{"id":7865,"date":"2006-11-21T19:56:32","date_gmt":"2006-11-22T01:56:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/?p=7865"},"modified":"2021-01-10T08:54:11","modified_gmt":"2021-01-10T14:54:11","slug":"i-attempted-to-spank-my-stepson-but-i-think-i-mishandled-it-what-should-i-have-done","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/i-attempted-to-spank-my-stepson-but-i-think-i-mishandled-it-what-should-i-have-done\/","title":{"rendered":"I attempted to spank my stepson, but I think I mishandled it. What should I have done?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\t

Question:<\/h2>\n

I am so glad I found this website.\u00a0\u00a0Please let me introduce myself.\u00a0 I am the stepmother of a teenage boy.\u00a0 I take Christianity and the teachings of Jesus very seriously.\u00a0 I recently married my long-time partner, Jim (the boy’s father), and am now officially his stepmother.\u00a0 A few days ago I walked into my son’s room to tell him that his lunch was ready and was shocked to find him masturbating!\u00a0 He tried to cover himself up as soon as I walked in, but I saw exactly what he was doing.\u00a0 I was horrified, so I grabbed him by the arm and spanked him hard.\u00a0 He immediately lept up and told me that I had no right to punish him because I wasn’t his real mother.\u00a0 Furious, I spanked him even harder.\u00a0 He just kept laughing at me and telling me I couldn’t hurt him.\u00a0 I was nearly in tears and, without thinking, I squeezed his testicles hard, desperate to hurt him in some way.\u00a0 He yelped and immediately jumped up, running out of the room.\u00a0 I now feel terrible about the situation and don’t think I handled it appropriately.\u00a0 What should I have done? Should I tell my husband? How should I go about disciplining my stepson when he won’t respect me?<\/p>\n\t

Answer:<\/h2>\n

I don’t know about your son, but what you have said about yourself leaves little for me to respect about you.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. You claim to take Christianity seriously and then immediately show that you don’t. You have been living with a man outside the bonds of marriage. In other words, you were committing fornication with this boy’s father, acting as an unpaid prostitute. “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God<\/em>” (I Corinthians 6:9-10). You were expecting respect when you were trashing the name of the very one you claim as your God? [The writer responded to say that she did not have sex with the man before marriage. Perhaps it was an unfortunate word choice on her part, but she did refer to him as a long-time partner — generally a euphemism for a live-in arrangement, which was also hinted at when she said she was now \u00a0his stepmother.]<\/em><\/li>\n
  2. Even though you and the boy’s father have been committing sexual sins for a while, you claim to be shocked that a teenage boy was showing signs of becoming sexual. Quite two-faced of you. I can show you numerous passages showing the corruptness of your lifestyle before your marriage, but you are furious with a boy over a matter that you cannot find one passage condemning! For more information, see “How do you punish a boy caught masturbating?<\/a>” and “Is masturbation unacceptable?<\/a>“<\/li>\n
  3. In regards to step-children, it is better to allow the natural parent to handle punishments, especially early on in such a marriage. Punishment brings temporary resentment anyway (Hebrews 12:11) and there is no evidence from the child’s point of view that a step-parent truly has his best interest in mind.<\/li>\n
  4. When a child reaches puberty, my advice has always been that the parent of the same gender should handle corporal punishment when necessary. If one is not available because of a single parent situation, a trusted individual of the same gender should be found.<\/li>\n
  5. The purpose of punishment is an improvement in behavior; it is not about power over another individual. “For they<\/em>[ fathers ]indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness<\/em>” (Hebrews 12:10). However, this is actually what you turned it into and when it failed to produce the response that you wanted you actually attempted to cause harm, just so you could have the upper-hand. Punishment is executed when rules are broken and in accordance with the decision as to an appropriate type and amount. You described a beating that took place because you were shocked, humiliated, and angered. Clearly, you don’t have the boy’s best interest at heart.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Finally, yes, you should tell your husband what happened. He needs to seriously consider moving out with his son — at least until his son is old enough to live on his own.<\/p>\n

    What should have been done? When you realized what he was doing, you should have said that it was inappropriate behavior in a place where people could accidentally walk in as you had done. You should have then told his father about it that evening and asked him to discuss “the birds and the bees” with the boy before matters get out of hand. Instead, you threw away an opportunity to teach in a vain attempt to “prove” you were more important than a boy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Question: I am so glad I found this website.\u00a0\u00a0Please let me introduce myself.\u00a0 I am the stepmother of a teenage boy.\u00a0 I take Christianity and the teachings of Jesus very seriously.\u00a0 I recently married my long-time partner, Jim (the boy’s father), and am now officially his stepmother.\u00a0 A few days ago I walked into my…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_seo_schema_type":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[20],"tags":[106,29,107,666,108],"class_list":["post-7865","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-answer","tag-discipline","tag-parenting","tag-raising-children","tag-sexual-abuse","tag-spanking"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":59016,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/how-do-you-be-around-someone-who-has-done-evil\/","url_meta":{"origin":7865,"position":0},"title":"How do you be around someone who has done evil?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"February 13, 2023","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Hi, I've been reading through your website and have found your work interesting. I was wondering if you have some advice for me in a situation relating to my boyfriend and his family. Recently my boyfriend's stepmother filed for divorce against his father. Scripturally, both parties are in the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":14044,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/our-son-recently-started-getting-erections-when-he-is-spanked-what-should-we-do\/","url_meta":{"origin":7865,"position":1},"title":"Our son recently started getting erections when he is spanked. What should we do?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"October 24, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Our oldest son is 14 and we have always spanked him. However, the last few times he has been spanked he has developed erections. How should this be handled? Answer: When a boy gains the ability to have an erection, he has no control over when they happen. Since\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Adolescence"","block_context":{"text":"Adolescence","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/parenting\/adolescence\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":5393,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/does-my-son-enjoy-being-spanked\/","url_meta":{"origin":7865,"position":2},"title":"Does my son enjoy being spanked?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"May 22, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I read the wealth of information your web site offers with regard to child rearing. I must say that I agree with most of what you say here. I have found the rod to be much more effective than the wooden spoon once I started using one almost two\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Adolescence"","block_context":{"text":"Adolescence","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/parenting\/adolescence\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":799,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/how-do-i-honor-my-stepmother-and-accept-her\/","url_meta":{"origin":7865,"position":3},"title":"How do I honor my stepmother and accept her?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"February 14, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: How do I honor my stepmother and accept her? What are our places now in the family? I am just looking around in all sorts of places for answers, so I hope this is something that is appropriate to ask you. Recently my family has grown as my dad\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":13959,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/how-can-you-spank-when-the-child-refuses-to-submit-to-a-spanking\/","url_meta":{"origin":7865,"position":4},"title":"How can you spank when the child refuses to submit to a spanking?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"October 24, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: In relation to using the rod with our sons who are 14 and 10, we started to use a switch and made changes to the way we spanked about a year ago after reading the information on your website. We talked with the boys and we all decided to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Adolescence"","block_context":{"text":"Adolescence","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/parenting\/adolescence\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":13983,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/my-son-continues-to-backtalk-us-and-punches-his-younger-brother\/","url_meta":{"origin":7865,"position":5},"title":"My son continues to backtalk us and punches his younger brother","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"October 24, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I just wanted to say thanks for contending for the faith, in relation to the person who wrote you against the Bible. I need further help with my son, who is 14. My wife and I have set the punishment for disobedience for both our sons. In addition to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Adolescence"","block_context":{"text":"Adolescence","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/parenting\/adolescence\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7865","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7865"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7865\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7865"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7865"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7865"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}