I recently discovered my wife of nearly ten years has been involved in an extra-marital affair for about a year.\u00a0 It came as a complete shock to me because of my complete faith in our commitment to each other.\u00a0 I was terribly mistaken in my trust.\u00a0 We have been seeing a counselor and many issues that contributed to our breakdown have come out.\u00a0 I recently discovered that she has not been content in our relationship for the past several years.\u00a0\u00a0 I am beginning to question whether we are right for each other.\u00a0 She did choose me over the other man, but I feel her motivation for that choice may be based on her head and not her heart.\u00a0 Intimacy for her has been very hard and I feel that she is still harboring feelings for the other man as well as resentment for me.\u00a0 I am in need of encouragement and reassurance which I do feel I am getting from her.\u00a0 I have been so shocked not just by the affair but also by her discontent with our relationship (for so long) that I do not know where to begin.\u00a0 I am willing to work at this but I am not as confident that we will be able to get back to where we need to be.\u00a0 I guess I felt that bad influences, emotional stresses, losses, etc. over the past year or so had led to her infidelity, but now I think it goes much deeper than that.\u00a0 If two people have such different views of the quality of a relationship, and infidelity is present should they continue to try to reconcile.<\/p>\n
Thank you again for your help.<\/p>\n\t
Why do you discount a choice made by sound reasoning? Especially when the Bible states that the heart is not to be trusted? “He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered”<\/em>\u00a0(Proverbs 28:26).<\/p>\n I don’t know the reasons your wife decided to stay with you and work things out. But if you keep holding back your commitment to the marriage, those issues will grow instead of becoming resolved.<\/p>\n God has always hated divorce. ““For the LORD God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the LORD of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously”<\/em>” (Malachi 2:16). Even when He gave permission to divorce with the right to remarry because of adultery, it was an allowance, not a demand. The wording of Matthew 19:9 indicates a sinful state that is not repented of. So given that your wife has repented of her sins and wants to work on the marriage, then as a Christian, it is your obligation to forgive her and also repair the breach. “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses<\/em>” (Matthew 6:14-15).<\/p>\n\t Thank you so much for your words. It is amazing to me how what you said was exactly what I needed to hear. Doubt is such a destructive thing and it was beginning to challenge my resolve. Your thoughts helped me remember that the choice you spoke of is not just deciding to stay together, but also the choice to marry her and make her my wife in the first place. I am going to try to focus on my commitment and obligation to her and God and not on my doubts. Thank you again.<\/p>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Question: I recently discovered my wife of nearly ten years has been involved in an extra-marital affair for about a year.\u00a0 It came as a complete shock to me because of my complete faith in our commitment to each other.\u00a0 I was terribly mistaken in my trust.\u00a0 We have been seeing a counselor and many…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_seo_schema_type":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[20],"tags":[66],"class_list":["post-27853","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-answer","tag-adultery"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":87118,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/how-do-i-straighten-out-the-mess-ive-made\/","url_meta":{"origin":27853,"position":0},"title":"How do I straighten out the mess I’ve made?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"May 10, 2025","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Dear servant of God, For 17 years now, I have lived with the woman I consider my wife because we have three children together. Last year, she slept out in another man's house while on a trip to our home area, and I immediately realized what was happening. Once\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":29698,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/i-recently-found-out-my-ex-wife-was-married-before-we-married-is-my-second-marriage-proper\/","url_meta":{"origin":27853,"position":1},"title":"I recently found out my ex-wife was married before we married. Is my second marriage proper?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"October 24, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Hello, I was married to a woman I recently discovered was married previously. She never told me that she was married, for if she had, I would not have married her. In less than a year, she divorced me for irreconcilable differences. About two years later, I married again.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":28206,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/if-a-spouse-broke-a-breach-of-promise-to-marry-someone-else-does-that-mean-our-marriage-isnt-valid\/","url_meta":{"origin":27853,"position":2},"title":"If a spouse broke a breach of promise to marry someone else, does that mean our marriage isn’t valid?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"July 26, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I have another question for you about marriage. While my wife has never been legally married, she was engaged in the state of South Carolina. I recently discovered a law in South Carolina called breach of promise. Are you familiar with this law?\u00a0 From what I understood from the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":43479,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/my-wife-is-having-an-affair-and-wants-a-divorce-what-do-i-need-to-do\/","url_meta":{"origin":27853,"position":3},"title":"My wife is having an affair and wants a divorce. What do I need to do?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"September 10, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Hello, My wife and I have been married for 15 years. For over five years I have been dealing with jealousy issues because of flirting and her having emotional-type affairs with other men. I felt like my masculinity was in question and if I said the way she was\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":32873,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/my-wife-continued-to-see-another-man-while-we-were-supposedly-working-on-rebuilding-our-marriage-what-do-i-do\/","url_meta":{"origin":27853,"position":4},"title":"My wife continued to see another man while we were supposedly working on rebuilding our marriage. What do I do?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"May 14, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I wish I had better news for you.\u00a0 After nearly a year of counseling, talking, and working on our marriage (so I thought), I have discovered that my wife never really gave up the other man.\u00a0 They began communicating only two months after the last attempt at reconciliation. Just\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":24160,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/can-my-wife-or-i-remarry-after-the-divorce\/","url_meta":{"origin":27853,"position":5},"title":"Can my wife or I remarry after the divorce?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"July 30, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: My story: My wife and I are Christians. A few years ago my wife had an affair. I forgave her. But since that time I have been the spouse who has pretty much carried the relationship. I suggested counseling and suggested a closer walk with God. I notified my\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27853","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=27853"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27853\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=27853"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=27853"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=27853"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Response:<\/h2>\n