{"id":27994,"date":"2011-07-07T20:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-07-08T01:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/?p=27994"},"modified":"2020-11-28T20:05:52","modified_gmt":"2020-11-29T02:05:52","slug":"how-do-we-get-our-marriage-back-to-the-way-it-used-to-be-before-my-wifes-affair","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/how-do-we-get-our-marriage-back-to-the-way-it-used-to-be-before-my-wifes-affair\/","title":{"rendered":"How do we get our marriage back to the way it used to be before my wife’s affair?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n\t

Question:<\/h2>\n

I hope you have some insight. Since her affair, my wife and I have been both very committed to making our marriage what it should be.\u00a0 We have been reading the Bible, meeting with counselors, meeting with our pastor, etc.\u00a0\u00a0I am very confident in her commitment and mine.\u00a0 I have been focusing on my choices, both to make this work as well as marrying her in the first place.\u00a0 This has really helped with my doubts and has allowed me to be more productive in mending our broken relationship.\u00a0 The trouble we have been dealing with lately is concerning intimacy.\u00a0 I have read “Marriage’s Glue<\/a>”\u00a0and I feel that it describes what is happening in our marriage.<\/p>\n

My question is how to deal with “my” feelings in regards to intimacy.\u00a0 I know that there are pieces of the other man left\u00a0on her side\u00a0of the joint and they\u00a0are getting in the way of her making a tight meaningful bond with me.\u00a0 We have been intimate since the affair but it has not been right.\u00a0 I miss that tight bond.\u00a0\u00a0I\u00a0am seeking it but it is not there.\u00a0 Should we just put the glue on the shelf?\u00a0 How do we know when to bring it\u00a0out again?\u00a0\u00a0How do I gain the confidence and connection I am craving when I know she has too much in the way to provide it?\u00a0 I keep getting stuck on my insecurities and feelings of inadequacy\u00a0and she is not able to say the things that would help me deal with them.<\/p>\n

I\u00a0hope this makes sense.\u00a0 I don’t even know if it makes sense to me.<\/p>\n

Thank you for your\u00a0thoughts.<\/p>\n\t

Answer:<\/h2>\n

You are looking for something that only time will heal. In the meantime, you need to change your focus. You are so focused on regaining what you lost that your outlook is becoming selfish. Do as God commanded new husbands: “When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken<\/em>” (Deuteronomy 24:5). For now, focus on making your wife sexually happy. Don’t be concerned about yourself, though I believe I can guarantee that you won’t find yourself unhappy with the results. Give it a year and you’ll see strong improvements even though it won’t be like the past.<\/p>\n\t

Response:<\/h2>\n

Thanks for your quick response. I printed out a copy of “Marriage’s Glue<\/a>” for my wife to read and she did. Upon finishing we realized that even though she had asked God for forgiveness and repented she had not verbally asked me directly for forgiveness. We sat down and talked about it and she asked me for forgiveness. I accepted her offering as genuine and forgiveness came easily. Although I had in many ways already forgiven her, the actual asking for and giving of forgiveness was very comforting for me and for her. I know that we have a long way to go and things will not be easy, but I think this might provide some closure to many of my issues. She is a woman of integrity (even though she lost it for a while), and I know she would not ask for forgiveness if she wasn’t truly sorry, ready to close the door on that terrible part of her life and move on.<\/p>\n

As for the intimacy issues you once again hit the nail on the head. It is so easy to become selfish in a situation like this. I have felt as if I did no wrong so she must fulfill all of my needs both physically and emotionally. Your words have helped me to remember that this is certainly not the case. It is still a team effort and my job on this team is to build her up. It scares me that we may never have what we had before, but with God’s help maybe it can be better, different, but better.<\/p>\n

I appreciate your guidance and advice and thank you for all your hard work. Your ministry is truly a blessing to me.<\/p>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Question: I hope you have some insight. Since her affair, my wife and I have been both very committed to making our marriage what it should be.\u00a0 We have been reading the Bible, meeting with counselors, meeting with our pastor, etc.\u00a0\u00a0I am very confident in her commitment and mine.\u00a0 I have been focusing on my…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[20],"tags":[66],"class_list":["post-27994","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-answer","tag-adultery"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":27853,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/should-i-take-back-my-adulterous-wife\/","url_meta":{"origin":27994,"position":0},"title":"Should I take back my adulterous wife?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"June 28, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I recently discovered my wife of nearly ten years has been involved in an extra-marital affair for about a year.\u00a0 It came as a complete shock to me because of my complete faith in our commitment to each other.\u00a0 I was terribly mistaken in my trust.\u00a0 We have been\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":36050,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/affair-proofing-your-marriage\/","url_meta":{"origin":27994,"position":1},"title":"Affair-Proofing Your Marriage","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"June 22, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"by Mark Broyles via\u00a0Biblical Insights, Vol. 7, No. 1, January 2007 The prevalence of infidelity in marriage is staggering. If it was only a problem in the lives of those apart from God it would still be discouraging, but the truth is that the amount of marriages among our brethren\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Article"","block_context":{"text":"Article","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/article\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/YoungLovers6-259x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":12149,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/am-i-being-selfish-asking-my-wife-for-sex-after-having-an-emotional-affair-with-another-woman\/","url_meta":{"origin":27994,"position":2},"title":"Am I being selfish asking my wife for sex after having an emotional affair with another woman?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"September 6, 2007","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Last year I became involved in an emotional affair with my ex-girlfriend. During that time I was very hurtful to my wife. The affair ended, I came to my senses and am in counseling right now. I know that I caused a lot of damage to our marriage and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":19639,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/my-wife-committed-adultery-we-repaired-the-marriage-but-i-still-hurt-what-can-i-do\/","url_meta":{"origin":27994,"position":3},"title":"My wife committed adultery. We repaired the marriage, but I still hurt. What can I do?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"July 28, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: The letter written to regarding the woman with the adulterous affair really hit home. My wife after 30 years cheated on me with another man. I have forgiven her. She did not tell me, I found out and I have been torn ever since. It has been a year\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":43479,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/my-wife-is-having-an-affair-and-wants-a-divorce-what-do-i-need-to-do\/","url_meta":{"origin":27994,"position":4},"title":"My wife is having an affair and wants a divorce. What do I need to do?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"September 10, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Hello, My wife and I have been married for 15 years. For over five years I have been dealing with jealousy issues because of flirting and her having emotional-type affairs with other men. I felt like my masculinity was in question and if I said the way she was\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":44878,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/i-havent-been-faithful-in-my-marriage-but-i-cant-stop-thinking-about-what-my-wife-did-before-our-marriage\/","url_meta":{"origin":27994,"position":5},"title":"I haven’t been faithful in my marriage, but I can’t stop thinking about what my wife did before our marriage","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"March 17, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: My wife cheated on me in the first month of our relationship while we were dating. She confessed to me immediately. I know she was really sorry, though I myself was sleeping around at the time too. 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