Am I being covetous thinking about a girl who turned me down?
Question:
Last year, I met a wonderful girl who has been on my mind almost constantly since I first saw her. In addition to being incredibly beautiful in every physical way, she also has a very sweet demeanor -- one of those personalities that just lights up the room. Sadly, I was never able to set up a date with her, and my attempts to woo her only ended in failure and in her dislike for me. She has since been seeing another man. Nevertheless, I still feel attracted to her.
But I am concerned that this attraction has crossed over into covetousness. I am accepting things for the way they are and have no plans to interfere with her current relationship. Still, I have often thought about what I could have done differently, and what it would be like if I had succeeded. Sometimes I imagine kissing or hugging her (but nothing sexual) or receiving affection. I also wonder if I will ever be able to become friends with her again, and then maybe have another shot at romance. Have I gone too far? If so, what might you suggest? Thanks again!
Answer:
There is nothing wrong with learning from past mistakes. We all make them and most people make more than their fair share of them when dating. But that is because we are young and so inexperienced when dating becomes a major factor in our lives. It isn't whether you fail, but whether you pick yourself up and move on. "For a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again, but the wicked shall fall by calamity" (Proverbs 24:16).
This then is your problem -- you haven't moved on. You think that if you had said something different or done some action better she would have fallen in love with you. But think about that. It is almost as if you are saying, "If I had put on a better act, she wouldn't have rejected me." You should be looking for someone who loves you for who you are, not who you pretend to be.
Sure, there are things each of us wants to improve about ourselves. We should strive to make those improvements because it is the right thing to do. If those improvements also happen to make us more attractive to some people, then even better. But don't make changes simply to impress someone. Those types of changes never last.
So let's look at the facts. She wasn't interested in you. She didn't even want to have a date with you. Oh well, she missed out on a good man. Whatever made decide against you on such shallow criteria (she never really got to know you), just tells you that she isn't the type of woman you want at your side for the rest of your life.
Move on. Dwelling on the past isn't good for you. It won't help you notice other people around you because you are still staring at the past. You and I don't know what the future might hold. Who knows, she might mature and be interested in you later. But you can't hang your life on maybe's. So wait until you get to that bridge, if you ever do, before deciding whether you want to cross it.
