Good day, Minister,<\/p>\n
I trust this finds you well.<\/p>\n
Could you please shed light on and give guidance on the following questions?<\/p>\n
I have been dating my boyfriend for several years now. In the second year of our relationship, he mentioned wanting to come to my home to start the lobola proceedings. I told him my parents might not be happy about my getting married so soon. I had to go to a different country, which was a blessing as I was offered a job that aligned well with my career aspirations. However, my boyfriend was concerned about the distance and the possibility of me not returning since he wanted to lobola me. As a result, I made compromises and returned to be in the same country with him.<\/p>\n
Recently, he has been asking for my input on getting me pregnant and then paying the lobola after confirming the pregnancy. This idea does not sit well with me. I suggested that if he didn’t have enough money, he should negotiate with my family, and we could have a court wedding, but he insisted on having a big white wedding. What should I do?<\/p>\n
In marriage, I am supposed to submit to my husband. Does that mean I should hand over my salary to him? If we disagree on specific issues, can I respectfully offer suggestions? If I advise him and he doesn’t take my advice, would letting him proceed with his decision, even if it has consequences, be an act of submission?<\/p>\n
Thank you.<\/p>\n\t
I’m disturbed that you are dating a man who wants to commit fornication (sex without being married). That should be a deal breaker for a Christian. “But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints; and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them<\/em>” (Ephesians 5:3-7). The Greek word for “immorality” is\u00a0porneia<\/em>, which refers to having sex with someone you are not married to.<\/p>\n “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior<\/em>” (I Peter 3:1-2).<\/p><\/blockquote>\n “Submission” means to follow another person voluntarily. Notice I Peter 3:1 starts out: “In the same way, …<\/em>” A wife’s submission to her husband is no different from the submission of a citizen to the government or a slave to a master, or Christ to God’s will, which was discussed in I Peter 2. Where citizenship and slavery are usually involuntary, a wife’s submission to her husband is like Christ’s submission to the Father. It is entirely voluntary because the wife chooses her husband. And like the citizen or the slave, a wife’s submission reflects upon God and His Word (Titus 2:5).<\/p>\n “Submission” does not mean blind obedience or never giving advice. It does mean that the final decision is up to the husband when there is a disagreement. However, a husband doesn’t have the right to choose anything he wants.<\/p>\n Husbands are not the ultimate authority. Christ is the head of every man (I Corinthians 11:3). Thus, a wife serves Christ through her husband (Ephesians 5:22-24;\u00a0Colossians 3:18). As with the slave or the citizen, this means that service to Christ comes first, period (Luke 14:26). If a husband wants to do something that violates God’s law, then God’s will comes first as the higher authority. However, his rebellion against God is not an excuse for the wife to rebel against her husband in other matters. Notice that Peter focuses on wives submitting to their unbelieving husbands to win them to Christ. You can’t win someone to a way of living that you aren’t following yourself. Living a proper Christian life attracts others also to imitate that same life.<\/p>\n Sometimes, the concern is that the husband isn’t doing his part, so the wife doesn’t see the need to give of herself. But remember that the husband will answer to God for his sins. The wife doesn’t make matters better by adding sins of her own. You cannot use another person’s sins as an excuse to sin. Each will answer to God solely for what he or she alone did.<\/p>\n If you already know that you don’t like the choices the man you are dating is making, then you need to find a different man. You need a husband whom you know has your best interests in mind.<\/p>\n\t Thank you for the response.<\/p>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Question: Good day, Minister, I trust this finds you well. Could you please shed light on and give guidance on the following questions? I have been dating my boyfriend for several years now. In the second year of our relationship, he mentioned wanting to come to my home to start the lobola proceedings. I told…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_seo_schema_type":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[20],"tags":[64,416],"class_list":["post-68711","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-answer","tag-marriage","tag-submission"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":50129,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/we-just-cant-get-enough-money-for-lobola-in-order-to-get-married\/","url_meta":{"origin":68711,"position":0},"title":"We just can’t get enough money for lobola in order to get married","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"March 8, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Good day, I have a very loving relationship with the father of my toddler. We love one another dearly, but unfortunately, we have no money. He has no money, and I cannot go on living day-to-day worried about the next meal. Our child lives at my home, where my\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":4099,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/if-i-had-the-money-i-would-pay-the-lobola\/","url_meta":{"origin":68711,"position":1},"title":"If I had the money, I would pay the lobola","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"April 18, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Morning minister of God, I have been dating a girl from church for over five years. When it started, we agreed not to do anything that would separate us from God. We managed for several months, but before we knew it, we were sleeping together.\u00a0This actually ruined our relationship\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":46257,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/is-paying-lobola-equivalent-to-marriage\/","url_meta":{"origin":68711,"position":2},"title":"Is paying lobola equivalent to marriage?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"October 8, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Greetings, I would like to know if lobola (bride price) is equivalent to marriage with regards to sexual relations.\u00a0 I have recently paid lobola (bride price) \u00a0but not the full amount, I am saving money and will pay the full price next and then get married.\u00a0 My curiosity is:\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":46328,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/we-arent-able-to-meet-the-terms-necessary-for-a-traditional-wedding\/","url_meta":{"origin":68711,"position":3},"title":"We aren’t able to meet the terms necessary for a traditional wedding","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"October 27, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Hi, I just have a quick question: I am a lady of 31 years and my boyfriend is 32 years old. We are both working and studying. I am Zulu and he is Venda. Our cultures are not the same. The Vendas pay a lobola, but the Zulu people\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":92027,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/how-do-we-fix-our-sin\/","url_meta":{"origin":68711,"position":4},"title":"How do we fix our sin?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"November 10, 2025","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Good day I strongly need advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years. We met in church, and we are Christians. We do everything together; we pray together, read verses together. We have a 2-year-old child, and now we are expecting again. 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