Hello,<\/p>\n
My brother and his wife are having problems in their marriage. I don’t know what else to do or tell them, and talking to my brother can sometimes feel like talking to a child.<\/p>\n
My brother is nearly 30, and his wife is about the same age. They have two little children and have been married less than ten years.<\/p>\n
My brother is not currently living in his house with his wife. He stayed with me for a few weeks and is now at our parents’ house. The reason for that is because his wife told him to leave the house, and the reason for that was because he drinks. They both went to “Christian” counseling and were told that my brother was an alcoholic. My brother did not make any genuine attempt to go to any classes or counseling and again was caught drinking. So his wife told him he needed to leave the house and not return until he got help. So he left the house.<\/p>\n
She says that yelling, drinking, and her forgiving him has been going on for basically the whole time they were married, and it got really bad this year.<\/p>\n
After a week or so, my brother finally went to meet with a counselor because, apparently, he tried going home after going a few days without drinking. His wife told him he couldn’t come home until he got help. He got angry and started yelling and hitting walls. After this episode, he said he realized that he did need help, and he went to a counselor a few times and even went to one of those Alcoholic meetings multiple times.<\/p>\n
From what she says, he always gets either angry or upset when they talk, which shows her that he doesn’t truly want to change.<\/p>\n
It has been over two weeks now that he has been sober. He has been trying to go to meetings, but she still doesn’t let him come home because, anytime they talk, she says he gets angry in the end, and again, it shows her that he doesn’t want to change. The counselors told her that she needed to kick him out and not make contact, but she had been making contact.\u00a0Because he is an alcoholic and she keeps making contact, he will not change, so she thinks it’s her fault, and she keeps making contact.<\/p>\n
I’ve tried to talk to my brother and tell him that he is the man of the house, and if he keeps getting angry and yelling, nothing will change, and he will lose what he has.<\/p>\n
To his wife, I said that she needs to understand that he has tried and done what she asked of him. He went and got help. What else does she need? But she answers and says that because he keeps on showing that side of him where he gets angry and yells at the end of the conversation, it shows her that he is only doing all that just to get home.<\/p>\n
I told her, “Well, of course. His goal is to get home, but by doing what you are asking, you are already making an improvement.” I kept telling her that she needed to be praying and fasting and continue showing love. I tell her that not letting him return home will cause him to lose the desire to get better. It will seem that no matter how much he does, it will never be enough, and that is what makes him angry. He thinks that he did this thing that she wanted, but she keeps saying, “No, you can’t come home.”<\/p>\n
I tried to speak with my brother yesterday and today. He keeps saying he doesn’t want to talk and basically tells me to ask his wife what she said. He also tells me that she said that her feelings are slowly falling apart and that she doesn’t need him. I tell him there is no way she said that, and then he confirms that she didn’t say those exact words.<\/p>\n
When I spoke with her, she would say that she doesn’t need an alcoholic in the house for kids to see every day. and that it’s doing the kids harm when they see him and hear him yell at her.<\/p>\n
Yesterday, when I spoke with her, she was talking about separating and how my brother told her that being away from the house and her is making it easier for him to want to cheat. So then she told me, “Well, if it’s that easy for him to cheat, then we should separate.” I told her that he was just being stupid, and he probably didn’t mean that he wanted to cheat or would cheat, just that it’s easier to fall into temptation.<\/p>\n
My brother is by no means an educated person. He only finished high school and not with the best grades. He always has a hard time expressing his thoughts and feelings.<\/p>\n
Also, something I found out only this year is that he did have sex with another girl years before he got married. From what he and his wife say, they talked about that before they got married, and he has repented.\u00a0But a year or two ago, she left him for a few weeks because she caught him sexually texting another girl.<\/p>\n
They came back together, and apparently, all was okay, but now she says things were not OK. Every time I call her and my brother throughout all these years, I always ask them, “How are they doing?” “How are things?” “The specifics?” and they always say, “All is good.”<\/p>\n
She told me that she had been patient for eight years and that she would not let him into the house until she saw that he was genuine and found help.<\/p>\n
I don’t know what to tell them. My brother is stubborn and stupid. She is irrational and listening to some counselors, but I understand why. But to me, it seems that I’m doing more harm trying to fix things between them.<\/p>\n
I don’t want to see them make a stupid decision to separate, which will most likely lead to divorce. I think that she, as a wife, needs to talk to him and ask him to come home, and that will give my brother the incentive to keep wanting to change. My brother needs to start acting like a man and stop being depressed over every little word, and he needs to stop getting angry and yelling.<\/p>\n
I just don’t know. Marriage isn’t a toy. God bonded them, and they made vows to each other. I think it doesn’t matter how bad things get; divorce should never be on the table unless there is real abuse or actual cheating with another person.<\/p>\n
Please help. What should I, as their brother, do or tell them? What should they do?<\/p>\n
She is stuck on not letting him in, and that is mainly at this point not because he has an alcohol problem but now it’s because of how he gets angry and yells.<\/p>\n\t
It is strange to me how many people cannot see how much alcohol impacts their behavior and thoughts. “Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler, and whoever is intoxicated by it is not wise<\/em>” (Proverbs 20:1). It is worse while a person is under the influence of alcohol, but it continues afterward for weeks. Generally, it takes about a month for an alcoholic to start thinking clearly. In part, it takes some time for the damage done by alcohol to heal. He is not causing additional damage, but the current damage has to be repaired.<\/p>\n In changing, your brother has two things to work on: not turning to alcohol to drown out his problems and learning to control his emotions. He’s started the first step and realizes he needs help with the second. Both of these issues can be helped by seriously becoming a Christian, but I can’t tell you if he will understand just how badly he needs God in his life.<\/p>\n His wife is correct that he doesn’t need to return home until he has solved his issues, but she also has issues to deal with. She is not seeing them because his problems are overshadowing hers. She is provoking his anger because she wants to prove to herself that he has changed. Thus, she pokes at him until he eventually explodes and concludes that he hasn’t changed. If she wants her husband back, she has to stop provoking him. “Let us not become boastful, challenging one another<\/strong>, envying one another<\/em>” (Galatians 5:26). You don’t prove a cripple is walking better by icing his path. Instead, she needs to learn how to help him remain calm.<\/p>\n I can see you love them both and want the best for them, but getting between two warring parties rarely works. “Like one who takes a dog by the ears Is he who passes by and meddles with strife not belonging to him<\/em>” (Proverbs 26:17). You are not responsible for the success or failure of your brother’s marriage. You can give them good advice, but you will not be able to make them do what is right. They are responsible for their own choices. “The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father’s iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son’s iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself<\/em>” (Ezekiel 18:20).<\/p>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Question: Hello, My brother and his wife are having problems in their marriage. I don’t know what else to do or tell them, and talking to my brother can sometimes feel like talking to a child. My brother is nearly 30, and his wife is about the same age. They have two little children and…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[20],"tags":[371,1503,64],"class_list":["post-70369","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-answer","tag-alcohol","tag-anger","tag-marriage"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":19301,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/can-you-explain-levitate-marriages\/","url_meta":{"origin":70369,"position":0},"title":"Can you explain levitate marriages?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"June 29, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I need some help with marriage laws in the Old Testament, concerning the death of a brother. 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