Lesson #3

Train the Young Women to Love Their Children (Titus 2:4)

by Pat Loutzenhiser

Children need a great deal of love. Since there are so many ways of expressing love, Christian mothers need to think about how love is given to children. This love is much more than the maternal instinct with which all women are born; therefore, as stated in Titus 2:4, it must be learned.

Love Defined

Love is defined as a strong, complex emotion or feeling that causes one to please another or promote his welfare. Therefore, real love for children fulfills whatever the child's need is. The purpose of this lesson is to study the characteristics of love as given in the Scriptures and determine how this love can fulfill our children's needs.

The Characteristics of Love

The characteristics of love are given in the thirteenth chapter of I Corinthians. The Revised Standard Version reads, "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends" (I Corinthians 13:4-8).

Love Is Patient

Often, it is difficult for us to be patient with our children, but this attitude may be developed by reminding ourselves that they are children. Therefore, just as we do not expect them to be mature physically, we should not expect them to be mature in other ways. This attitude of patience will enable us to help and encourage them to grow as fast as they can without pushing them or making them feel they are not living up to our expectations.

Love Is Kind

The subject of kindness will be studied in a future lesson. For now, let us remember that kindness is one of the most vivid or obvious expressions of love and encompasses all of the other attributes of love. As applied to our children, kindness causes us to want to help them be comfortable physically, happy emotionally, and secure spiritually. Kind words or actions of parents can lighten almost any hardship for children. Remember the thought expressed in the Mary Poppins Song '' A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down".

Love Is Not Jealous

Jealousy is defined as "apprehensive of being displaced by a rival in affection or favor." Children need to be encouraged to love and consider others (Matthew 7:12). We should never look at their love for others as decreasing their love for us. The opposite is true; the more a person loves, the greater his capacity to love.

Love Is Never Boastful nor Conceited

Children must never be taught that we are proud of ourselves, as though what we are or have accomplished is because of our power (II Corinthians 10:17). Instead, our attitude should show them that we realize all that we are or have is because of the grace of God (James 1:17; Galatians 6:14). Through our example and teaching, they can learn never to be boastful but rather to be thankful for the talents that God has given them and to use them to His glory (Matthew 25:14-30).

Not being conceited would necessitate letting our children know that we do not think we are always right about everything (Proverbs 29:23). But they should know we are trying to make the right decisions and basing them on God's Word. They need to understand that, even though we could be wrong in our judgment, we will not violate our conscience by allowing them to do anything that we feel is not best for them (I Peter 3:16; Romans 14:23; I Timothy 1:19).

Love Is Not Rude

Phillips' Translation reads, "Love has good manners." Parents need to be as polite and considerate of children as they are of adults. As Captain Kangeroo says, "Use the magic words 'Please' and 'Thank You.'" This encourages them to be helpful and obedient. True appreciation brings great joy to children and this joy gives them incentive to do even more for others.

Love Is Never Selfish

Parenthood is one of the best and most enjoyable ways to learn unselfishness because children are so lovable and appreciative. Our material goods, such as nourishing meals, proper clothes, and dental and doctor care, must be used unselfishly to meet the family's needs (I Timothy 5:8). However, even though a child's security is more dependent on material things, he should not be allowed to grow selfish. He needs to learn to be considerate of other family members (Philippians 2:4). Also, he needs to learn not to allow material things to keep him from doing the Lord's work. Matthew 6:33 needs to be impressed upon him often. Many young people have been lost \ to the Lord because they were not encouraged to put this promise into action.

Love Is Not Irritable or Resentful

We should try not to provoke or act or sound grouchy when caring for our children. Nor should we be resentful about anything we might do for or give to them (Acts 20:35). Either of these attitudes could make a child feel disliked or unwanted.

Love Does Not Rejoice at Wrong, but Rejoices in the Right

Since we live in a world with so much sin, we must take every opportunity to rejoice in the right things. We should enjoy the good things in life with our children (Philippians 4:8). Children of all ages appreciate the beauties of nature, as well as music, stories, and games. The joys of all these multiply when parents and children enjoy them together.

Love Bears, Believes, Hopes, and Endures All Things

Love for our children enables us to bear all the trials and stresses of raising children—not only to bear them but to endure them in such a way that we can rejoice and be thankful for the blessings God has given us through our children. We can believe His promise in Proverbs 22:6 and hope for an abundant life for our children, both in this life and in the life to come (John 10:10). We know that "love never fails" (I Corinthians 13:8).

How We Help Our Children Grow

As stated earlier, real love for our children fulfills whatever the child needs. The main need of all children is to develop into mature Christians. To do this, they must grow in four basic ways: physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually (Luke 2:52). Helping them to develop in each of these ways requires much time, effort, and prayer (James 1:5).

Because of the differences in natures and personalities, all children should be treated as individuals. Every mother must observe each child in her family and consider his special needs. Sally may need more physical care and affection; Tom may need more help in his studies; Susie may need more help learning to enjoy and get along with others. Dick may need more instruction and discipline to help him grow spiritually. But all children need love expressed to some extent in all four ways.

It might be added here that because of these differences in nature and personalities, it often happens that one parent can better understand one child's feelings and behavior, while the other parent can better understand one of the other children. Parents can take this opportunity to work together to determine what each of their children needs.

Helping a Child Grow Physically

Physical care is one of the most obvious needs of children, and as mentioned earlier, will necessitate much unselfishness on the mother's part. This is true mainly regarding her time. A good example for us is the worthy woman in Proverbs 31.

A mother must spend time planning and preparing well-balanced meals for her family. How a child eats greatly determines his health, which will greatly affect all the other aspects of his life. The same is true of his sleeping habits, so care must be taken that he has not only a comfortable place to sleep but also an atmosphere of love and peace in the home that is conducive to sleep.

Buying, making, and caring for a child's clothes will require much time, but this is necessary not only for warmth and covering but also for his emotional well-being. Clothes are important to a child because they help him form an impression of himself. If they are chosen in good taste and kept in good condition, he is more apt to have a good opinion of himself and to try to live up to it. This can influence his choice of companions and the amount of effort he puts into his daily work, both at home and at school. This is not to say that clothes mean anything in themselves; it is the love that provides them that is important. There is a saying worth remembering:

"Decent clothes remind a child and tell a world that somebody loves him.''

Helping a Child Grow in Wisdom

A child grows in wisdom in two ways: from an academic study of the subjects taught in school and Bible classes and from experience (Proverbs 3:13-14).

We can help him in his academic studies by seeing that he is feeling well physically and emotionally when he goes to school and Bible classes and then encouraging him to study at home the assignments made by his teachers. Providing a suitable atmosphere in which to study and showing a real interest in what he is doing will help him enjoy studying.

Taking advantage of worthwhile activities at school, at home, and in the church can provide opportunities for learning experiences.

Helping a Child Grow Socially

Just as all children need to be loved, all children need to love. This great desire to love and be loved is common to all of us and is one of the most important influences in our lives; however, it must be developed. The young baby doesn't love his mother -- he needs her. However, as he grows, he learns to love her because of her love for him (I John 4:19). This is a part of his growing socially and closely related to his growing spiritually, for he must be able to love others before he can love God (I John 4:20).

Since a child needs companions to grow socially, and since these can greatly influence him, we must encourage him to choose good ones (I Corinthians 15:33). Then, we need to make our home a place where his friends will feel welcome and enjoy coming. Teaching and practicing the golden rule will do more than anything else in making such a home and helping him grow "in favor with man" (Matthew 7:12; Luke 2:52).

Helping a Child Grow Spiritually

Though Instruction

Because it will determine a child's happiness in this life and where he will spend eternity, a child's spiritual growth is the primary concern of Christian mothers.

From the day he is born, a child learns of God through his mother's loving care. Later, his spiritual growth comes from studying God's Word and the example of mature Christians. We show love to our children by living the Christian life and giving them instruction from the Scriptures daily (II Timothy 1:5; 3:14-15).

We further help him grow spiritually by teaching him obedience. He can begin learning to obey as soon as he can understand simple statements. This will take a great deal of patience and perseverance 'in our love. A child should be given sincere praise and appreciation when he obeys and a spanking when he doesn't (Proverbs 13:24). This gives him the desire to mind. A child who is seldom praised or shown appreciation when he is obedient does not miss this praise when he is disobedient.

Through Training

Proverbs 22:6 gives us a very precious and meaningful promise. If we have been meeting the conditions of this promise, we can gain great comfort and peace of mind from this verse during times of stress and concern over the welfare of our children.

The condition is that we "train up a child in the way he should go." Train is "to instruct by exercise; to drill or to educate." Training a child then is not simply telling or teaching him verbally but having him put to use the principles taught. This is true whether it be in the spiritual or physical realm. It has been illustrated this way. A visitor came to a home where there was a young boy. The boy entered the house, hung up his hat and coat, took them down again, and went out the door. A second later, he came in and repeated the scene. After this had happened for a while, the mother remarked that she had asked her son to do this twenty-five times. She had repeatedly told him, without results, to hang up his coat and hat when he came into the house, and now she was training him to do it. The point is that often, we don't really learn to do a thing until we have practiced doing it several times.

As applied to training in spiritual matters, we can teach or tell a child that God says to "do good unto all men" (Galatians 6:10), but he has not been trained in this until he has helped prepare food for guests in his home or visited the sick, or run errands for neighbors (Matthew 25:34-36). The same is true when it comes to teaching him that God wants all of us to teach the Gospel, desire the office of a bishop, be the head of the home, or, in the case of girls, be a helper to their husbands (Matthew 28:18-20; I Timothy 3:1; Ephesians 5:23-25; Genesis 2:20).

Training in all of these spiritual matters can be a truly joyful experience for children and their parents as they work together to become more Christlike and obtain the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).

Through Discipline

Now that we have studied instruction and training let us look into another aspect of discipline: the part that involves punishment and reward. In Proverbs, we read, "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." (Proverbs 13:24; 3:11-12; Hebrews 12:7-11). This points out that punishment is necessary for rearing children and that this punishment is given because of love and concern for our children's welfare. When Tommy runs out into the street, we spank him because we love him and don't want him seriously injured or killed; this impresses upon him the fact that disobedience brings discomfort or unhappiness without his having to go through the painful experience of being hit by a car.

When punishing children, we must not have an irritable attitude as this could make them feel they aren't loved because they have been disobedient. They need to understand that you are punishing them because you love them. You might say, "Tommy, Mommy loves you, so she had to spank you because you ran into the street, so you will remember not to do it again." However, just saying we love them doesn't help the situation if we are acting as though we don't.

Older children need chastisement just as much as younger ones, but hopefully not as often. If we have been consistent in our discipline and training through the years, they will progressively need less punishment.

It should be brought out here that we must be careful not to expect more of a child than we should for his stage of maturity nor give him responsibilities for which he is not ready. Repeated failure to meet his parents' expectations results in feelings of inferiority or despair and could cause him to stop trying. We must strive in every situation to help a child have a good opinion of himself. He should feel that he can do what is expected and that he usually does as he should. He should be secure in knowing that his parents' love for him is based on their appreciation of him for what he is and not upon his meeting all their expectations of him or his never doing wrong.

Conclusion

In the scriptures, God compares our relationship with him to a child's relationship with his father. God is our Heavenly Father, and viewing it this way helps us better understand our relationship to our children and how we should show love to them.

God has patterned life in this world in such a way that sin consistently brings pain or unhappiness in one form or another. This helps us realize that God knows what is best for us in the physical realm and must be in the spiritual realm. God provides all that we need physically (Philippians 4:9). He also made our minds so that we can enjoy learning about the wonderful things of His creation. Then He has given us companions, fellow Christians with whom to enjoy the life he has given us. Also, He is always ready to listen and talk to us. He has promised that He will not ask us to do anything more than we can do (I Corinthians 10:13). If we do sin, he has provided a way for us as His children to be forgiven (I John 1:9). He makes it clear that he loved us even when we were sinners and that we will always be His children and have His love (Romans 5:8; 8:35-39).

Questions

1. Give a simple definition of love.
2. Name six of the basic characteristics of love. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)
3. What thought will help us be patient with our children?
4. What is one of the most obvious expressions of love?
5. Why should we be happy to see our children learning to love others?
6. Why should we not boast of what we have accomplished? (II Corinthians 10:17-18)
7. How can we "violate our conscience" in making decisions concerning our children?
8. What is the best way to teach good manners to our children?
9. How do children help parents learn unselfishness?
10. How does Matthew 6:33 help a child feel secure?
11. What effect could a grouchy or resentful attitude have on a child?
12. What are some of the things you can enjoy with your children?
13. What assurance do we have that all the effort of raising children is worthwhile?
14. What are the four basic ways children grow? (Luke 2:52)
15. How do children's needs differ?
16. What verse in Proverbs 31 tells us that clothes are for more than warmth and covering?
17. In what ways can clothes influence a child's life?
18. What saying is worth remembering?
19. How can we help a child enjoy studying?
20. How does a baby learn to love? (I John 4:19)
21. How must a child feel toward himself before he can love others? (Matthew 7:12)
22. What must a child feel toward others before he can love God? ([ John 4:20)
23. How do companions influence a child?
24. What should be the primary concern of Christian mothers regarding their children?
25. Give an example from the New Testament of a mother who instructed her son in the Word of God daily. (II Timothy 1:5; 3:14-15)
26. Why is it easier for a child who is not used to receiving praise and appreciation to be disobedient?
27. What does it mean to train a child?
28. How can we apply training to spiritual matters?
29. How do we know children need to be punished for disobedience? (Proverbs 13:24)
30. What attitude should we have when we punish a child?
31. What attitude should we not have when punishing a child?
32. How can we tell how much to expect of a child?
33. We can compare our relationship with our children to what other relationship?
34. List some of the ways God shows love for us as His children.