masturbation – La Vista Church of Christ

What should a husband do when his wife isn’t available for sex?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Mon, 28 Apr 2025 22:53:06 +0000

Question:

Hello Jeffery,

My wife and I have now been married for over a year, and it has been wonderful. We have, of course, already faced life's challenges, but I genuinely feel that we have overcome them only by the grace of God and the strength that the Lord gives us through His Word. We make each other laugh every day, and she is truly my friend. I am very grateful that she is my wife, and I know she has drawn me closer to God. She inspires me every day.

I am seeking guidance and advice. Previously, you advised me not to have expectations of how intercourse would go, and I am grateful for that because it certainly did not work right away. It took both of us time to experiment and figure out what we liked sexually and what worked for us. But for the past year or so, intercourse has gone well for the most part. There have been times when I was not able to get hard enough for intercourse for all kinds of reasons (not feeling physically comfortable, overthinking, not being in the moment, etc.). She was very supportive and understanding when that did happen. But for the most part, it has been wonderful. We have not limited ourselves to intercourse and have participated in oral sex as well.

What has become apparent, however, in the past month or so is that we are in a season where we have different sex drives at the moment. We have had sex only three times in the past month. We had both gotten used to having sex at least once a week, but usually 2-3 times a week. There are a couple of reasons for this: 1) The first week, she was not that interested in sex because she felt like she was fighting off a yeast infection, and told me that is why her sex drive was low. 2) She was out of town for a few days on a planned trip we had, so she was not home. 3) I flew out to meet her (we flew at separate times due to my work), and on our second night together on our trip, we had sex, which was wonderful. A few days later, she confirmed that she had a yeast infection and had to take medication that required her to not be sexually active for seven days after she had finished the medication.

It has been ten days since we last had sex. We are waiting for the seven days after she has finished with the medication, which should be in a few more days. I have not masturbated and have refrained from ejaculation thus far for two reasons: 1) I know my wife is also missing sexual intimacy and I feel like I should refrain in solidarity with her since she can't have any sexual activity; 2) I know that if I decide to masturbate and ejaculate without her, I'd feel guilty becase I'm filling my sexual needs without her. But with my sexual desire rising and seeing her naked every night in the shower, I have asked her at least twice in the past month if she could go down on me (ie, oral sex), and she has turned it down each time. We've discussed how I will always leave it up to her when I ask, because I want my wife to want to do it. This morning, I asked her if she could "take care of me" while I was on my lunch break (I've shared with her that this has been a long-held fantasy of mine, and we've discussed doing it one day). She said that her mom, who lives with us, would need to be gone, and I was admittedly disappointed, and my body language reflected that. She didn't appreciate that reaction from me, and I think rightly so. She let me know that it made her feel bad, and that she should not feel bad. Keeping Ephesians 5 in mind, I apologized for making her feel bad and for being pushy, told her that she didn't need to feel bad, and thanked her for letting me know how my actions affected her.

As I considered the events of this morning, I thought that it was ironic because if I did masturbate and ejaculate, it would lower my sexual desire and sex drive. It would help me achieve more self-control than I showed this morning. In this answer you gave in 2017 about if masturbating was lack of self-control, you said "The production of semen in a healthy male is continual, so to argue that a man ejaculating because he ran out of room to store semen and doesn't have access to his wife is somehow cheating on her is false because he will still be able to have sex when he reunites with her." So there is a part of me that tells myself that I should go ahead and control my sex drive by masturbating only when my wife is not available to me, either due to distance, illness, or when she is on her period. This part of me tells me I should deal with the realities of being male.

The other part of me is aligned with the response you gave to this question from 2006, "My wife no longer has a desire for sex. What do I do?" You said, "The real measure of a man, though, is your strength in the face of obstacles." You then go on to cite Philippians 4:11-13, with which I agree. You also mentioned that "...while our sex drive is strong, it doesn't mean it must dominate our lives. 'But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified' (I Corinthians 9:27)." This part of me is telling myself that I should control myself until I am reunited with my wife once she can have sex. I should refrain from masturbating and endure the rising sexual desires and redirect that energy elsewhere. A relationship can have non-sexual intimacy, and this part of me is trying to focus on our connection and relationship that we have that is outside of sex, which is awesome! It feels like I married my best friend. We talked about this when we were dating and engaged: We can have intimacy with each other without it having to be sexual.

However, I also know that I can focus on those aspects of non-sexual intimacy all I want, but it's not going to take away the need for ejaculation. It makes me think about when Paul says, "For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do" (Galatians 5:17).

The answer you gave in 2006 mentions that "Even if it (sexual activity) is not possible, the male body will take care of itself through nocturnal emissions." I can't remember the last time I had a wet dream. I have no idea how long I would have to go without ejaculating before I would have one, if I can have them at all. I also think that once we have kids, that is going to change things as far as how often we have sexual intimacy. And even when she is pregnant, she may not want to have sex. I know that also, women generally tend to need several weeks, if not longer, after they give birth. If I don't masturbate during these times, I may end up finding out how long it takes for me to have a wet dream during that time, though I know I'm going to go crazy.

What my questions come down to is this: Should a husband listen to his body and control his sexual desires by masturbating and ejaculating when his wife is not available for sexual activity? Or should he refrain for however long it takes for a wet dream to occur so that it becomes an involuntary act, or for his wife to be up for sexual activity again?

I know you may not have a clear "yes" or "no" answer for me, but any guidance or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Answer:

I think you missed the point in "My wife no longer has a desire for sex. What do I do?" I pointed out that all men spend a period of their lives not having sexual intercourse, and they manage to survive it. During those times, men ejaculate through wet dreams or masturbation. These are not as thrilling as sexual intercourse, but they do keep the sex drive under control. Thus, if he was able to do it in the past, he can use the same techniques at present when his wife is unable to desire sex. The biggest danger is that men often will get caught up in lust and pornography because they start chasing the pleasure instead of seeing this as taking care of the need. It is this aspect of your body that needs to be brought under control.

For example, if your wife wasn't available to cook, you would not assume you need to go without eating to demonstrate how much you love her cooking. The body's needs should be managed appropriately without letting them dominate your life. Going without eating would likely result in you losing your self-control as you become more desperate to eat. In the same way, trying to tough it out without ejaculating could lead to a loss of self-control.

I'm unable to tell you what your limits might be. I'm only suggesting that if you are finding your self-control slipping, then you need to manage your body by relieving yourself.

One of the difficulties husbands and wives have is assuming that the other person sees the situation in the same way. While women enjoy sex, they don't have a physical component to their sexual desire. Many women can do without sex for long periods, so they don't understand why men don't act the same. Conversely, men have a strong desire for sex when their seminal vesicles get full. If wet dreams don't happen (and not every man has wet dreams), that desire rises until instinct takes over. They don't understand why their wives don't see how desperate they are to ejaculate, and so they blame their wives for not caring. What is needed is some open discussions about your views of sex and your frequency of need. "The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But this I say by way of concession, not of command" (I Corinthians 7:3-6).

There are ways to have sexual intimacy that do not require intercourse. Discuss with your wife what the two of you can do when you need relief. You are correct that there will always be times when your wife will not be available for sex: trips, illness, exhaustion, etc. The practical solution is to manage your needs just enough to get through those periods. What you want to avoid is using masturbation as a way to avoid your duty to your spouse.

One last point: you mention not wanting to make your wife feel bad. No husband should set out to make his wife unhappy. However, people are people. There will be times when your wife makes a poor choice, and you'll be disappointed. Open communication is necessary to convey your perspective on the situation. It must be worded gently and with proper concern, but hiding your feelings about the matter or pretending that you are fine with a bad choice is not good for a marriage.

Does I Corinthians 7:5 mean masturbation is a sin?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Tue, 19 Nov 2024 01:23:30 +0000

Question:

Hi Pastor,

Paul says that married couples should not deprive one another, but they should rather come together for intimacy. How does his reasoning work if masturbation is not a sin? Wouldn't the man and woman simply meet their own needs individually? I may be missing a way to harmonize these two ideas.

Thanks ahead,

Answer:

People tend to focus strongly on what is physically seen instead of looking at spiritual problems. For example, knives and guns are used to kill people. Does that make knives and guns sinful, or are they merely tools used to sin, and the real sin is the hatred people have for others?

A husband or wife denying their partner sex and using masturbation to satisfy their own need is sinful. But is masturbation the sin or the selfish disregard for their partner the sin? Technically, wet dreams are a form of masturbation done in your sleep. Does this also become labeled as sinful? What if a husband denies his wife sex and allows wet dreams to satisfy his need to ejaculate?

What happens when a husband is deployed for six months? I'm not saying masturbation must be used. I'm merely pointing out that a large number of males are only able to ejaculate through masturbation when their seminal vesicles get too full if they are not having sex.

Then, there is the problem of your question being focused on married men. What about single men?

What you did was take a passage that states a denial of sex is sinful and then assuming that masturbation is the cause of the denial. That isn't proper reasoning.

Response:

That’s a helpful response.

My qualm before was that because men and women could meet their own needs, perhaps the idea of depriving would no longer exist. But actually, saying masturbation is a sin does not mean it is a replacement for intimacy in marriage (like you mentioned). A Christian couple still needs to come together.

All the best to you,

How do I deal with my rising sexual tension before marriage?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Tue, 08 Aug 2023 22:22:23 +0000

Question:

Hello Jeffrey,

First of all, thank you for all the work and efforts you have put into the site, Growing Up in the Lord for Boys. Even though I'm in my mid to late 20s, I really appreciate the answers that you give, and how you give your answers a God-focused perspective, while also dealing with the frank realities of being male.

As of this writing, I am just a few months away from being married to my fiancée and best friend. We have been engaged for just under a year and have been together for over two years. We will both be virgins on our wedding night. We have both been stubborn about keeping ourselves pure before marriage. This led to us not even kissing until I proposed to her. Even now, when we do kiss, we keep it under a few seconds and never longer. When we do sit close together on the couch, we are mindful of where we place our hands. We keep it limited to hugs and hand-holding. Sometimes I do place my hand on her thigh, but I never let my hand get anywhere beyond that.

It was recommended to us that we read the book "The Art of Marriage". Reading this book has been instructive when thinking about the emotional and physical aspects of the sexual relationship in marriage. However, after reading some of the book separately, we realized that we were limited in what we could talk about together regarding the book before marriage. This is because so much of the sexual aspect of marriage you learn by doing.

I've confided to my fiancée that while the book has been instructive, it is rather frank in talking about sex, and I have struggled with keeping my thoughts under control. I have been sporadic in reading it in order to keep myself from fantasizing about what sex will be like with my fiancée once we are married. There is a chapter in the book that has recommendations and guides on the wedding night and that first sexual encounter, how to bring a woman to orgasm, what her clitoris is, how to stimulate it, etc. It also includes the pros and cons of a few sexual positions, plus a lot of other information as well. When it comes to ejaculating, I'm one of those guys who can't remember the last time I had a wet dream. I think I started masturbating and bringing myself to ejaculation before I ever had enough of a buildup to even have a wet dream.

I will say, there have been a couple of nights recently where she has been at my house (her mother is always at the house with us, so we are never alone) and we were both feeling passionate and attracted to each other, but we didn't act on anything. Like I said, we keep it limited to just a few seconds-long kisses and hugs, and sitting close together on the couch. We also are very honest with each other and tell each other if something becomes "too much" for the other.

Between reading about what sexual life will be like once I'm married, plus being really attracted to my fiancée, I find myself thinking about sex a lot, which increases my sexual arousal and gets my "engine" going. There have been a couple of times where I do masturbate and ejaculate after she has left and gone home. What do you think about this? When I do masturbate I try not to think about her specifically, because even though she is my fiancé, we are still not married yet, and it would be wrong to be using her specifically in any fantasies. I am mindful of verses, like Song of Solomon 2:7, that talk about not stirring up or awakening love until it pleases. I fight against fantasizing about what sex will be like with my fiancée, and I do try to keep it to just thinking about what sex would be like once I'm married. I try to keep it as generalized as possible.

Do you think it is okay in my situation while engaged and just a few months shy of being married, to use masturbation a few times a week as a way to ejaculate and take the edge off of my heightened sexual arousal before being married? Do you have any advice on how to manage my "thought life", specifically while engaged to be married?

I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Answer:

I suspect the book you are reading is The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye. It is a decent book, one that my wife and I read before our marriage, but I have found some of the recommendations to be inaccurate. I found Love Life by Ed Wheat to be better.

When I do marriage preparation classes, one of the topics I cover is that sexual temptations rise before a wedding. Not only is there the approaching excitement of having sex for the first time that raises your arousal levels but there are temptations, such as "If we jump the gun, no one will know if we have sex just before the wedding." Of course, God knows but you and your fiance also know. Giving into those sorts of temptations will plant seeds of doubt that may start growing later in a marriage. You have the right idea that you have to stick to your commitment to not let anything even start you down the path of sin.

One of the traps to avoid is thinking that you need to perform intercourse perfectly. You and your future wife are totally inexperienced so that is an unrealistic expectation. Aim to have fun and enjoy time moment (and the mistakes). Learning about what is expected in sex is good to avoid causing unnecessary hardships or pain. I'm finding it necessary to discuss these matters because too many guys have seen pornography and think sex is supposed to be like porn -- it isn't. The fornication shown in pornography is about selfish behavior. The act of intercourse in a marriage is a giving behavior.

However, thinking about what is coming up does stir sexual passions. Such are hard to avoid. As you noted, Song of Solomon brings up the problems of daydreaming about sex (Song 2:5-7), dealing with sexual desire (Song 2:16-17), and even dreams of sex (Song 3:1-5). The struggle to maintain pure thoughts is real and an important battle to fight. By the way, it isn't really the books that are causing the issue. Even without the books, the struggle would remain because of the knowledge that your opportunity to have sex with your wife is coming closer.

For males, ejaculating does keep the physical parts of sexual desire under control. There is no reason to stop what works for you prior to your wedding night. As you are noticing, it will not interfere with your ability to have sex on your wedding night since your body regenerates semen rapidly when you are aroused.

In regards to thoughts, all I can suggest is that you avoid thinking about sexual acts when you are relieving yourself. Of course, your thoughts will be gravitating toward your intended -- that is natural. However, you don't want to create expectations that are not likely to be met when you actually do have sex. When a guy is highly wound up sexually, he can ejaculate without thinking about anything in particular.

Can taking Holy Communion miraculously heal?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Sat, 29 Apr 2023 02:14:09 +0000

Question:

Dear friend,

I was baptized as an adult who believes in Christ. I was told that he is our Perfector and our Savior.

I had previously struggled with lust, hoping to rid my life of pornographic images. After the baptism, I would still sometimes masturbate, which a Christian friend said he once had problems with. I no longer do this. Is sexual sin forgivable after baptism?

And also, what do you teach about rebaptism? Some call it a grave sin or sacrilege if it is done intentionally to break a known rule. If it is, is it forgivable?

And finally, do you know of anyone who was ever healed miraculously through Holy Communion? I have been struggling with hyponatremia, obesity, and other normal health problems. I also feel a profound feeling of pain, decay, decrepitude, and despair inwardly. I can only wish that it were possible to be healed of my inward problems.

Can you respond to these questions at your next convenience?

Thank you again in advance.

Answer:

My impression from reading your note is that you make decisions more from what people tell you than from what you have learned from the Bible.

It is really good to hear that you've broken the habit of pornography. That is often a difficult habit for men to overcome. See A Look at Pornography and Is masturbation unacceptable?

All sins are forgivable when they are left behind through repentance (II Corinthians 7:10-11). Baptism does not prevent sins from happening. Everyone stumbles in sin at times, even Christians. "If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us" (I John 1:8-10). The difference between a Christian and a sinner is that a Christian refuses to remain in sin. He does something about his sin.

You are looking for being baptized again because you think you should never sin as a Christian. Baptism might be done again if the person was not baptized for the right purpose. See What authority is there for re-baptism?

The Lord's Supper or Communion is taken to remember Christ's death on the cross. "For I received from the Lord that which I also delivered to you, that the Lord Jesus in the night in which He was betrayed took bread; and when He had given thanks, He broke it and said, "This is My body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of Me." In the same way He took the cup also after supper, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in My blood; do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of Me." For as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until He comes" (I Corinthians 11:23-26). It does not cause miracles to happen. It is a declaration by Christians that the Lord Jesus lived, died, and lives to return again.

The hardship and decay of this world are reminders to us that this world is not our permanent home. "Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal" (II Corinthians 4:16-18).

Why are you using the argument from silence differently between the topics of masturbation and instrumental music?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Tue, 29 Dec 2020 02:52:04 +0000

Question:

Hello,

I hope all is well! I just wanted to say that I felt your advice, backed up by Scripture, has been helpful. I'm a 23-year-old male and struggled with masturbation (without fantasizing or porn), wondering if it is a sin or not. This is an on-again/off-again matter and I believe it has contributed much anxiety to me to the point where I'm breaking out on my neck and elsewhere, finding it hard to sleep, having shortness of breath when I sleep, etc. I've been to the doctor several times, and they found nothing at all and said I was healthy.

Getting into my questions: In your response to a question, you said, "Why add to what God said?" regarding where the Bible says nothing about the matter of masturbation. On the other hand, (I'm not a part of the churches of Christ), I came across your argument against using musical instruments with worship because it's not mentioned in the New Testament. You stated "God never says, "Thou shalt not use mechanical instruments of music in worship." However, to assume that such silence is permissive is presumptuous. To establish what God desires in our worship today, we must begin with what God has commanded, not what He has not forbidden. The failure to do so is digressive, and is greeted with God's wrath, not His approval."

With this same logic/thoughts, wouldn't this apply to masturbation as well since the Bible is silent on that matter and "to assume such silence is presumptuous"?

I would really like to hear your perspective. Do you think the musical Instruments in worship matter is really binding on if it's a sin and will send you to hell for doing, even though you are just singing along to the music worshiping God along with the lyrics?

Also, I want to know because you and gotquestions.org have totally different perspectives on masturbation and worship using instruments. Both say something like a "lack of direct scriptural “authorization” of a certain practice is not an automatic prohibition." (gotquestions.org on using musical instruments in worship and you on masturbation). You guys also say things like "However, to assume that such silence is permissive is presumptuous." (Gotquestions.org said something like this addressing masturbation and you said this addressing using musical instruments in worship)

I'm just a little confused. I understand that it's a denominational thing which I understand is not bad, but do you think worshipping with any type of instrument with God-honoring lyrics will automatically cause you to be sent to hell?

I also struggle with a tad bit OCD that sometimes has me asking questions to ensure my salvation when really I should just focus on the finished work of Jesus on the Cross and have faith that because of that and I believe in Him and confessed that His Lord, I am Saved.

Thank you so much for all your help!

Answer:

I believe you are referring to It is clear that masturbation is sinful. Why are you saying it is not? The writer asserted that masturbation was a sin because he lumped it in with sex (porneia). But he didn't prove his point, he only asserted it. Actually, I can prove the opposite, that masturbation is not included in the category of sex.

Typically people claim that masturbation is not mentioned in the Bible, and it is true that there is no direct mention of it. But it was covered by the Old Testament laws. To see this, go to Leviticus 15:19-23. This is a law declaring that when a woman has her monthly blood flow, she is unclean for one week. This does not mean she sinned. She had to separate herself for the week. Only if she broke the laws of uncleanness would she have sinned. However, the fact that she is having a blood flow did not mean she was in sin. Just before this passage, in Leviticus 15:18, is another law that said that anytime a man and woman have sex and the man ejaculates, the couple is unclean for a day. While the couple could be involved in sins, such as fornication or adultery, this law also covers married couples. They were expected to have sex; yet, the result was that they were unclean for a day. Once again, we see that being unclean is sinful. Now, look at Leviticus 15:16-17. Here we learn that any time a man ejaculates, he is unclean for a day. However, it is not talking about sex -- that is in Leviticus 15:18. In fact, in Leviticus 15:16-17, the ejaculation is mentioned without any other person being involved. This law would cover both wet dreams and masturbation. But like the woman with a blood flow or the married couple having sex, this does not mean he had sinned. The one common point is that the man has ejaculated semen, which also explains why ejaculating during sex also makes the couple unclean.

Therefore, there were laws that covered masturbation, but there are no laws that say that masturbation is a sin — only that it made a man unclean for a day under the Law of Moses. Since masturbation was not ignored, and it was not labeled a sin, it is wrong to declare it a sin on your own initiative. This doesn't mean a man can't sin while masturbating. Too many men watch pornography or imagine themselves committing fornication while masturbating. It is these lustful things that are wrong (I Thessalonians 5:3-7).

Instrumental music is different. God did specify what kind of music He wanted in Christian worship.

"Speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:19).

"Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God" (Colossians 3:16).

To change what God specified becomes wrong and adding instruments would be changing what God said to do.

Notice that in both cases, I started with what God said. Masturbation was unclean under the Law of Moses and no more was stated. Vocal music was specified for worship in the New Testament and no other kind of music was stated. Consistency requires that in both cases we cannot assume more (masturbation is a sin or instruments are acceptable in worship) without adding to God's teachings.

GotQuestions.org is written by people associated with the Baptist Church, so it isn't surprising that they seek to justify the use of instrumental music in worship, even though prior to the 1800s the Baptist churches opposed the use of instrumental music. See The Amazing History of Instrumental Music in Christian Worship.

The churches of Christ are not a denomination. We don't have a document defining how we are different from the various denominations. We don't have a central headquarters or a ruling body that determines what we believe. We are Christians who worship together because we have a common desire to follow the Scriptures, which is our sole guide. See We Are Simply Christians Without Being Members of Any Denomination. You Can Be Too!

In regards to salvation, see What Must I Do to Be Saved?

In regards to your anxiety, see Worry, Worry, Worry.

How can I stay out of fornication?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Thu, 28 Mar 2019 15:35:47 +0000

Question:

Evening sir,

I need spiritual deliverance.

I am a married man, but before my marriage, I was lost in fornication. I even dragged my fiancee into it. We realized later that it was not good and confess our sins. However, I couldn't get control over my sexual desire, to the extent that I masturbated sometimes. After we got married, I still found myself cheating on my wife. Then I decided that it was enough and gave my life to Christ.

But one day I was having a stronger sexual urge. I called my wife because she was not around to tell her that I want her, but she could not come because she was far from me. The urge was serious. I asked God for strength and help but in the end, I still fell into fornication.

I feel so bad. I want it to stop. I am even ashamed of going back to Christ, but I seriously don't want this to happen to me again. Please, I seriously need help. What can I do?

Answer:

"For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age" (Titus 2:11-12).

Just to make sure we are talking about the same things:

Fornication is when two people who are not married to each other have sex.
Adultery is when two people commit fornication, and at least one of them is married to a different person.
Masturbation is when a person relieves his sexual desire through self-stimulation. Masturbation is not a form of fornication since another person is not involved.

What I am uncertain about is whether you said you committed adultery while traveling without your wife or whether you are confusing terms and saying you masturbated to relieve yourself. It makes a difference because God never called masturbation a sin. See: Is masturbation considered a sin? In contrast, adultery is a sin. "Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4).

During a marriage, each partner makes himself available for the sexual needs of the other. "But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does" (I Corinthians 7:2-4). Masturbating instead of having sex with your wife is avoiding your duty to fulfill her needs. However, if you are traveling for an extended period, relieving yourself may be necessary if you are unable to have wet dreams. While not ideal, it is better than committing adultery. This is why Paul states that being apart from your marriage partner must be by mutual consent. "Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But this I say by way of concession, not of command" (I Corinthians 7:5-6).

Does “burning with passion” include masturbation?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Thu, 14 Feb 2019 21:53:32 +0000

Question:

Hello preacher,

I write to you because I want to read your answer more carefully and I believe that a written response will be more crafted. I've already read the material you have on the website about masturbation while one still a single person and the subject was closed to me for.

Recently, however, I saw an argument that I did not think about before. As far as I understand, the pastor said, using I Corinthians 7:9, that Paul is saying marriage is the only legitimate way to satisfy all sexual desires. Thus, masturbation is a sin. The expression "burning with passion" encompasses all unsatisfied sexual desires. The word porneia, which was also a topic of attention on your website and many other studies, could also include masturbation. I find the last point unlikely since Jesus affirms in Matthew 19:9 that immorality (porneia) is the only lawful motive for divorce. This would mean by extension that a spouse could divorce another if one masturbated.

Following the principle established in Romans 14:23, I'm trying to not engage in this activity while I think this through. I'm also trying not to just justify myself in an "accommodation" that I already have.

What are your thoughts?

Answer:

"Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But this I say by way of concession, not of command. Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (I Corinthians 7:1-9).

Looking at the context of Paul's statement, is he discussing single people or couples? I would argue that he is discussing the relationship between a man and a woman.

He does suggest singleness in I Corinthians 7:6-7, but not as a command. Whether a person chooses to marry or not is a personal choice. God is not commanding one choice over another. Paul chose the single life (I Corinthians 9:5) and wished everyone could make that same choice when needed. A bit later, Paul states that his reason for the suggestion is his knowledge that severe persecution was on the horizon (I Corinthians 7:26). Paul sees being single as a less demanding and less complicated choice, but he knows it isn't for everyone. In I Corinthians 7:8, he suggests that those not yet married or no longer married remain single for a time. He states it is a good choice but not necessarily a better one.

However, Paul states that singleness isn't for everyone. Different people have different preferences, which leads them to make different choices. Some are well suited for married life, while others are better suited for single life. However, if a single life would lead a person to commit fornication because they are weak in this area of self-control, then they ought to marry. Any possible advantage to remaining single is greatly outweighed by sin.

In the Greek text, the last phrase is "for it is better to marry than to burn." Translators have added "with passion" to clarify what kind of burning Paul was discussing. The Greek word puroo means to set on fire or burn. Figuratively, it means to fan the flames of emotions, especially sexual desire. Again, the context is that the lack of self-control would lead a man and woman to commit a sexual sin fueled by their desire for sex.

Thus, all we have is one man's claim that fornication (porneia) and burning (puroo) include masturbation. Yet, the context is discussing couples. Masturbation is an act done alone unless you want to talk about mutual masturbation, which is actually a part of sex between two people. Every Greek dictionary and source that I know of defines porneia as acts of sex between two people (see: Notes on Sex). See also: Is masturbating a lack of self-control?

This preacher would need to prove his point with documentation beyond his simple assertion.

Is masturbating a lack of self-control?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 00:31:00 +0000

Question:

I found some of your insights on the subject of masturbation quite amazing. As an evangelical, we are taught to develop spiritual disciplines of which self-control is one. In fact, in Galatians 5:22 the apostle Paul highlights it as one of the fruits of the Spirit. To this effect, it is argued that, if one is separated from their spouse for a prolonged period of time, masturbation would be wrong as it would imply that one is not exercising self-control and as such not being fruitful (II Peter 1:5-8). As such it is advised that one endure the separation until he reunites with his wife, as masturbation would, in any case, amount to cheating on his wife and thus defiling the marriage bed (Hebrews 13:4).

Could you please address these difficult questions in doctrine and theology?

Answer:

Does one exercise self-control over his appetite by refusing to eat or by controlling the amount he eats? Does a person exercise self-control over his thirst by never drinking or by limiting what he drinks to things that are good for him and does not affect his sobriety? When it comes to physical desires, self-control is manifested in controlling when those desires are satisfied, so that sin does not occur.

One controls his appetite for food by eating regular amounts so that hunger does not cause him to lose control. A person controls his thirst by staying well-hydrated so that thirst doesn't drive him to quench it with alcohol.

It is no different with the desire for sex. In marriage, it is satisfied with regular sex between a husband and wife. "The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does" (I Corinthians 7:3-4). An absence of sex causes temptation, which might lead to a lack of self-control. "Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (I Corinthians 7:5). Thus, it should be argued that prolong separations are to be avoided, so that self-control can be maintained.

For males, the desire for sex is tied to their production of semen in the seminal vesicles. The glands producing semen have limited storage capacity and ejaculation is required when the limits are reached. As the glands fill, the desire for sex rises. The production of semen in a healthy male is continual, so to argue that a man ejaculating because he ran out of room to store semen and doesn't have access to his wife is somehow cheating on her is false because he will still be able to have sex when he reunites with her. The semen he ejaculates will be replaced.

The use of Hebrews 13:4 contains a false comparison. "Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). Sex within marriage is undefiled. Fornication (sex outside of marriage) and adultery (sex where at least one person is married, but not to the person he is having sex with) are a defilement of God's laws and the people involved in it. This verse isn't saying that fornication and adultery are defiling marriage. You could argue that adultery defiles a marriage, but in the case of fornication, there is no marriage to be defiled. This verse is more closely tied to the same idea Paul expressed, "Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body" (I Corinthians 6:18-20). There is nothing wrong with sex within marriage, but sex outside of marriage makes the people involved unholy. "As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior" (I Peter 1:14-15).

However, there is an assumption that somehow masturbation is either fornication or adultery, but it doesn't fall under either category. Both fornication and adultery are sexual acts involving other people, but masturbation is done alone. Both fornication and adultery clearly break God's law, but masturbation (by itself) is never listed as a sin; instead, it is listed as unclean (Leviticus 15:16-17), just as sex (Leviticus 15:18) and a woman's menstrual period (Leviticus 15:19-23) are categorized as unclean. Notice especially Leviticus 15:18 and realize that sex between a husband and wife is both unclean and undefiled. Sex within a marriage is not a sin, and neither is ejaculating or having a menstrual period. Sex can be used sinfully when it is done outside of marriage and, thus, break God's law. Masturbating can be used sinfully when the person is involved in pornography (I Thessalonians 4:3-5), lust (Matthew 5:28), or involved in mutual masturbation because these break God's law.

When a man ejaculates through a wet dream or by masturbation without lust, those ejaculations reduce his desire for sex and aid him in maintaining his self-control. It is the man who tries to deny himself all ejaculations who is in the greatest danger of losing self-control.

I know fornication is wrong, but I don’t want to see my boyfriend in hell

Jeffrey Hamilton — Thu, 02 Nov 2017 23:15:00 +0000

Question:

Hello,

I have a question that has really been weighing on my conscience and my heart. This may be very long and I apologize, but here it goes.

I have been dating my boyfriend for four years now. We are both currently in college. We most definitely have the intention of getting married. Unfortunately, we have had sex before marriage. At the time I didn't realize how grave of a sin it was until this year in my theology class, which is focused on the dynamics of Christian spirituality. I have been struggling with the realization that having sex before marriage is a mortal sin, and I and my boyfriend will go to hell for it.

I finally knew in my heart that I needed to stop this, so I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to have sex anymore. I was so afraid that he was going to hate me or leave me for this. We both truly love each other and although he was confused, he told me if I was passionate about this, then that is what we would have to do.

My boyfriend is also Catholic, but he is not actively practicing. He hasn't gone to church in a long time and doesn't pray from what I know of him. I don't think he has a strong relationship with God. He doesn't understand or believe in a lot of the church's teachings, and sex before marriage is one of those teachings he "doesn't believe in." I know that he "doesn't believe in it;" one, because he doesn't have full knowledge of it like I didn't at the time, and two, because he doesn't want to believe it.

Although we are actively stopping sex before marriage, I am afraid that without him truly understanding why, and only agreeing with me because he wants me to be happy, isn't enough for God to forgive him. I know we both must go to confession, but I am so afraid that he won't truly mean what he is confessing and be truly sorry and that he won't receive the grace he needs from God. I love him so much, and I care so much about what happens to him after this life. I want him to get to heaven as much as I want myself to get to heaven. I don't know how to convince him or make him understand what a mistake it truly is to have sex before marriage.

I can completely understand that it is hard for most people to think about anything beyond this life. It is hard for me to think about it too, but I know in my heart that this is the right thing to do, and I want him to know it too, even if it is hard to understand.

I also am afraid of him doing other things, like masturbating, which I also realize is a mortal sin. I have told him about this too, but I really don't think he understands, nor can I stop him from doing it.

Could you give me any advice on what to do to make him understand because I cannot see or fathom life after this without him in it? I want him so badly to go to heaven with me and it scares and hurts me every day worrying about him. It has truly turned my life upside down and is making me depressed. I also feel that, although he has agreed to abstain from sex, our relationship has changed and has been strained. It hurts me so deeply because I love him so much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't know how to get our relationship back to the way it once was.

I also have a second question related to this. I have so many friends, and even people who aren't my friends but are just acquaintances, that I know are having sex before marriage. I am not sure that they realize that this is a mortal sin and will send them to hell. These people are such good people with good hearts and good intentions in life. What will happen to them? How could all of these amazing people I know and I am friends with possibly all go to hell for this? At the end of our time when we are judged by God, how could He say to me or to anyone, you were a great person and you gave to others and were caring and loving and lived the way I wanted you to, but you had sex before marriage, so I am sorry, all of the other things that you did in life don't matter, I have to send you to hell? I just don't see how God could do this because we are His children and He loves us, even with our sins and mistakes and faults in life.

I also know that this is another separate question, but I have been thinking about it as well. I know that we should follow what the Bible says, but when the Bible was written, it was a different time period. People were getting married at 16 years old and could start a family right away. Age, life circumstances, and money weren't necessarily an issue. Now in this time period, people aren't getting married until they are 20-30. They have to wait longer because people are going to college and need to make money before they can commit to marriage, so they can support each other. Does this at all change the fact that sex before marriage is a mortal sin, considering people have to wait many many years compared to back when the Bible was written?

I know this was a very long series of questions, but I hope you can find some time to respond because it would really help me feel better and have some advice on how to help me and my boyfriend get back in God's good graces.

Thank you so much.

Answer:

Let me be clear about where I'll be approaching your questions from. I'm not a member of the Roman Catholic church. As a whole, I don't support their doctrines because, in many of them, they have left the simple truths of the Bible. All I teach is the Bible and not the philosophies of a denomination.

Yes, what you and your boyfriend did was sinful. Any sin that is not corrected will keep you out of heaven. "Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God" (Galatians 5:20-21). While the Roman Catholic Church divides sins into mortal and venial sins, that division is not found in the Bible. Rather, all sins, left unaddressed, will lead the sinner into hell. "But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death" (Revelation 21:8). It doesn't matter whether you think they are important sins or not.

The number of people committing sin doesn't change whether something is right or wrong. Before the great Flood, the whole world was caught up in sin. "Then the LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually" (Genesis 6:5). A world full of sinners did not make the sins right. Sadly, due to people being people, most aren't willing to follow God. "Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it" (Matthew 7:13-14). Sin is the "easy" path, so most people don't exert the effort necessary to follow the truth.

Nor does time alter morality. The Creator of the universe is the God of Truth (Psalms 31:5). God cannot lie, so the Bible He gave us is the truth. "You are near, O LORD, and all Your commandments are truth" (Psalms 119:151). God is eternal. He does not change, but then the truth doesn't change either. "And: "You, LORD, in the beginning laid the foundation of the earth, and the heavens are the work of Your hands. They will perish, but You remain; and they will all grow old like a garment; like a cloak You will fold them up, and they will be changed. But You are the same, and Your years will not fail" (Hebrews 1:10-12). Still, despite all the changes in the world, people remain basically the same. "Is there anything of which it may be said, "See, this is new"? It has already been in ancient times before us. There is no remembrance of former things, nor will there be any remembrance of things that are to come by those who will come after" (Ecclesiastes 1:10-11). Each generation thinks it is unique, but that is because we can't remember what our grandparents lived.

Currently, it is fashionable to delay marriage. In part, it is a result of contraceptives making it easier to have sex without as great a fear of causing pregnancy. Girls are more willing to have sex, and even if there is an "oops!" they believe they can solve the problem with an abortion or emergency contraception. The stigma of killing a child disappeared with society willingly accepting the lie that an unborn child is just a lump of tissue. Because guys and gals can have sex indiscriminately and it is actively pushed as normal behavior by movies and television, the pressure to get married is removed. People put it off further and further. Marriage is actually becoming increasingly rare. My point is that the choice to marry later in life or not at all isn't due to a shift in morality. It is due to people figuring out ways to avoid the consequences of sexual sins and then thinking that a lack of consequences means it is acceptable.

Truth is, however, that you could get married now if you so desired. Both you and your boyfriend are adults, well past the minimum age for marriage -- even without your parents' consent. The excuse that you have to wait until after college is done, is just that: an excuse. Plenty of married people are in college. Sure, you may have to get a bit more creative about your finances, and you might have to (gasp!) work while you finish your education, but it is doable. Again, people too often are lazy and try to find the path that requires the least effort on their part. Getting married means taking on responsibilities. It means earning your living. It means struggling to get along with another person. Thus, out of laziness people are missing out on the joys of having their own families and stable relationships.

I'm glad you want your boyfriend to get to heaven, but you have the right of the matter: you can't make him be a follower of God. Wearing the name "Christian" doesn't make a person a child of God. In truth, your boyfriend is merely putting on an act. He is completely caught up in the world but tells himself it doesn't matter. The old word for that is "hypocrite," which is from Greek, meaning an actor. You are correct, he doesn't understand God's laws because he doesn't want to. To understand would mean he would have to submit to God and make a lot of changes in his life. If this is the man you want by your side for the rest of your life, that is your decision, but don't fool yourself into thinking that you'll be able to "fix" him or that he will change just because he is your husband.

I assume the point about masturbation comes from him pushing for sex to relieve himself. Even if masturbation was a sin, to say you'll commit one sin to avoid another sin is foolishness. You would still be in sin and the consequences would remain the same. But the truth of the matter is that God doesn't state that masturbation is a sin. What often accompanies masturbation (pornography and lustful thoughts) is sinful, but Bible hints that the act of masturbation exists, but does not categorize it as sin. See: Is masturbation sinful or not? Thus, this is not a factor in regards to whether fornication is acceptable or not.

Now, in regards to your past sins, God makes a way for us to be saved from our sins that is not difficult, but like other matters, people like to make it sound hard. See: What Must I Do to be Saved? Even after a person becomes a true Christian, there is a solution to the problem of the occasional sin that creeps into our lives, but what the Bible teaches is probably not what you were taught in the Roman Catholic Church. See: Do we have to do penance?

I’ve been going through a lot and I’ve just had it with life

Jeffrey Hamilton — Sun, 22 Oct 2017 01:43:00 +0000

Question:

I need help. I've been going through a lot right now. But here is what is going on:

We couldn't afford to stay at my original house, so we had to move into a smaller house. Money is really tight right now. We're poor. I don't know if God is doing it to us.

I have recently been struggling with masturbation with porn, and I'm just tired of it. I feel like God is punishing me, but for what, I don't know.

I want to be an animator. I don't know how to take the next step in college because I can't afford it.

I just want to know why. Why couldn't I just have been born rich or smart? I'm struggling with a class in college and everybody around me is getting to greater places and have the attention and smarts. I'd have nothing but an expectation that will never be fulfilled. I just feel like I want to die every single day. I have just had it. I just want to go home and death will always be welcomed by me.

Answer:

I don't know if I can give you a satisfactory answer because when people get depressed, they often insist on seeing the negative and don't want to be talked out of it. But I'll try.

I'm really sorry that your family is struggling. Even if I knew all the details of what is happening, there aren't always answers as to why because we are not aware of all that goes on behind the scenes or where events lead. Since "why" can't always be answered and the past can't be changed, the better questions should revolve around how to deal with what is.

I'm not surprised that pornography is particularly tempting. People sometimes use masturbation as a stress relief because the after-effect of orgasm is a release of a hormone that causes the body to relax for a short while. Pornography becomes a distraction from present problems and makes masturbation last longer. However, it is also a lie. Pornography pollutes the mind and solves no problems. See: Lies Pornography Tells Men.

While it won't make life simpler, have you considered getting a low-paying job that would allow you to earn funds to pay for college? Each of my sons used some form of work to pay for their college education and graduated without debt. One used the military, another worked full-time for a department store while going to school full-time. One decided to use an apprenticeship, and the other worked full-time, went to school part-time, and after saving enough money went the last few years full-time. Scholarships and grant money also were used to ease the costs. In my own education, I entered a cooperative education program that allowed me to alternate semesters of school with semesters of work, so that I was able to earn enough to pay for my schooling.

One advantage of working while getting your education is that the work helps your work ethic and it shapes your ideas about what is really important. You may find that you can get into your desired field without a formal college degree. Or you might come to realize that there are other things that you enjoy doing just as much as animation.

Instead of being miserable about what you don't have, look at what you do have, appreciate those things, enjoy them, and use them to move toward your goals.