Chapter 7

Pre-Wedding Jitters

Who has not been nervous just prior to their wedding day? You have carefully searched and selected a companion whom you are about to state vows before the almighty God that you will join your lives together to live as one. Was a mistake made? Was something important overlooked? Perhaps it was too good to be true and he or she will reject you at the last moment. How do you really know that your beloved loves you and you alone?

1 “On my bed night after night I sought him
      Whom my soul loves;
      I sought him but did not find him.

2    ‘I must arise now and go about the city;
      In the streets and in the squares
      I must seek him whom my soul loves.’
      I sought him but did not find him.

3     “The watchmen who make the rounds in the city found me,
       And I said,’Have you seen him whom my soul loves?’

4     “Scarcely had I left them
       When I found him whom my soul loves;
       I held on to him and would not let him go
       Until I had brought him to my mother’s house,
       And into the room of her who conceived me.”

5     “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
       By the gazelles or by the hinds of the field,
       That you will not arouse or awaken my love
       Until she pleases.”

For several nights our heroine has been having nightmares. She dreams that she cannot find Solomon despite her most diligent search. She wonders everywhere in the city and cannot find a trace of him. Night falls and the watchmen come across her still looking. Just she leaves them, she suddenly finds him. She is determined not to let go of him until the marriage is final.

She is terrified that she will lose her beloved Solomon at the last minute.

Her desire is to bring him to her mother’s house, to the room and the bed on which she was conceived, and there have him to herself. There are comfort and security in being in your own home. It was this security that she longs for in her relationship with Solomon, but it won’t be there until they were married. One ancient marriage rite was to spend the night of your marriage in the room where you were born (Genesis 24:67).

Once again she has gone too far in her thoughts and she warns her audience not to arouse passions before their appropriate time. In her desire for security, she dreamed of having sex with Solomon as a way of binding him to her. Perhaps some would even think it would be justified since they would be married shortly anyway. However, this woman understood that intercourse was only honorable within the bonds of marriage (Hebrews 13:4, note that the word often translated “bed” is the Greek word for sexual intercourse). You cannot fully bind someone to you through the act of sex. The bonds of marriage, the covenant, must be in place first, then the two hearts can be joined in sexual passion.

Too many people want the security of a permanent relationship, but they are scared to commit themselves for life. So they play at marriage. They live together, they share each other’s body, but they leave the back door open because, after all, it was only pretend anyway. The sexual relationship does bind two souls (I Corinthians 6:15-17), but it is not a tight enough bond by itself. It is too easily and too frequently broken.

When two people lie with one another before marriage, even though they have full intentions on marrying soon, they introduce doubt into their relationship. If he could not restrain himself for the short time before your wedding how do you fully know he will exercise restraint after you are joined as husband and wife? One of the foundations of love is trust (I Corinthians 13:4-8). When that trust is broken in even a small way, it can take years to rebuild – if it is rebuilt at all.

You know that a couple is rushing marriage when they say things like:

  • “If it doesn’t work, we can get a divorce.”
  • “We’ve come this far, it would be embarrassing to end it now.”
  • “I want this person for as long as our love lasts.”
  • "I’ll be faithful as long as I can.”

Remarks such as these are not honest assessments. They are expressions of a person wanting to rush into marriage. Such a person is looking for a sexual affair and not a lifelong marriage.


  1. If a relationship has lasted so long, why would there be nervousness shown near the end?
  2. Is this only a woman’s problem, or do men get jittery before marriage as well? Why?
  3. Will sex help you hold onto someone you think you are losing?
  4. If it is just before the wedding, what is wrong with sex between the engaged couple?
  5. If you fear you may lose your partner, should you speed up your marriage?
  6. What will make two people feel secure in their relationship?
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