engagement – La Vista Church of Christ

There seem to be so many grey areas in a relationship

Jeffrey Hamilton — Wed, 03 Sep 2025 22:30:06 +0000

Question:

Hello there,

I’ve recently gotten engaged to my boyfriend after several years of dating and have some questions regarding how we should conduct ourselves during this period of our lives, in a realistic and godly way.

I’m aware that sex is not allowed, but all the other areas regarding a relationship seem to be a “grey area” to me, which makes me very confused. To me, I would take the grey areas as "it depends" because if the Bible doesn’t explicitly state something, how can I know exactly what to do? I also don’t really understand how a couple can stay together and be happy and in love when so many things are prohibited.

Another question I have is about the sleeping situation. My fiancé and I live 30 minutes away from each other and find it very important to spend most days together. We both live at our parents’ homes, but neither has a spare room. We are very confident that sleeping next to each other will not lead to anything further and have no doubts that it would or could lead to anymore more, but is this still allowed? Sleeping next to each other to me is no more than a comfort thing!

If not, how do we go about it, as any other option seems very unsustainable and not realistic to me?

I think for me, I get confused because some couples may find it really hard to stay away from temptations and therefore shouldn’t do certain things, but other couples may not be tempted, so therefore, what do they do?

I hope you can understand where I am coming from and help me, because I'm currently distraught and confused about my questions.

Many thanks.

Answer:

Your difficulty is not that God isn't clear about how you should behave. You call them "gray areas" only because you don't like the restrictions and refuse to see that they are for your good. "They shall be My people, and I will be their God; and I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me always, for their own good and for the good of their children after them" (Jeremiah 32:38-39).

The truth is that 30 minutes is not that far away from each other. It is not an inconvenience for each to sleep in his or her own bed. As you noted, you are pushing for this because of the personal pleasure or comfort that you get from being close to him.

Here are reasonable boundaries:

Do nothing that will cause the other person to be sexually aroused. "But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints" (Ephesians 5:3). Neither of you should assume that just because something doesn't bother you, that it could not bother the other person. You should not be in a rush. You want this relationship to grow at its own pace. "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the hinds of the field, that you do not arouse or awaken my love until she pleases" (Song of Solomon 2:7).
Do nothing that you would not do with your parents in the room. You need to maintain a sense of propriety. That is one of the things Israel lost. "Were they ashamed because of the abomination they have done? They were not even ashamed at all; they did not even know how to blush. Therefore they shall fall among those who fall; at the time that I punish them, they shall be cast down," says the LORD" (Jeremiah 6:15). Be protective of each other's honor. It is more than just not doing sexual things, but also not leaving the impression that sexual things are going on behind everyone's back. You don't want anyone getting the wrong impression about the person you are dating.
Do nothing that you would not want someone doing to your brother or sister. "Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity" (I Timothy 4:12). "Purity" is the opposite of uncleanness. It is the idea that you know you are set apart as dedicated to God, and you will not pollute what belongs to God. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5).
Go out of your way to reduce the temptations faced by the other person. Love "does not behave rudely, ... does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth" (I Corinthians 13:5-6). So, don't spend time alone with each other where someone else might not be able to see you. Don't be provocative. "Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others" (Philippians 2:4).

You are making two basic mistakes. You think that if you don't find a situation sexually arousing, then your boyfriend feels the same way. You also think that because nothing bad has happened so far, it will continue not to be bad. See "How can I show my brother that it is wrong to sleep with a woman even though you aren't having sex?" Any honest person knows that if you put a boy and a girl alone in a bed, sex will eventually happen. It is what the natural instinct of the body craves.

Solomon points out the problem when he asked, "Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?" (Proverbs 6:27). You can show a hot coal all the affection you want. You can cuddle it and dote on it, and it will still burn you. Your kindness to it doesn't change its nature. How often do you hear someone say, "But I love her!" Solomon's point is that your feelings toward a girl won't change the fact that both of you have built-in desires and capabilities for sex. Trigger them, and they follow the instincts built into you.

Solomon also asked, "Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared?" (Proverbs 6:28). Using the same example of hot coal, if you walk on it, it will burn you. You can apologize and say you didn't mean to step on it, but you'll still be hurt because your intentions don't change what it is. Thus, the excuse, "But I didn't mean for it to go this far!" becomes an empty one because your intentions don't change your body's drive.

That is why Solomon concludes, "So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent" (Proverbs 6:29). Though he is talking directly about adultery, the same point is valid for fornication. When you start intentionally stirring up sexual feelings, you are never innocent when things go further than you wanted.

You need to understand that there are more sexual sins than fornication. See "The Root Cause of Sexual Sins" and "What are all the types of sexual sins?"

"I want" doesn't make something right.

How do I handle being engaged to a member of a denomination?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Fri, 18 Jul 2025 20:12:21 +0000

Question:

Hello,

I need your advice on my personal life. I am a born-again, baptized Christian. But I backslid for about two years. In those years, I got engaged to an unbeliever. Now I'm trying to return to Christ, and I'm not sure what to do.

She is from an Orthodox background. She is willing to read the Bible with me, attend church, etc., but she is not born again.

Any advice?

Thanks a lot in advance.

Answer:

There isn't an absolute answer to your question. There are several things to consider.

Being married to someone who is not fully following Christ is not wrong. However, it can lead to difficulties, and these things need to be discussed. Your behavior and faithfulness to Christ will be a strong deciding factor. "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior" (I Peter 3:1-2). Peter is speaking to wives, but the principles could also be applied to men. Your spouse will see you at your best and your worst. Will she see a struggling Christian who is trying to do his best, or will she see a hypocrite?

A more difficult question to assess is whether she attends with you now just to impress you, or whether she is interested in the true teachings of Christ. Is she the type to tell you what you want to hear, or does she admit when she sees things differently? Is she willing to discuss your differing religious views? In other words, is she content that you hold a stricter view of what Christianity is all about? "But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away" (I Corinthians 7:12-13). Does she try to move you away from attending services? Does she push you to do things that are against your beliefs, such as fornication (I Corinthians 15:33)? In other words, will she be a helper or a hindrance in your religious life?

Another question to discuss is how your children will be raised. Will she insist that they be baptized and attend her church? Parents who contradict each other regarding religious teachings are more likely to raise atheists than followers of either of their religions.

Ideally, as she sees your commitment to Christ, she will be motivated to join you. However, that might take a while, and often, it never happens. Are you prepared and willing to deal with the hardships that will arise from not seeing the world the same way?

Question:

Hello Mr. Hamilton,

Thank you for your response. The thing is, she is Orthodox but also believes in reincarnation. And we are involved in quite a lot of premarital sex until I tried to come back to Christ. I'm not sure if she can be considered a Christian. She enjoys reading the Bible with me and attending church. She says that gives her 'good vibes'. But I don't know if her interest extends beyond that.

If I had not put a ring on that finger, I would probably have broken up and returned to Christ. However, having put a ring on that finger, I am unsure whether I should, which is why I emailed you.

Answer:

Thus, you need to have the hard conversations about whether your marriage could actually work. Share your concerns with her, including the fact that she holds beliefs that differ from those taught in the Bible.

Given what you've said, I would not marry her unless she, of her own free will, chose to become a Christian. If you don't think that will happen, then you need to consider the questions I mentioned in my first response and decide what will best help you and your future children reach heaven.

An engagement is not a marriage. It is a commitment to get married, but the idea of an engagement is that it can be ended if the couple concludes that it won't work. This is why Joseph considered ending his engagement to Mary when he discovered she was pregnant (Matthew 1:19). Under normal circumstances, he would have been well within his rights. If you decide that a marriage to this woman would not be beneficial to your faith, then it isn't wrong to end the engagement. Just understand that this will also have its challenges.

Response:

Alright. Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions, Mr. Hamilton.

I need to pray about this. It seems like it's best to end it. But I am not going to take that decision lightly.

Question:

Hello Mr. Hamilton,

I have ended it. I feel guilty for breaking her heart and wasting two years of her time. I started the relationship with her when I was backslidden. I'm not sure what to do now. What should I do to follow Christ again fully?

Any advice is appreciated.

Answer:

I don't know much about your background, but true faith begins with a thorough understanding of what you believe in. "So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ" (Romans 10:17). Faith isn't real until it is put fully into practice. "For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead" (James 2:26).

How do I talk to my fiance about my sin?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Thu, 23 Nov 2023 16:59:04 +0000

Question:

Good day, pastor,

I hope you are doing well.

My fiancee and I have been engaged for almost three years now. There was a time when I was going on many business trips. During that period I met a lady and I developed feelings for her but I didn't tell her about them. She asked me whether I was engaged or not and told me how she liked me. I told her that I was sorry that couldn't be possible because I was engaged. I told her we could only be friends.

Later after a month, I fell into fornication with her. I felt miserable that day but I kept on falling for several weeks. Eventually, I went back to my original city. I felt so bad because I realized that I dishonored God and didn't keep my engagement with my fiancee. I repented and stopped talking to that lady. Even when I go to her city on a business trip, I avoid her as best as I can.

My question is how do I talk to my fiancee about my failure and ask her to forgive me? I know that I have really messed up and spoiled everything. I just want to get advice from you. This issue has been disturbing my peace for months because I don't know whether she will forgive me, and I don't want to lose her. At the same time, I can't hide this from her because if I hide it, the devil might one day use this issue against me. But if I tell her, I might end up losing her. The truth is that I am the one to blame because in both cases I'm wrong. So please advise me on what I should do.

Faithfully yours

Answer:

While I know you want to avoid the consequences of your sin, some things just have to be faced. Your fiancee believes she is marrying a virgin man who has been faithful to her. That is no longer true. She has to decide whether she will marry a man who gave into sexual temptation or not. I understand that you do not want to lose her, but that should have been on your mind before you dropped your pants. You made a choice back then. I am so glad that you repented of that sin. However, it is now time for your fiancee to make her choice.

There is no good way to approach this subject. You'll just have to find a quiet time when you can talk to her privately. She is going to be upset. She doesn't need to be embarrassed and upset in front of others. Stick to the facts, don't offer excuses, and let her know how horrible you feel and how you've changed.

If she decides that she will not marry a man she cannot trust, then you'll have to accept that this was the consequence of your sin. If she decides that you have repented and that you'll be faithful in marriage, then you can thank the Lord that you found a good woman.

Response:

Thank you so much for your advice.

Since that day, I just feel sorry about what I did, but as you mentioned I have to face the consequences of my sin.

Thank you, pastor. May God bless you abundantly.

Is it fair that I leave her heartbroken?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 21:46:25 +0000

Question:

Praise the Lord to you all. I am writing this to you to find the answer for my situation that is according to the Bible and just, correct, right, and holy in the eyes of our God.

I was born into a very respectful Christian family. My grandparents and my parents are all devoted to Lord Jesus Christ and they are all pastors so I am a pastor’s son. Everything was going well until I fell in love with a Hindu girl when I was 21 years old. She’s my school friend. For three years I was in a relationship with her. I said I wanted to break up with her because of the things I observed in her lifestyle and culture. To be honest, when I first fell in love with her, I was an infant in spiritual knowledge and entered into a relationship with an unbeliever. Year after year I grew spiritually and I decided to accept our Lord Jesus Christ as my Saviour. I was baptized last year. But before then, we were committing fornication. We had sex many times even though I knew it was a sin. I made her my idol and forgot God. But at the back of my mind, I was reprimanded by my soul that I should not be a slave to my lust. However, it all happened and we decided to marry by requesting and begging our parents. My family is very devoted to the Lord Jesus and her parents are extremist Hindus. She and I were ready to be disowned by our families. Our parents didn't know anything about us being in a relationship until that point.

I knew she drank alcohol occasionally at parties, even her parents are occasional drinkers. It's a normal thing in their household. She goes to pubs. She even took me there to show me the “real” fun and enjoyment of life as I don’t like going to clubs or drinking. She shares everything with me. She mentioned she and her brother drank when she was in college. Then later when she went on a trip with her friends she shared a snap of her and her friends drinking vodka. I was not able to take the things she did which were against my God, so I asked her to break up with me. She cried, begged, and had her friends pled with me. I agreed to stay with her if she promised she would never drink again.

Less than a year later, she visited her aunt and her aunt offered her beer. She messaged me saying she broke the promise because of the pressure her aunt placed on her. I again asked her to break up. But she begged me that it was due to force, and she was not addicted nor wanted to drink it purposefully. I admit that I was very attached to her so I forgave her and wanted to stay with her with the promise again, even though she broke it once. On my first visit to the pub with her, she pulled me to the dance floor and started dancing. I am not happy about her dancing and living according to the world. I told her that my principles do not align with her worldly outlook and I asked her to change her mind. I told her this was against God. I told her I planned be a pastor in my church after my father and she and I were to build the church and raise my kids in God’s presence. She listened and respected my opinion. However, at every celebration she attends, she wants it to be in a brewery, pub, or nightclub because that’s where all of her friends host parties. She doesn’t want to be called an old-fashioned girl -- of course, she likes going there.

Last summer, at another party in a pub, her friends asked if she wanted to have shots. She gestured to them that I wouldn’t allow her to drink. I noticed this and said to her “I don’t want to force you or control you to follow my principles. I rather that willingly say no instead of pointing at me and getting my permission. We should be “equally yoked” in food, drinks, attire, thoughts, knowledge, and worship. This is the change in attitude I’m looking in you”. I don’t know how she took it or if she didn’t get my point but in the end, she ordered a whiskey along with her friends and sipped it while sitting next to me. I couldn’t take it. I never saw her drinking next to me (only in videos/snaps), but this time all her beauty looked ugly and her breath smelled of alcohol. It killed me inside and I couldn’t even talk to her or see her or embrace her after she took a sip. I knew we were unequally yoked and that I had chosen the wrong companion.

I dreamed of a holy life with her after marriage, praying together, worshiping together, studying the Bible together, discussing theological questions day and night, raising kids, and teaching them God’s Word. Everything was destroyed in a second. I lost trust in her and realized she was of this world and could not be a good mother role model from a Christian family perspective. I told her that I was breaking up with her. I blocked her from all the social media platforms. This time she went crazy and slit her wrist. She swallowed random pills she found in her house and threatened me that she would commit suicide if I didn’t stay with her. I was scared so I begged her not to harm herself. I told her that God would send a good partner who understands her and is more compatible with her than me. She said she couldn’t forget me. I showed her true love and she’s unable to move on. Somehow I managed to keep her calm for three months. She stopped calling me and texting me. But later she cried a lot and said she was depressed because of the breakup. I tried to console her and told her that we were not meant for each other.

A few months ago, in order to make her hate me and be rid of her, I told her that I had a Christian girlfriend now, that we slept together, and that I would marry only her. It was a lie. I'm single and I want to obey only God’s will in my marriage. This triggered her and backfired on me. Instead of hating me, she said ”I thought you’re religious and faithful to God. A true devotee will stay single and control his lust rather than sleep with another girl. Did your God ask you to break up with me? Did your God ask you to look for another girl? Did he ask you to sleep with her?” Last week she called me and burst out in tears and said I ruined her life, I slept with her, and was now cheating on her. I stayed with my lie that I had a new Christian girlfriend and built on that lie, saying I could not leave the new girl now. She asked me to break up with her. She wouldn’t mind me sleeping with an imaginary Christian girlfriend. She wants me back and says she will convert to Christianity. This is the situation I am in now.

If I look back, all I can say is, when I was spiritually immature, I gave in to my youthful lusts and promised her marriage. But when I learned more about her and her perspective on alcohol, celebrations, and parties, I realized I made a mistake. I stayed with her with mixed emotions. But after falling too hard on my face, my eyes were opened and I started to think about my church, my father’s and grandparents’ church, their gospel services, their Bible classes, and me being part of the church and missionary. I want my future mother-in-law and father-in-law to also be faithful servants to God and we all together should be a strong part of our Father's kingdom.

I also want to add that I was diagnosed last year with a problem that could potentially make me infertile. She supported me mentally and said she was fine with me even if I wasn't able to give her children. She said we could adopt children as the doctor said I have to marry in 1-2 years to have a chance for children. Otherwise, I have to undergo surgery that has a very low success rate and can make me fully impotent if it is unsuccessful. So she and I decided not to undergo the surgery. This made me love her so much. This all happened while I was in a relationship with her, while my heart did not like her involvement in worldly things and living according to the world. I want her to love my Lord Jesus more than me.

All this has happened in my life without my parent's knowledge. I live far from my parents, and I dealt with all this alone with her support.

But I could not love her after opening my eyes and decided to break up. After the breakup, I decided to change my life and was baptized. My Lord forgave my sins. I am not guilty anymore of what I did. I am feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit in me: the way I respond to her, the way I look at a woman, and the way I think about my life goals. I want to preach the Gospel all over the world. That’s my only aim, goal, and dream in life now. But my old sinful life is not leaving me. My old sinful bondings are not breaking up with me. I realized I made a mistake and now I changed, genuinely changed, and I am more spiritual than ever before in my life. I can control my lust and I’m studying the Bible every day. I am keeping myself busy with academics. My church, family, and I are happy. But the girl whom I once loved, whom I once invited to my place to have unlawful sex, with whom I gave a share in my lustful sin, with whom I had a strong emotional bonding, is not happy and doesn’t want to leave me and is ready to convert her religion. I don’t want to do missionary dating. I know only God can change her, not me. I told her that I want a girl who is truly born again in Lord Christ (not a person who is a Christian in name only) and not someone to whom I have to give permission or give instructions in every spiritual thing. I want to build the kingdom of God and be a fisherman of men. I don't want to satisfy my lust, earn money, and obey the lust of the world. She said she would be under my feet - like a slave and she would only do something if I said yes. I tried to convince her with the verses in the Bible about being unequally yoked, the problems of worshipping God with an unbelieving wife, serving God, my purpose of life God has assigned to me, the dream I have to preach the Gospel, and that she won’t be happy if she stayed with me. Still, she wants to be with me and wants to marry me. She even said if marriage is a concern for my family and church, she asked me to stay single and she will remain single and be my partner for life (no lust, no kissing - only to spend time with her and talk to her) is what she asked of me. But I am not sure if I can stay celibate for my whole life. I would love to have a family. But if God has called me to be celibate, I’m ready to obey. I personally would like to get married, have kids, raise them as the warriors of Christ, and die with the Bible in my hand. This is all I want. Still, I want to obey God’s will and plan; whatever that is.

On top of all that, her parents are looking for wedding matches for her while she's asking me to marry her. I refused, but after sleeping with her and opening my spiritually blinded eyes, is it fair to leave her heartbroken? Should I marry her? Should I stay distant from her and block her? I am more concerned about my church and the example I set for the young adults in my church if I bring an unbeliever in as the pastor’s wife. Please help me! Even the wisest Solomon drifted away because of his unbelieving wives. My salvation is my first priority over my wants and needs.

Please help me.

Thank you so much for reading this.

Answer:

In many ways, your view of the Scriptures and my own views are quite different. I can see it in your references to "my church," seeing pastors as owners of churches, mixing the duties of a preacher and a pastor, etc. The church only belongs to Jesus (Matthew 16:18). Those who lead a congregation are merely stewards in the Master's house (I Corinthians 4:1-2). Preachers and Pastors have different duties with different qualifications. See Pastors and Preachers.

However, let's cut through all the details. You sinned by committing fornication and you further sinned by lying to her to get her to leave you. I find it fascinating that while you could not stand the sin of drunkenness, you excused your own sins. I'm glad you decided to be a Christian, though you have a long journey in learning what a true Christian is like. Meanwhile, you find your emotions are in conflict with what you know are your duties to the Lord.

Your ex-girlfriend is not a Christian. She doesn't hold to the same moral code that you do. There is no indication that she thinks she needs to change. She is willing to do whatever you tell her simply as a way to get you to marry her. Once that is accomplished, I doubt she will stick to those principles because they are not her own.

You had sex with her because you didn't care at the time. You have since changed while she remained the same. You are correct, she would not make you a good wife regardless of what occupation you decide to pursue. A marriage to her would pull you away from Christ as she finds ways to corner you into making compromises.

Ultimately, the choice is yours to make. It will affect the rest of your life. You have to decide what is best. She can't make the decision for you. I can't make the decision either. God won't force you to follow Him. It is time for you to be a man and take responsibility for your life and your choices.

Your past doesn't change what is morally correct. Your emotions don't impact morality. You have to examine what exists now and make a decision on whom you will serve. I pray that you decide to serve the Lord, not your parent's denomination but the Lord Himself.

How do I deal with my rising sexual tension before marriage?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Tue, 08 Aug 2023 22:22:23 +0000

Question:

Hello Jeffrey,

First of all, thank you for all the work and efforts you have put into the site, Growing Up in the Lord for Boys. Even though I'm in my mid to late 20s, I really appreciate the answers that you give, and how you give your answers a God-focused perspective, while also dealing with the frank realities of being male.

As of this writing, I am just a few months away from being married to my fiancée and best friend. We have been engaged for just under a year and have been together for over two years. We will both be virgins on our wedding night. We have both been stubborn about keeping ourselves pure before marriage. This led to us not even kissing until I proposed to her. Even now, when we do kiss, we keep it under a few seconds and never longer. When we do sit close together on the couch, we are mindful of where we place our hands. We keep it limited to hugs and hand-holding. Sometimes I do place my hand on her thigh, but I never let my hand get anywhere beyond that.

It was recommended to us that we read the book "The Art of Marriage". Reading this book has been instructive when thinking about the emotional and physical aspects of the sexual relationship in marriage. However, after reading some of the book separately, we realized that we were limited in what we could talk about together regarding the book before marriage. This is because so much of the sexual aspect of marriage you learn by doing.

I've confided to my fiancée that while the book has been instructive, it is rather frank in talking about sex, and I have struggled with keeping my thoughts under control. I have been sporadic in reading it in order to keep myself from fantasizing about what sex will be like with my fiancée once we are married. There is a chapter in the book that has recommendations and guides on the wedding night and that first sexual encounter, how to bring a woman to orgasm, what her clitoris is, how to stimulate it, etc. It also includes the pros and cons of a few sexual positions, plus a lot of other information as well. When it comes to ejaculating, I'm one of those guys who can't remember the last time I had a wet dream. I think I started masturbating and bringing myself to ejaculation before I ever had enough of a buildup to even have a wet dream.

I will say, there have been a couple of nights recently where she has been at my house (her mother is always at the house with us, so we are never alone) and we were both feeling passionate and attracted to each other, but we didn't act on anything. Like I said, we keep it limited to just a few seconds-long kisses and hugs, and sitting close together on the couch. We also are very honest with each other and tell each other if something becomes "too much" for the other.

Between reading about what sexual life will be like once I'm married, plus being really attracted to my fiancée, I find myself thinking about sex a lot, which increases my sexual arousal and gets my "engine" going. There have been a couple of times where I do masturbate and ejaculate after she has left and gone home. What do you think about this? When I do masturbate I try not to think about her specifically, because even though she is my fiancé, we are still not married yet, and it would be wrong to be using her specifically in any fantasies. I am mindful of verses, like Song of Solomon 2:7, that talk about not stirring up or awakening love until it pleases. I fight against fantasizing about what sex will be like with my fiancée, and I do try to keep it to just thinking about what sex would be like once I'm married. I try to keep it as generalized as possible.

Do you think it is okay in my situation while engaged and just a few months shy of being married, to use masturbation a few times a week as a way to ejaculate and take the edge off of my heightened sexual arousal before being married? Do you have any advice on how to manage my "thought life", specifically while engaged to be married?

I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Answer:

I suspect the book you are reading is The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye. It is a decent book, one that my wife and I read before our marriage, but I have found some of the recommendations to be inaccurate. I found Love Life by Ed Wheat to be better.

When I do marriage preparation classes, one of the topics I cover is that sexual temptations rise before a wedding. Not only is there the approaching excitement of having sex for the first time that raises your arousal levels but there are temptations, such as "If we jump the gun, no one will know if we have sex just before the wedding." Of course, God knows but you and your fiance also know. Giving into those sorts of temptations will plant seeds of doubt that may start growing later in a marriage. You have the right idea that you have to stick to your commitment to not let anything even start you down the path of sin.

One of the traps to avoid is thinking that you need to perform intercourse perfectly. You and your future wife are totally inexperienced so that is an unrealistic expectation. Aim to have fun and enjoy time moment (and the mistakes). Learning about what is expected in sex is good to avoid causing unnecessary hardships or pain. I'm finding it necessary to discuss these matters because too many guys have seen pornography and think sex is supposed to be like porn -- it isn't. The fornication shown in pornography is about selfish behavior. The act of intercourse in a marriage is a giving behavior.

However, thinking about what is coming up does stir sexual passions. Such are hard to avoid. As you noted, Song of Solomon brings up the problems of daydreaming about sex (Song 2:5-7), dealing with sexual desire (Song 2:16-17), and even dreams of sex (Song 3:1-5). The struggle to maintain pure thoughts is real and an important battle to fight. By the way, it isn't really the books that are causing the issue. Even without the books, the struggle would remain because of the knowledge that your opportunity to have sex with your wife is coming closer.

For males, ejaculating does keep the physical parts of sexual desire under control. There is no reason to stop what works for you prior to your wedding night. As you are noticing, it will not interfere with your ability to have sex on your wedding night since your body regenerates semen rapidly when you are aroused.

In regards to thoughts, all I can suggest is that you avoid thinking about sexual acts when you are relieving yourself. Of course, your thoughts will be gravitating toward your intended -- that is natural. However, you don't want to create expectations that are not likely to be met when you actually do have sex. When a guy is highly wound up sexually, he can ejaculate without thinking about anything in particular.

Is my fiance’s behavior a red flag?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Sat, 08 Jul 2023 19:44:40 +0000

Question:

Hello,

I have a question. I found out my “fiancé” was texting another woman behind my back, in secret. He claims they are only friends and have been talking for two months. He says they haven’t seen each other the two times she visited his workplace for help, which is where he met her.

When I found out, he immediately told her that they couldn’t talk anymore and then blocked her. She called him right after that, but he ended the call within a minute and told her they couldn’t talk anymore.

I’m not sure if he is being honest about who she is to him because the message was on “disappearing text mode” which means it automatically deletes in 24 hours and you can’t get any of the messages back. He says she put that setting on the texts because she has an abusive husband who sometimes snatches her phone. He claims that they were just friends and would text. They also spoke on the phone.

I ended up breaking up with him because I see this as cheating or being unfaithful, and I can’t trust him any longer. I told him this situation would be better if he had told me about her and had the conversation there without it being hidden.

He is begging me to not leave and says this mistake will never happen again. Also, the woman he was talking to is 20 years older than him, a pastor who is married, and has a church. The messages that I saw were “Are you still sleeping?”, “Where are you?”, and “Are you on a date with the other one?” He says that was an inside joke or she was being funny. I told him that was disrespectful.

Anyhow, my questions are:

How do I forgive him for this?
How do I not hold onto feelings of bitterness? Part of me wants to contact the husband and church, but I know that it isn’t the best thing to do as the issue should be with my ex-fiancé.
Would you say this is a huge red flag, and he probably won’t change? (In the past, he has hidden things from me. During his undergrad, he had a social media account that I did not know of.

I’m almost certain that I won’t be able to marry him due to feelings of betrayal, but a part of me wants to forgive and try again, which is why I am asking these questions.

Thank you!

Answer:

Yes, his behavior is a strong sign that he is involved with another woman. It may not be absolute proof, but it is something that should not be ignored. The messages are inappropriate at best and since they are coming from a married woman, he should have broken off all connection with her at the start. His attempts to pass the messages off as jokes say he is naive or he is hiding bad behavior. I'm also puzzled how the woman called him after he blocked her.

Forgiveness comes when a person shows that he has changed. "Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him" (Luke 17:3). Since he claims to have changed, you must not hold this against him, but since there is a pattern of misbehavior, you should stick with ending the relationship. Wish him the best and pray that he finds a good woman to marry, but let him know that it won't be you.

One point I would like you to consider: If you have to constantly check on a person by reading his emails, texts, and chats, then it already indicates that you don't trust the man. That is not the basis of a good marital relationship.

Response:

Thank you for your reply. I truly appreciate it.

About the blocking thing: they would communicate by text. He texted her that he could no longer speak to her anymore and blocked her on the text app. She then called him on a regular phone call after that.

Thanks again for the response!

Should I marry my fiance, who is not a practicing Christian?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Fri, 06 Jan 2023 20:54:05 +0000

Question:

Should I marry my fiancé?

My fiancé and I have been dating for 7 years. I was 17 when I met him and living a worldly life (partying, drinking, smoking, cursing)

I entered my relationship with my current fiancé because he answered this question: “Are you Christian?” and his answer was "yes." He grew up going to church and studying the Bible. I thought this was enough and the best answer at that time.

Recently, I started going to church after three years of not attending. I reconciled with God and accepted Christ into my life. I then told my boyfriend that I couldn’t continue in this relationship if we continued to have sex outside of marriage. I told him that I am taking my relationship with Christ very seriously. I started living like I was a Christian.

Two months after that conversation, he proposed and I said yes. Now I am afraid of marrying him because I am afraid of not being aligned and making a mistake. He’s a good guy, but he doesn’t worship God, go to church, or practice a Christian life. He says that you don’t have to go to church to have a relationship with God, but states he is willing to go with me on Sundays. Will God bless my marriage if I marry him?

My overall question is: Should I marry my fiancé and if I should not, should I state the reason why?

Answer:

Your last question left me puzzled. Why would a Christian avoid stating that following Christ fully is important and that she wants a man who is committed to Christ and not playing the part?

"Therefore everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven. Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man's enemies will be the members of his own household. He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me" (Matthew 10:32-38).

You've grown a lot over the last few years and your fiance has not. Therefore, the question you have to ask yourself is: How important to you is having a dedicated Christian as your husband? There are Christians who are married to non-Christians. Some remain faithful but have a difficult life. Others fall back into the world because of the stresses that result. Your fiance is not opposed to the Christian life, but he doesn't live it. If you are willing to work at being a Christian without your husband's support, you might make it work. There is always the possibility that you'll lead your husband to Christ. "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior" (I Peter 3:1-2). But keep in mind that you will be choosing a harder life.

You also have to realize that your husband won't be much help in raising religiously minded children. It is likely that your children may not grow up to be strong Christians as they imitate your husband's lax attitude.

Ultimately, I can't make the decision for you. That is one you have to make on your own. I can only point out the difficulties that I know exist. God never said He would hold it against a Christian for marrying someone who is disobedient to Christ. Any trouble in the future will not come from Him but from the people you have in your life.

It sounds to me that you need to have a heart-to-heart talk about your concerns -- both the present ones and the ones you foresee impacting your marriage in the future.

My fiance’s family will never love me

Jeffrey Hamilton — Wed, 22 Jun 2022 20:03:38 +0000

Question:

Dear sir,

Please, I need your advice. I was dating this young guy, who I thought we would spend much time together for the rest of our lives. Instead, little did I know that he was just playing with me, after some time the communication just started breaking down. It came from nowhere. I was always the one calling and texting, but I couldn't get enough replies. I became tired and I gave up. He had started using very abusive language against me even when I hadn't done anything wrong.

After some time, I decided to talk to his brother about it, who advised me, and we fell in love. I am engaged now, but the problem is his family is against the marriage because of my past with his elder brother. They are talking bad about me. We are planning to marry next year, but they are all quiet and have folded their hands like they don't want to help. Genuinely, he is the first person I knew and spent a lot of time with before meeting his elder brother who lied to me. I am scared his family is big and will never love me.

Please help me. Should I cut all this off or I hang in? I am tired of fighting for his love. Please advise me.

Answer:

I must assume that you were sexually involved with the older brother and now with the younger brother. Such would explain the family's attitude toward you since that violates cultural expectations in your region. If you have been involved in fornication, I hope that you have changed and are following God's teachings.

You can choose who you marry, so long as both you and the man you wish to marry have the right to marry. I will assume that both you and the younger brother have not been married before. There is nothing in God's law that forbids a woman from dating two brothers and deciding to marry one of them.

However, in this case, your choice will mean that you will not have a good relationship with your husband's family. If you and he are willing to live as outcasts from the family, then you must accept those terms. Don't enter this marriage thinking the relationship will change in the future. It might, but you cannot count on it. Thus, you have to decide that if things remain as they currently are, would you be willing to accept it?

I decided to change my wardrobe

Jeffrey Hamilton — Mon, 27 Dec 2021 23:02:40 +0000

Question:

Hello,

I'm really grateful for the advice you gave to a lady battling with guilt and issues about whether to break up with her fiancé. I had the same thoughts today, even though we have been trusting God for our wedding next year. I felt the standards I had at first have diminished and from the look of things, I might be the cause of arousing him sexually; yet, to some point, I didn't have the same feeling. I've decided to change my wardrobe because I have felt I've been careless about my dress.

More thanks.

Answer:

I don't know precisely which answer you had been looking at, but I am glad that it caused you to think about your behavior and make improvements in your life.

I caught my fiance lying and now I can’t trust him

Jeffrey Hamilton — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 02:40:00 +0000

Question:

Hi and good day,

My fiancé and I have both been Christians for some years now; however, I strongly believe that he has a problem with lying. He lies and makes others look bad, and he looks like the victim. Accidentally, I found out the truth about a matter, and only when I confronted him was I told the truth.

How do I deal with this? Should I trust him again? Because I don't. I don't want to break off the engagement, but how do I move forward? I forgive him; yet, I can't forget, and I question everything. Is that OK? I am afraid to enter into a marriage with a person who lies and does not care about whose character he tarnishes to get his way or make himself look good. Please lend me some words of advice.

Answer:

Your boyfriend pretends to be a Christian, which is not the same as being a Christian. "But for the cowardly and unbelieving and abominable and murderers and immoral persons and sorcerers and idolaters and all liars, their part will be in the lake that burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death" (Revelation 21:8). People tend to think lying is not nearly as significant of sin as, say, murder; yet, God lists them as equivalent because all sins carry a death penalty (Romans 6:23). None of us are perfect, but what separates the wicked from the righteous is a willingness to turn away from sin. The righteous cannot abide to remain in sin. "By this the children of God and the children of the devil are obvious: anyone who does not practice righteousness is not of God" (I John 3:10).

It appears to me that you don't think your boyfriend has changed. I'm glad you are willing to forgive him for whatever he did against you, but without a change, you are rushing things. Notice that your "forgiveness" is basically just words. You can't put it behind you, and you are fearful that he will repeat this sin. "Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him" (Luke 17:3). When repentance is seen, then putting a fault behind you and moving on is much easier.

If you can't trust him, hanging on to your engagement is not doing you or him any good. Love "does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (I Corinthians 13:6-7). Too often we hang onto things because of our past investment instead of looking at the future potential. If you are not going to be able to trust him, making his life miserable, by always doubting and questioning him, won't make your life better.