I am having an issue with my engagement. Before I met my fiancee I was not a Christian. I had had sex with multiple partners. My fiancee, at times, has trouble forgiving me for these past sins. What can I do to help her? I know I’ve hurt her but don’t know how to help her.<\/p>\n\t
I’m assuming that you became engaged just recently, after becoming a Christian, and after your sexual encounters. That being the case, your fiancee has nothing to forgive you about. You did not do her any harm; the harm you did was to yourself (I Corinthians 6:18). As an example, Paul had caused the death of a number of Christians before his conversion. “And I thank Christ Jesus our Lord who has enabled me, because He counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry, although I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent man; but I obtained mercy because I did it ignorantly in unbelief<\/em>” (I Timothy 1:12-13). Did this mean every Christian he ever encountered in the future had to offer him forgiveness for his past sins? I hope you realize that the answer would be “no.”<\/p>\n Forgiveness is about releasing a person from their debt or obligation to you. The problem is that your fiancee is claiming a debt that doesn’t exist. You can’t change your past; you can only change yourself, and you did that already. Therefore, the only person who can change is herself. She has to accept the fact that you had a bad past, but that is not unusual for a Christian. She fell in love with the man you are today, and you became the man you are today in part because of your past.<\/p>\n I wonder if she realizes what she is saying. She is holding against you a matter that God has forgiven. Though there is no debt owed to her, she is saying she can’t accept what God has done. “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses<\/em>” (Matthew 6:14-15). I don’t think any of us would really want to be opposing God.<\/p>\n I’m assuming that there aren’t children involved who will impact your future, so that is not a consideration either.<\/p>\n So it comes down to her acceptance of you as a person, which includes the fact that you are a changed man. If she cannot accept this, she doesn’t deserve you. I know this sounds hard because this is the woman you want to live the rest of your life with, but it is now, before the marriage, that these types of issues need to be resolved. If they are not settled, the marriage itself will be difficult.<\/p>\n\t Do you know of anything I can do to help her with that? Like certain passages or reading material? Also, how much detail is too much in regards to my sexual past?<\/p>\n\t You can share the answer I gave with her because then it is coming from a third party. It might be easier to accept since I don’t stand to benefit one way or the other. Or you can summarize what I said and show her the passages I showed you. Or you can ask her to write to me about her concerns.<\/p>\n The problem is there will be a natural inclination to compare herself to your past encounters. The fact that you aren’t with them and are with her won’t be readily apparent to her. Because of that I strongly suggest that you keep the information to a minimum. Acknowledge that they did happen, but also state that it was wrong and that you move away from that type of behavior when you became a Christian. If she presses for details, simply state that you don’t want to dwell on the past. She doesn’t need to know how many girls, how many times, or what was done.<\/p>\n As I said, if there is something that will affect your future together, that does need to be discussed. If you picked up an STD, and still carry it, she needs to know. If you have children because of your fornication, or that the possibility might exist, then she needs to know about the children.<\/p>\n\t Thank you, sir. I’ll talk to her about what you said. Thank you for your help.<\/p>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Question: I am having an issue with my engagement. Before I met my fiancee I was not a Christian. I had had sex with multiple partners. My fiancee, at times, has trouble forgiving me for these past sins. What can I do to help her? I know I’ve hurt her but don’t know how to…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[20],"tags":[1571,1572],"class_list":["post-34506","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-answer","tag-forgiveness","tag-fornication"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":19157,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/does-the-person-who-had-sex-with-another-persons-fiancee-needs-to-apologize-to-the-fiancee\/","url_meta":{"origin":34506,"position":0},"title":"Does the person who had sex with another person’s fiancee needs to apologize to the fiancee","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"January 27, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: If a Christian sister falls into formication with a brother who is engaged, and both have sincerely repented, is it necessary for the sister to call the brother's fianc\u00e9e to apologize as a form of restitution?\u00a0 Does the brother need to tell his fianc\u00e9e and show her the sister\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":51816,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/did-i-act-too-fast-when-i-broke-up-with-my-fiancee-because-she-was-seeing-other-men\/","url_meta":{"origin":34506,"position":1},"title":"Did I act too fast when I broke up with my fianc\u00e9e because she was seeing other men?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"October 26, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I'm in my thirties and my fianc\u00e9e is in her twenties. I've been in a relationship for three years with her, and we got engaged. She said I was the only one she was seeing, but within that period I forgave her twice for texting and dating other men.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":47110,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/how-do-we-handle-the-mother-of-my-fiancees-former-boyfriend\/","url_meta":{"origin":34506,"position":2},"title":"How do we handle the mother of my fianc\u00e9e’s former boyfriend?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"February 8, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Hello, My fianc\u00e9e and I are getting married soon.\u00a0 Recently, her grandfather has been going through trouble with cancer.\u00a0 It has brought up a few encouraging text messages. Here's where my problem begins.\u00a0 One of the encouraging texts comes repetitively from the same person.\u00a0 That person is the mother\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":51315,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/do-i-need-to-tell-my-fiancee-that-ive-been-having-sex-with-other-women-during-our-engagement\/","url_meta":{"origin":34506,"position":3},"title":"Do I need to tell my fianc\u00e9e that I’ve been having sex with other women during our engagement?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"September 8, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I have been into several relationships in the past, but none is as great as the one I am currently in. The problem is that I have not been able to maintain sexual purity for the past several years after I became sexually active. Currently, I am nearly 30\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":35301,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/im-living-with-my-fiancee-but-we-are-not-having-sex-am-i-living-in-sin\/","url_meta":{"origin":34506,"position":4},"title":"I’m living with my fiancee, but we are not having sex. Am I living in sin?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"October 15, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Hello, I've been a newborn in Christ for about three years. Jesus 180'd my life. My problem is that I've been with my fiancee for ten years now. She is starting to get closer to God but not convicted as I am yet. She wants that relationship I have\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":43846,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/am-i-being-selfish-and-covetous-in-marrying-a-woman-who-had-a-child-by-another-man\/","url_meta":{"origin":34506,"position":5},"title":"Am I being selfish and covetous in marrying a woman who had a child by another man?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"November 6, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Greetings, I met my fianc\u00e9e last year and we became friends. We go to the same church. Later we decided to pray and ask God if we should get married and we did get confirmation. So we went to our pastor and told him of our decision. We are\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34506","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=34506"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34506\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=34506"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=34506"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=34506"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Question:<\/h2>\n
Answer:<\/h2>\n
Response:<\/h2>\n