Am I considered an adulteress because I left my husband for another man?
Question:
I married when I was still a teenager. During the first few months, things started changing. He is in the military and deployed. I convinced him beforehand that maybe we should have a one night stand with other people since he kept turning me down but then watched porn. While he was gone I did many things I am ashamed of and upon his return felt that maybe a divorce was in order. I tried multiple things to try and fix us but kept feeling let down. That is when my path of self-destruction occurred (drinking, sex, parties, lies, deceit).
I found out we were pregnant when I was planning on leaving. I decided to stay and maybe he would change for our child. It did not work. I found myself with other men, even after our child was born. We finally moved out of state. I told myself this state would be a fresh start. Things between us didn't seem to improve. I met a guy through a girlfriend and we all had our horses. One thing led to another, and we hit it off so well. At this point, my husband and I were sleeping in different rooms and hardly speaking to each other. Over time this new guy and I had sex. This was over a year ago. I moved out and in with him. Besides that we have had sex, I truly love him and wish I knew him first. My husband and I filed for a divorce at the same time and I am waiting for another court date.
Meeting my new guy made me change all my old ways. I do not want guys looking at me or touching me, I do not want to sleep with anyone else. I have my drinking under control, and he has me back in church.
But I am afraid that I may be the cause of him not making it to Heaven, due to the adultery aspect. Even if we hadn't had sex, according to the Bible I am considered an adulteress regardless, correct? I was baptized and we made a deal that we would not have sex with each other anymore. The deal is to wait until the divorce is final, but we both want to be in good grace with the Lord and speak of waiting until we are married, whether that be with each other or not.
Are we OK, or doomed? Will our lives suffer from our sins with one another? Will my sins affect my child?
All insight is welcome. I do not want our friends and family to know we have slept together, so I don't want to discuss this with them. I have made him out to be just a friend, and he is and so much more. I thank God every day for what he has done in my life and for my child and even my soon to be ex.
Answer:
I will be blunt, though I realize you will not like what I must say.
Throughout your note, I see you blaming your husband for what happened, and likely you haven't really said what was going on beyond his use of pornography. Yes, he was sinning, but that has absolutely nothing to do with your behavior. What I gleaned from your letter is that he was repulsed by your sexual behavior and was protecting himself. The very idea of a man's wife suggesting committing adultery as a way to "improve" a marriage is stomach-churning.
I know you said you were baptized, but you haven't repented of your sins. You talk of having sex with a man to whom you are not married, and only perhaps waiting until you are married. Has no one explained to you that sex is only allowed in marriage? "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). What you are doing is keeping yourself out of heaven. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). This means that the man you have been having sex with is not a good Christian man. Yes, you have been committing adultery, and he also has been an adulterer.
The reason your marriage failed is because of your promiscuous behavior. Yes, you are divorcing your husband, but it doesn't give you the right to marry again. "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9). The best I can tell, you are the one who has been committing sexual sins and that was one of the reasons why your marriage ended. Assuming he was faithful to the marriage, he might have a right to marry again if he so chooses, but you remain bound to the covenant you sought to break.
If you do marry this other man, your relationship will be adulterous. "And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery" (Mark 10:12). You've had your days of partying and now you must reap the harvest you've sowed. It is past time for a radical change. "Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles -- when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries" (I Peter 4:1-3).
Your sins affect your child only in the fact that you will be influencing your child. "The soul who sins shall die. The son shall not bear the guilt of the father, nor the father bear the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself" (Ezekiel 18:20). The child doesn't inherit your adulteries, but your attitude toward sins like adultery will be picked up by your child if you don't make a change.
Question:
Thank you for the response. After reading your response, I feel that there is some misunderstanding. I made the offer to my husband after countless times of him turning me down and then going to view porn. Prior to our marriage, he attempted to convince me to join in a threesome with a friend of his. Of course, I refused and that irritated him.
One New Year he made up an elaborate story about going to spend a couple of days with his buddies. I happened to check our bank account and found charges in another state. So I called him. And he lied yet again saying they went for the night. Something didn't quite feel right, so I called one of the guys who was supposed to be with him. He informed me he knew nothing about the so-called guys' trip. After calling my husband back and using our family locator app on my phone, he confessed he was seeing the girl he tried to convince me to have a threesome with prior to our marriage. Not to mention that this was our daughter's first New Year, and he chose to spend it with his old fling.
Our marriage, as I stated, has been through its good times and its bad times. But I did not mention that our marriage was based on lies and untruthfulness. He was in serious debt, he had a gambling problem that he still has, he lied about a lot of stuff in his life that I found out after we were married. There have been countless attempts to work things out on my part, but he never changes. While he was deployed I attended counseling and he was to as well overseas. But he never did. We attempted counseling here. We met with individual counselors. Then we were supposed to meet as a couple. Lo and behold when it comes time to meet, his counselor was the one assigned to our case. Going into the session she was against me because my husband made me out to be the bad guy. So from the get-go, it didn't matter what I said or did I was in the wrong.
So I guess after this and your response I have another question. How much time and effort am I suppose to put forth? I have tried everything under the sun to fix things, but apparently, he doesn't feel the same way. My daughter means more to me and I want to see her happy. Why am I always the one who has to change to make everybody happy?
Answer:
I teach that the people in the wrong have to change. It doesn't matter to me if you, he, or both of you are wrong. The only side I take is with the truth. All I see in your descriptions are two people whose lives are consumed with sin and wondering why it doesn't work. I don't care about your worldly happiness; I care about your eternal life.
You have been drinking and committing adultery. He has been gambling and committing adultery. And you want me to say one of you is right and the other wrong? "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). The only path to fixing all your problems is in righteousness and since I'm only talking to you, I can only advise you as to what you need to do. It doesn't mean he doesn't have issues to work on; quite the opposite, he has a ton of issues, but he's not interested.
You got into this mess through sin. You married a guy who had no respect for marriage. You knew it in advance because you were committing fornication and he wanted to bring multiple people into bed. It is not a surprise that he continued his sins after getting married. The problem isn't that he's changed; he's still the same sinful guy you chose to marry. I suspect you knew he lied before you married as well, so it isn't surprising that it has continued.
The only real solution is to get yourself right with God. You have to stop playing at being a Christian and actually live as a Christian. That means giving all the sins you enjoy so much. "Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles -- when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries" (I Peter 4:1-3).
Your husband is going to respond by changing with you, ignoring you and continuing his sins, or running away from you. I suspect that the latter two are more likely. From a position of doing what is right, you can then move forward in life.
Question:
I understand that I need to change, that is why I asked my question. I quit drinking and partying a while back, I thank my daughter for that. I feel that if it wasn't for me being pregnant that I wouldn't have changed since it was easier to run the wrong way. I have my head on right now, and I am growing each and every day in the right direction. Being away from the alcohol and parties and people only interested in the wrong things has been great! I know I messed up with the other guy but we realized what we did was wrong.
I did not know my husband had all of his issues before we married, that is why I am so unhappy. If I had known or paid closer attention to see them, I wouldn't have married him or anyone else with those qualities. I do know that he doesn't go out and drink or party either but his money situation is still the same and his living habits are still the same as well. I know that I cannot make anyone change unless they themselves want to.
I am not saying it was mine or his fault, I understand it takes both parties involved, but if one is unwilling to change their ways, does that mean I am supposed to just ignore it and move on with my life staying married to someone?
Again, thank you so much for your reply!
Answer:
"But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace" (I Corinthians 7:12-15).
You try to make the best of the situation, hoping that your example will lead your husband to Christ. If he doesn't want to live with a Christian, then he might leave. His leaving, on its own, doesn't give you the right to another marriage. But if he leaves you for another woman, then you can seek out another husband at that time. If he stays involved with other women, committing adultery, you have the option of divorcing him and you could marry again in that situation (Matthew 19:9).
The best thing would be that you stayed and that he changed, but sometimes the best thing doesn't happen.
