{"id":28635,"date":"2011-08-29T20:51:00","date_gmt":"2011-08-30T01:51:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/?p=28635"},"modified":"2020-12-15T21:03:23","modified_gmt":"2020-12-16T03:03:23","slug":"my-husband-knows-i-cheated-but-should-i-tell-him-the-details","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/my-husband-knows-i-cheated-but-should-i-tell-him-the-details\/","title":{"rendered":"My husband knows I cheated, but should I tell him the details?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n\t

Question:<\/h2>\n

Several years ago, I cheated on my husband with a couple of different men. Intercourse did not occur with any of them, but other things did.\u00a0 A year ago, I told my husband that I had cheated back then, and whom I had cheated with. My confession was based on my own prompting, lead by God.\u00a0 He never asked, although, I’m sure he suspected. My husband forgave me. He said that as long as we focused on each other and God – nothing else mattered.\u00a0 Since then, I focused my energy on loving my husband, being the wife God intended, rebuilding our marriage, and drawing close to God. We’ve immersed ourselves in church and activities with other Christians. My husband has noticed the change in me. Our marriage has positively grown. I have removed each of the guys from my life by cutting off all communication. If they try to contact me, I tell my husband about it and did not respond to them. As the Bible says to do, I make sure to protect myself from temptation. I do this by not allowing myself to be alone with or communicate alone with other men.<\/p>\n

The problem is that I wasn’t honest regarding the details of the cheating. When I saw the pain it caused, I lost my courage, panicked, and said it was just kissing. I know how unbelievably stupid, gutless, wrong, etc. that was. There is no excuse for it. At times, I am overwhelmed by the guilt of the lie. I don’t know if it’s conviction or condemnation. I’ve confessed to God and asked for His forgiveness many times.\u00a0 When I feel overwhelmed, I tell my husband that I struggle with past sin. He tells me that the past is over and forgotten and that all that matters is our present and future. I don’t want to lose my husband. My heart aches as I hear his laughter across the room right now. I love him more than anything, except God, of course.<\/p>\n

I found your website during one of the overwhelming periods. I noticed your advice to several cheaters regarding not making the other person hold the burden of the sin too. I also noticed that you gave advice to a\u00a0non-virgin to tell his girlfriend the truth about his virginity<\/a>.<\/p>\n

What would be your advice in my case?\u00a0 Should I tell him the details, or should this be my burden to carry?<\/p>\n\t

Answer:<\/h2>\n

You said you were lead by God to tell your husband in the first place. Yet, I know of no passage that requires such. I am glad that he took it so well. You’ve married a good man.<\/p>\n

If you are going to argue that you must tell your husband, then first you need to show where in the Scriptures does God require it. I don’t know of any. Lacking that, then you would need to show how this information would benefit your husband and your relationship. But again, I don’t see how it could and you admit that you see great potential for harm.<\/p>\n

You are not the woman you used to be. You’ve changed for the better. Leave it at that. “Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus<\/em>” (Philippians 3:13-14). There is more than enough to do to move forward, so don’t waste time being bogged down in the past.<\/p>\n

Your husband accepted the fact that you sinned in your past and forgave you of it. He didn’t ask for the details. I suspect he would have preferred not to have known at all. Forcing the details won’t do you any good because it won’t change the past. It won’t do your husband any good. He’s told you repeatedly that he doesn’t care about the details, respect him for that kindness.<\/p>\n

The reason I told the young man to admit his past is that his girlfriend thinks virginity is important (I would tell her that she should not make that a deal-breaker). She asked, and because he knew it was important to her, he lied. That is why I told him to straighten it out. She is making a decision based on false information. If a guy was not a virgin and his girlfriend never asked, then I would tell him to leave his past behind because it is not important to the future unless he suspects he might have a child somewhere — then his future wife needs to know.<\/p>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Question: Several years ago, I cheated on my husband with a couple of different men. Intercourse did not occur with any of them, but other things did.\u00a0 A year ago, I told my husband that I had cheated back then, and whom I had cheated with. My confession was based on my own prompting, lead…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_seo_schema_type":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[20],"tags":[66],"class_list":["post-28635","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-answer","tag-adultery"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":43635,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/i-cheated-on-my-marriage-can-i-be-forgiven-can-i-remarry\/","url_meta":{"origin":28635,"position":0},"title":"I cheated on my marriage. Can I be forgiven? Can I remarry?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"October 10, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Blessings! I have three questions: Will God forgive me because I committed adultery twice in my marriage with the same man and I was already a Christian? Can I remarry the man with the one I cheated on my now ex-husband with? We still see each other and talk,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":19069,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/my-husband-cheated-and-i-cheated-i-lived-with-a-man-for-years-before-the-divorce-was-final-we-eventually-married-but-did-i-have-the-right-to-marry-again\/","url_meta":{"origin":28635,"position":1},"title":"My husband cheated and I cheated. I lived with a man for years before the divorce was final. We eventually married, but did I have the right to marry again?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"June 6, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: As I read through some of your posts on adultery, one comes strongly out to me. I will explain my situation: I married a man. I didn't talk to God or parents before it and we were kids, even as adults we were kids. Then we had a kid.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":17830,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/why-do-i-feel-guilty-about-dating-after-my-divorce\/","url_meta":{"origin":28635,"position":2},"title":"Why do I feel guilty about dating after my divorce?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"January 6, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: My ex-husband and I cheated on each other during the time we were married. Looking back I can see that we were lukewarm Christian. I cheated on him at the last because he came home and told me he loved this other girl and everything and he cheated on\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":21632,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/i-thought-i-was-married-but-found-out-i-wasnt-i-had-cheated-on-the-man-i-thought-was-my-husband-does-that-prevent-me-from-marrying-him\/","url_meta":{"origin":28635,"position":3},"title":"I thought I was married but found out I wasn’t. I had cheated on the man I thought was my husband. Does that prevent me from marrying him?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"January 9, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I have a question about committing adultery while being married. My boyfriend and I believed that we were married and had sexual intercourse. But during that time I strayed and committed adultery with another guy. I know this is a sin and I continually asked for forgiveness from God\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":31647,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/is-sex-sinful-when-you-are-separated\/","url_meta":{"origin":28635,"position":4},"title":"Is sex sinful when you are separated?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"February 7, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I've looked over all the answers in the divorce section and haven't been able to find an answer to my question. My husband and I are currently separated because he is going through a midlife crisis of sorts. He is unhappy and unfulfilled and is searching for something to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":34700,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/what-do-i-do-my-husband-starting-to-use-drugs-again\/","url_meta":{"origin":28635,"position":5},"title":"What do I do? My husband starting to use drugs again","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"September 10, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I have been married for over 30 years. We own our own business and work very hard. My husband and I have weathered many storms in our marriage. He has cheated on me, drinks a lot, does drugs, lied, and was verbally abusive to me. We have worked so\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28635","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28635"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28635\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28635"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=28635"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=28635"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}