity to be useful in the body. Yet, I find myself wondering if asking for a surrogate is a "selfish want" at this point, even though it is also a physical need if I am blessed with my own biological children. I find myself wondering if I have the right to ask. That is, in the Scripture, I know we see families started on behalf of one woman by another -- e.g., Sarah and Hagar -- however, it was put in motion by the action of the individual rather than prayer to God and God's instruction. I understand that regardless, God's will is what will be done. With that in mind, I have prayed a lot to God regarding my hope for my own child in the future.
I am engaged but I have reservations about marrying only because I know my fiancee would like a child, and I cannot bear children --which he knows. I find myself willing to sacrifice my happiness trying to do "right" by his happiness. Ultimately, I have simply moved forward with the research and understanding of what the statics are, the science is, and the financial investment would be if we give this a try after marriage. I am trying to shut down the "natural man" scientific mindset that creeps in and makes me think I do not want him to be married to me and unable to have a biological child with me. In my human mindset, I do not want anyone "stuck" in a marriage with a person they love but without children that they cannot have. I know children are gifts from God and even without reproductive issues, I may never have had children. However, because of my faith, I find myself believing God will and can make a way for us -- if it is His will.
I have stated a lot and I hope it was somewhat coherent. As a private person, I find it difficult to articulate my deepest concerns out loud without great effort.
Brother, I ask that you please pray with me for guidance, for healthy embryos, for the opportunity of successful surrogacy and live birth of a healthy child/children, for the safe transfer of our child(ren) to us following their delivery, for no legal issues, for a faithful and blessed life of our child(ren), for the ability to afford the gestational surrogacy opportunity, and for a successful marriage and covenant with the Lord, and for the wisdom to rear our child(ren) in God's word. I am a bit anxious about gestational surrogacy with a stranger (I don't have sisters or a family member who can carry them), but I have faith. I am not a greedy person. I would love two healthy children (two little boys) who could grow to be faithful members of the body and workers in spreading the gospel, but if God would even bless us with one child, I would still do my best to ensure they are raised in the nurture and admonition of God, along with my future husband. I find myself often in a similar mindset to Hannah in I Samuel 1 when she is in prayer for a child. I pray to God that I am not seen as selfish for this hope.
I appreciate your time and thank you for your prayers. I pray for God's continued blessings on you, your loved ones, and your work in spreading the gospel.
Answer:
Sometimes we become so focused on accomplishing a goal in one way that we forget that there are alternatives.
First, however, we need to discuss a few things. A marriage is a decision between two people. You express an attitude that you should decide what is best for your fiance. I'm positive that he is perfectly able to decide what he wants. What I gather is that he wants to marry you and you want to marry him. He also knows that you are not able to have children. That was one of the factors in his choice and he still wants to marry you. Don't treat him as if he doesn't know what will bring him happiness.
Second, there are multiple ways to have children. If you want to try surrogacy, then that is the choice the two of you will make. But don't forget there is also adoption. The world is filled with children who need parents. Genetics is not important in creating a family.
