attraction – La Vista Church of Christ

Why would God let me be born with same-sex attraction?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Tue, 22 Aug 2023 22:43:44 +0000

Question:

Why would God let me be born with same-sex attraction?

Answer:

Before answering your question, we need to come to an understanding regarding terms. Proponents of various sins like to play word games in order to disguise their intentions. "Remind them of these things, and solemnly charge them in the presence of God not to wrangle about words, which is useless and leads to the ruin of the hearers. Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth. But avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness, and their talk will spread like gangrene" (II Timothy 2:14-16).

One of the games being played is to claim that finding someone of the same gender to be attractive means you are a homosexual. The result is numerous young people who are confused about their sexuality because, in the early days of adolescence, everything and anything triggers sexual arousal because the body is interested in sex and not necessarily how or with whom that sex takes place.

God presents a different view of sin. "But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death" (James 1:14-15). What we have is a progression of ideas.

Desires: Everyone has natural desires that are a part of being in the physical world. By themselves desires are neither right nor wrong; instead, those desires can be used for righteous or unrighteous purposes.
Temptation: Satan uses those natural desires to make what is sinful look appealing. It appears that to get what the body desires, you have to go against one of the laws of God.
Lust: ("when desire has conceived") When a person considers the temptation and starts justifying breaking God's law, then he moves into lust. Lust is a really strong desire, usually for something that is unlawful. It isn't the strength of the desire that makes it wrong, it is the mental gymnastics a person conducts to decide that, at least in some cases, it is all right to do something wrong.
Sin: This is the actual act that is wrong -- the actual breaking of a law of God.
Licentiousness: ("when it is full-grown") Sin rarely is done just once, a person does it repeatedly and each repetition makes it easier to do it again. Eventually, the person shifts from feeling guilty for sinning to having an attitude that he has a right to sin. That is what "licentiousness" means: someone who thinks they have a license to sin. It is sometimes also translated as "lewdness" or "sensuality" because these people act more like animals than human beings, their instinct or senses control their decisions.
Death: When a person no longer cares what anyone thinks about their actions, then they die spiritually.

As an example, hunger is a desire -- it is neither right nor wrong. Temptation is when you are in the convenience store and see a candy bar, but realize you don't have enough money to pay for it. Lust is when you tell yourself that the store can afford to lose some items and that they are expecting some loss, or tell yourself that you could pocket it now and pay for it later and you accept that these are adequate justification to steal. Sin is when you walk out with the candy bar without paying for it. Licentiousness is when you think it is fun to take things off the shelf, even though you have adequate money to pay for it. And from there, it is a short step to spiritual death.

Justifying sin is itself a type of sin. "Who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them" (Romans 1:32). Jesus pointed out that it isn't just the act of adultery that is sinful. "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). Adultery and lust are not the same sins, but they are both equally wrong. From God's view, there is little difference between doing a sin and justifying it in your head.

The act of having sex with someone of the same gender is a sin. "For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due" (Romans 1:26-27). It doesn't matter if he is the one doing the act or the one willing to allow the act to be done to him, both are wrong. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). Paul used two different words for homosexuality in I Corinthians 6:9. One referred to the one actively committing the homosexual act and the other who is passively receiving the homosexual act.

It isn't just the physical act that is wrong. Supporting or justifying sin is also sinful (Romans 1:32). Therefore, those arguing that homosexuality should be allowed have also sinned. Those who daydream of having homosexual sin and believe that in at least some circumstances it is acceptable are guilty of the sin of lust, even though they have not committed the actual act of homosexuality.

However, to find that your body gets sexually aroused is not a sin. To be confronted with the thought that you could have homosexual sex and realize that your body finds it appealing is not a sin either -- it is a temptation. This is Satan trying to draw you into sin. But once you start justifying homosexuality, then you've crossed over into lust, which is a sin.

If you notice, this definition doesn't change for any sexual sin. To find your body gets turned on by a member of the opposite sex is not a sin. To be confronted with the thought that you could commit fornication and realize that your body finds it appealing is not a sin either -- it is a temptation. But once you start justifying having sex even though you are not married, then you crossed over into lust, which is a sin.

Now that we have the terms defined, God didn't cause you to be born with a sexual attraction to members of your same sex. You were born a male or a female. Sexual feelings typically don't develop until after puberty is reached. Early on, the human body finds any sexual ideas appealing because the desire for sex is wide open. But we tend to get fixated on certain ideas about sex. Most guys get fixated on girls. Most girls get fixated on guys. Thus, God made your body with a basic desire for sex, but where you focus that desire is your own choice. "Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am tempted by God"; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone" (James 1:12).

Are some of the problems behind homosexual attraction due to not understanding what it means to be male?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Fri, 07 Oct 2022 22:05:06 +0000

Question:

Dear Mr. Hamilton,

I read your response to the young man who asked: "I think I’m gay because my penis gets erect for guys and not gals." Your answer to why the young man doesn't get erect around young women was excellent and clear: "You don’t get the same reaction because you don’t see women as physically domineering." Then to give him hope that he will likely not commit fornication or adultery and that he will have sex with his wife was wonderful to read. So few young men receive hope for their sexual futures and the hope of their own wives.

Another reason why this particular Q&A was of interest to me is that a few years ago, I was working on a white paper with Dr. Joseph Nicolosi about Hypermasculine Homosexuality. He died before we could finish the work. At one point during our conversations, I posed the question: What is the cause of some men who eroticize being dominated by other men? I was particularly concerned about those men who are often athletes but seem to enjoy creating situations where they feel dominated by other men whom they perceive as more masculine than themselves. These are men who seem to present themselves as strong, hard-hitting men, but in reality, they will target and provoke particular men they perceive as more masculine than themselves. Once their targeted man counterattacks, these men often fall into a submissive role and seem to enjoy the 'punches' to the point where I once witnessed a physically much larger man begin to whine.

Whenever I come across a man who appears dominant but seems to seek to be dominated, it's as if I can sense some underlying erotic component. I've noted, over the years, that men who are like this and are married -- their marriages do not function well. I'm wondering if that is because of this problem and not the cause of their problem because his sexual focus is not on his wife God has for him. If so, then he will not enjoy the sexual satisfaction he can only get with his own wife and will continue 'misfocusing' on what get's him most aroused.

Since I, like most men I know, enjoy being the man with my wife and enjoy being the man in all my responsibilities, I can't relate to their problem. I wonder if, at the root, they didn't learn in childhood that God created them as males for a purpose.

I appreciate it if you have any insight you have from what you have noticed from your large dataset of young men's questions that might pertain to this problem. I don't want to waste your time if you don't desire to respond.

Thanks much.

Answer:

You've asked a question for which I'm not certain that I have sufficient information to answer. I have to keep in mind the danger that exists in delving into man-made philosophies (Colossians 2:8). Thus, I strive to keep God's teachings as my focus. "Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen" (I Peter 4:11).

Over the years, I have talked to a large number of males who are involved in homosexuality or find themselves attracted to other males. I agree that most have skewed ideas of what it means to be male. The cause of the skewing can be large (lack of a father, an uninvolved father, abuse as a child, a man-hating mother, etc.). Boys and girls go through a period where they use role models to tune their ideas regarding how they should behave. It is a part of the learning process. Even in Christianity, we are told to imitate good Christians (Philippians 3:17; Titus 2:6-8). Both bad role models and a lack of role models can cause difficulties in proper learning.

Many of these males believe there is something missing in their life, and in trying to fill the void, they end up exacerbating the problem. It doesn't help that society tends to have unreasonable ideas about what makes a person male. You can see an example of this in the Bible. Isaac favored his hairy, hunter son over his smooth-skinned, stay-at-home, shepherd son (Genesis 25:27-28).

When sexual feelings get mixed into problems, as happens during the teenage years, untangling the resulting mess can be difficult.

One of the core problems is a lack of contentment. It leads people to believe that if something changed in their life, then things would improve. Some go so far as to invert roles in a vain attempt to change their life. However, all changes are not the same. And most things in our life cannot be truly changed. What I can change is my attitude toward life. Unfortunately, I find that a large number of people find that concept difficult. See:

Related to a lack of contentment is an unwillingness to be responsible. It is always someone else's fault, such as Eve blaming the serpent for her sin and Adam blaming God for giving him Eve as the reason behind his sin. Without responsibility, a person believes he can act as he pleases; thus, perceived pleasure is their number one priority. See:

What about people who play the victim card?

Are gay people going to hell?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Tue, 08 Jan 2019 23:13:00 +0000

Question:

Is it true that gay people go to hell? I'm not gay, but a lot of people are, and it's not out of choice. They are just born attracted to men. So if it's not an option, why should they get punished for it?

Answer:

"Attraction" just means what you find appealing. Some people find flowers appealing; others drool over a shiny sports car. But even if I find a sports car appealing, it doesn't mean I own one or want to own one (I might find the cost of ownership too high).

Sexual attraction is also in the eyes of the beholder. Some find long hair or the shape of a woman or even a part of a woman's body attractive. Some see some men as attractive -- not because they want to have sex with them but because they find the male shape, in general, to be attractive.

There are so many factors that go into attraction that it is hard to pinpoint the origins of any attraction in a particular person. But what we do know is that Satan uses our desires against us to tempt us to sin. "But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death" (James 1:14-15). You have built-in desires to eat, to sleep, to have sex, to be liked by others, etc. Each of those desires has a purpose, which is to help us survive as human beings, and none of those desires are wrong in and of themselves. But they can be satisfied in the wrong ways. I can satisfy my desire to eat tasty food by eating when I am hungry. I can misuse that same desire by eating even when I'm not hungry (which is gluttony). I can satisfy my desire for sex by getting married to a nice woman. I can misuse that same desire by having sex with a woman I'm not married to (which is fornication). Satan takes our desires and says, "See, you can have it. All you have to do is ..."

John tells us that there are three routes Satan can take to sell sin: "For all that is in the world -- the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life -- is not of the Father but is of the world" (I John 2:15). Lust of the flesh refers to all the desires that arise from the fact that we are in a physical body. Lust of the eyes refers to our desire for pretty things. And the pride of life arises from the fact that we want to think well of ourselves.

Having a desire is not a sin. Being tempted is not a sin. However, accepting that sin is justifiable is now a problem. "For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man" (Mark 7:21-23). Of course, acting on a temptation, doing what is being offered, is what we call "sin." It is the breaking of God's law. "Whoever commits sin also commits lawlessness, and sin is lawlessness" (I John 3:4).

No one is born homosexual. Even science currently agrees. See:

People choose who they decide to have sex with. When they choose to follow God's law and only have sex with their wife, they are righteous -- even if they are tempted by the attractiveness of the male body. Everyone is able to choose to reject any temptation. "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it" (I Corinthians 10:13).

From the Bible's point of view, there is no "being gay." That was something made up to try and convince a gullible population that homosexuality is more common than it really is. What the Bible talks about is the act. If you have sex with someone of the same gender, then you are committing the sin of homosexuality. If you think it is acceptable, even if you don't do it, then that is the sin of lust. But being tempted by homosexuality or just seeing the male form as attractive (in the same sense as a flower is attractive) is not a sin.

With that clarification, people who have sex with anyone they are not married to, no matter their gender, are sinning. If they remain in that sin and stubbornly refuse to acknowledge that it is wrong, well, rebellion against God's law is not going to get them into heaven. "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). People can and do change. When they do change, they can have salvation. "Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God" (I Corinthians 6:11). But if you refuse to change, you leave God no other choice but to carry out His justice.

Is same-gender love wrong?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Fri, 09 Sep 2005 16:39:55 +0000

Question:

I need to ask a question about love. I have asked before about boy-boy or girl-girl relationships. Is there such a case that you can say it is proper if you're a guy to be infatuated (or have a crush) on another guy, or for a girl (this is more common, I think) to have a crush on another girl? I want to ask if there are laws against this? Are there any rules and limitations?

I have asked many this question, yet they all have different answers. One says it's okay so long as you don't go beyond the love. One says that it's normal, another one says it's not normal. So here I am because this issue is growing bigger in my country (the Philippines). Can you say love to the same gender is bad because it also becomes a relationship? There are verses in the Bible about love, such as "Love one another just as Christ has loved you." I don't know if they are doing the same, but it's about the love they give. Is this also called a relationship?

I hope you could take time to answer these. I have friends who are in this situation and I want to know if they are doing right or wrong, and what I might be able to tell them about it as well. Thank you very much.

Answer:

The difficulty that you are encountering is that mankind plays games with terms, such as "love." I love chocolate. I love my mother. I love my wife. I love my children. I love God. Yet in each of these statements, the love being expressed is not exactly the same.

Can you love someone of the same gender? Of course! Abraham loved Isaac his son (Genesis 22:2). Ruth loved her mother-in-law Naomi (Ruth 4:15). And it doesn't have to be a family relationship either. A slave can love his master (Exodus 21:5). In the early days of his reign, King Saul loved the boy David and had him made his armor-bearer (I Samuel 16:21-22). Soon his son Jonathan became best of friends with David. "Now when he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul" (I Samuel 18:1). The phrase, "loved him as his own soul" is describing the depth of feeling they had for each other. It is reserved for the very closest and best of friends. One of the laws warns not to be led away into sin even by someone to whom you are very close: "If your brother, the son of your mother, your son or your daughter, the wife of your bosom, or your friend who is as your own soul, secretly entices you, saying, 'Let us go and serve other gods,' which you have not known, neither you nor your fathers, of the gods of the people which are all around you, near to you or far off from you, from one end of the earth to the other end of the earth, you shall not consent to him or listen to him, nor shall your eye pity him, nor shall you spare him or conceal him" (Deuteronomy 13:6-8).

Most can quote the famous law, "you shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Leviticus 19:18) and not think there is anything unusual in the command. It is related to the command that you quoted. "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another" (John 13:34).

None of these relationships are sexual in nature; love doesn't necessarily imply that sex is involved. The most famous description of the nature of love is found in I Corinthians 13:4-8, and yet it contains no reference to a sexual expression of love. It describes the love every Christian should have for each other. We realize though that it is also the perfect description of the love between a husband and wife.

Yes, in the relationship between a husband and wife there is sexual intercourse (I Corinthians 7:2-5). But sex is not love. Sex is just one way married couples express their love to each other. However, because sex is supposed to be confined to a marriage relationship (Hebrews 13:4) and people who are married are supposed to be in love, sex is sometimes referred to as love. It is a figure of speech called a "metonymy," which literally means a change in name. For example, a press release might state "The White House announced today ..." The president's home doesn't speak. It is a figure of speech where the residence is used in place of the person who works there. The same is true when "love" is used to mean "sex." It doesn't happen often in the Bible, but it is so frequently used in our societies that people forget the distinction.

In Proverbs 7:18, the seductress uses the come-on line "Come, let us take our fill of love until morning; Let us delight ourselves with love." Obviously, sex is being talked about, but by calling it "love" it gives the appearance of legitimacy. Married couples in love have sex; hence, the come-on line is that "we can make love" with sex. The problem is that true love is not made by sexual activities. The cart is before the horse. People who are truly in love get married and then engage in sexual acts.

Such is seen in Song of Solomon 7:12. "Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine has budded, whether the grape blossoms are open, and the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love." Here the wife is suggesting that she and her husband take a trip to the country and engage in sex while there. "Love" is used as a metonymy for "sex" to give a "teasing" to the statement. The wife and the husband both know what is meant, but the indirect reference lends "mystique" to the statement.

Since sex in marriage generally takes place in bed (Hebrews 13:4), adultery is mentioned in Ezekiel 23:17 in this manner: "Then the Babylonians came to her, into the bed of love, and they defiled her with their immorality; So she was defiled by them, and alienated herself from them." The metonymy is used here to form a contrast. The bed of love is supposed to be a reference to the honorable sexual acts between a husband and wife, but Israel had twisted what was honorable and made it into an abhorrence.

One last metonymy is seen in Ezekiel 16:8, ""When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine," says the Lord GOD." The phrase "time of love" refers to sexual maturity. It means that the person had matured enough to get married and participate in sexual relations in a marriage (indicated by the mention of swearing an oath and entering into a covenant).

Using "love" as a metonymy for "sex" is fairly rare in the Scriptures. I only found the four examples listed above. In each case, the usage of the word "love" makes it clear that "sex" was actually being discussed. However, it is a grave mistake to assume that all usages of "love" are metonymies. Such would cause awkward or improper readings where the statement clearly violates the laws of God. Look again at the examples of metonymies above and notice that each case sexual activity is being alluded to and not a general relationship.

Some read about the relationship between David and Jonathan and declare that it included a sexual relation. However, if it was a metonymy, then one would have to say that the passage is only saying that David and Jonathan were engaged in sexual activity; yet, in reading the context it is obvious that this is not what was being described. It is the closeness of their friendship that is under consideration. To say that Jonathan and David were engaged in homosexual acts leaves the dilemma of explaining why they were not condemned for violating Leviticus 20:13, "If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them." Especially considering that David was condemned for his adulterous relationship with Bathsheba later in his life. The only reasonable conclusion is that sex was not involved in this relationship.

And so we find that the mention of love does not necessarily imply that sex occurs between people in love. We also find that many types of love are mentioned that are accepted and obviously do not include sex. There is no reason to conclude that David and Jonathan had a homosexual relationship. They were simply two men who deeply loved each other.

Now one last point to bring out. When young people reach adolescence, their developing bodies give them an awareness of sexual desires. But, as with all developments, it takes time to mature. A baby has hands and feet to move and the infant moves them frequently but to no useful purpose. Boys in particular, because their genitals are external, are aware that their bodies express sexual desire, but to no particular purpose. We even have a phrase for it: "spontaneous erections." Girls actually experience similar events, but because their organs are internal, they do not get as strong of feedback as boys do.

Sexual desire is broad at first and teens are unsure how to handle the strange sensations. Hence, it is normal for them to turn to others of the same sex for help. After all, who would know more about handling these strange urges than a fellow man or woman? Several informal surveys have noted that about half of all teenagers go through a stage where they are attracted to people of their own gender. It is likely that because just prior to puberty little boys "hate" girls and little girls "hate" boys, that they find themselves attracted to those with whom they are familiar. This is particularly unsettling when teens begin having sexual themed dreams which involve people of the same sex. Few are warned that it sometimes happens or that it is a temporary phase in sexual development.

The broad application of something new prior to a focused application is a well-known phenomenon. You see it is little children when they learn a new concept. They learn "dog" and suddenly all animals are "dogs." After many corrections, they eventually learn that "dog" only applies to some animals. Or, a child learns to make a word plural and suddenly all words are plural whether they need to be or not. After many corrections, plurals are used only in appropriate situations. The learning of handling sexual urges is no different. When it is new, the urges are broadly expressed by the body. But after conscience rejection of improper expression, it becomes focused. Believe it or not, the embarrassment of having erections in public locker rooms and the merciless taunting other boys are all part of helping steer the bodies sexual urges to the proper direction.

Those promoting homosexuality latch on to this tendency to broadly apply sexual desire and declare that homosexuality is "normal." What they willfully ignore is that it is just a phase which passes. For the vast majority of teens, the broad focus of desire fades and blossoms as a narrow focus on the opposite sex. It is all a part of the brain wiring itself to handle sexual urges.

Unfortunately, homosexuality is so heavily promoted that during this temporary phase of same-sex attraction, people are convinced that they must be homosexual. They focus on it and the mind trains itself to retain what should have been a passing thought. Their conscience becomes seared and they accept what should be rejected.

I hope this helps clarify matters. Looking back, I seem to have touched on a wide number of related topics. Please write again if you need further information.

How do we distinguish between attraction and lust?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Wed, 09 Feb 2005 02:58:03 +0000

Question:

Having read your article, "Is masturbation unacceptable?" I wish to commend you for tackling a subject many avoid. Sunday night I finished a series of lessons on human sexuality, so I feel we have this in common. I have a question that might help shed some light on this subject.

Matthew 5:28 says, "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." I find our usual understanding of this passage leads to problems. To say anytime a man looks upon a woman and finds her sexually attractive is a sin, it is a dangerous position. I have heard it said there is a distinct difference between finding a woman attractive and finding her sexually attractive. I challenge anyone to clearly define the differences. God created "male and female" and sexual attraction is normal, and I believe it to be expected. Anyone not attracted to the opposite sex has emotional or health issues. To say a man sexually attracted to a female falls under the condemnation of Christ is to put every unmarried male in a difficult position. Can they date, become engaged, and plan a future life with one of the opposite sex without thoughts of sexual desire? Of course not! What is the difference? They are seeking and planning a "lawful" gratification of those desires. You make an excellent point, the motivation provided the condemnation. It is when a person seeks or is motivated to meet the needs of sexual gratification in an "unlawful' manner that it becomes a sin - fornication, adultery, bestiality, homosexuality, etc.

I came to this understanding while studying a passage with similar language. Matthew 5:6 says, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness." Who is blessed? Those who think of, fantasize about being righteous, or those who seek out opportunities and plan to do those things necessary to accomplish righteousness? It is often said a man "lusting after' a woman only lacks an opportunity to act upon that lust. He has committed himself to the act in his mind. Thus, God charges him as though the act were committed. I believe if we would make the same statements and provide equal understanding between Matthew 5:6 and Matthew 5:28 it would help us understand the point Jesus was making about "lust". To acknowledge a woman as attractive does not lead to sin. To seek out and plan opportunities to fulfill sexual gratification with her is a sin.

I have heard the problem with "mixed bathing" is that a man cannot see a woman in stages of undress without sinning. If that is true, it is just as sinful to go to the mall or Wal-Mart during the summer months. We must be consistent, must we not? We could become a commune of monks if we are not careful. Furthermore, most would agree a woman can be just as attractive and desirable dressed in a modest evening gown. It is not the natural sexual desire that is sinful, nor the opportunity to sin - it is seeking and planning (motivation) to sin that leads to sin.

Does this make sense?

Answer:

What you have stated is succinctly expressed by Job: "I have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I look upon a young woman?" (Job 31:1). The attraction between the sexes is as normal as hunger or thirst. It is the major motivator that drives men and women to seek to become husband and wife. The problem, of course, is that Satan seeks to take our natural desires and twist the situation so it appears that fulfilling that desire would require breaking a law of God. "Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am tempted by God"; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren" (James 1:13-16).

Notice that Jesus did not just say it was wrong to look at a woman. He said, "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). It is looking at a woman to lust for her that is wrong. "Lust" in this case means more than just a strong desire, it means a strong desire for something that is unlawful. In other words, to look at a woman with thoughts of wondering what she would be like in bed (i.e. outside of marriage) is lust. The only difference between the thought and the action is the opportunity to commit the action. A more detailed discussion on lust can be found in "What is Lust?" from the study Growing Up in the Lord: A Study for Teenage Boys and "What is Lust?" from the study Growing Up in the Lord: A Study for Teenage Girls. The first three chapters and the last chapter of the Song of Solomon make an excellent foundation for discussing these matters. A study can be found in The Greatest Love Song Ever Written: A Study of the Song of Solomon. Look for the discussions on the phrase "do not awaken love until she pleases."

There is a bit more to the mixed bathing issue than personally resolving not to lust after a person of the opposite sex. God gives rules regarding limits for clothing. If the problem was solely the "lookers" problem, then a nudist would be correct in contending that he does have the problem, it is everyone else's problem. However, God tells us "Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way" (Romans 14:13). To dress provocatively, knowing full well that some will have difficulty controlling their thoughts, is just as wrong as those looking whose minds are in the gutter. You can find a fuller discussion on the issue of clothing and mixed bathing in "Is it okay for boys and girls to swim together?"

Since you have done lessons on human sexuality, you might be interested in Preparation for a Lifetime, a pre-marital study that includes numerous chapters on sexual issues.