I went looking for answers on the web because I too had committed adultery, but it was many years ago when I was young. I was a virgin at the time \u2013 very naive about matters in regards to men and women.\u00a0 I was born into a strict Italian home with a harsh Dad whom I knew loved me and a gentle loving Mum.\u00a0 I was an obedient child and was punished if I did not do things exactly like Dad wanted which made me timider and gave me low self-worth.\u00a0 I developed the habit of looking to others for approval and love which I wasn\u2019t aware of until when much older through making many painful mistakes.\u00a0 I know mistakes are good for us because these are the way we can learn. There was no sex education as a child or on how to deal with people who were manipulative.\u00a0 My parents did not speak of the \u201cbad\u201d that could happen if one got involved with the \u201cwrong\u201d types.\u00a0 So I saw all as beautiful and to be trusted, and I loved them no matter who they were.\u00a0 I always made excuses, looking past negatives and only believed that loving others was what God wanted.\u00a0 Now I am wiser with years of heartache learning the hard way that one has to listen to the Spirit and if there is pain\u00a0 – beware and withdraw!\u00a0 Do not keep company with those who live ungodly lives.\u00a0 And I have also learned that it is only God we can fully trust first and then our husband, family, and true friends, but always putting God before all.<\/p>\n
At the time I was a lonely person who suddenly felt that she had a purpose and this was to bring souls to Christ.\u00a0 Then I met this man at work, he was far older than I, over twice my age – I saw him as safe.\u00a0 He approached me and told me he loved me.\u00a0 I immediately told him that I don\u2019t get involved with married men.\u00a0 I saw how down he was and felt obligated to help him; me, an unexperienced person in every way!\u00a0 I thought Jesus had put him in my path to bring him to God.\u00a0 He had marriage problems and wanted me to comfort him and be his friend.\u00a0 I felt pressure to do this and I agonized over this for months still trying to be supportive.\u00a0 I finally asked myself what would Jesus do and my naive response was \u201cbe kind and loving towards him\u201d and so I put myself in a painful position for my God, which I know now was harmful and God would never expect this of me.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t even aware of the sin of adultery.\u00a0 Being a lonely person with no real friend I felt good that at least someone loved me, wanted to be my friend and was doing good.\u00a0 As time wore on I tried to stop this man from seeking me out as I wanted to be left alone, but he wouldn\u2019t and I was unable to escape because I loved my work.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know about having a choice, ignorant of certain Scriptures, assertion, my rights, etc. that is heard everywhere today.\u00a0 Hard to believe, but it happens when you are too sheltered from life.\u00a0 The Catholic upbringing I had failed me miserably.<\/p>\n
I gradually accepted more that it was God\u2019s will this man was in my life and that I had to help him and became emotionally attached and confused at the same time.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t speak to my parents because of the fear of being punished as well as the priests and nuns who were also rigid and unapproachable.\u00a0 I was alone throughout the entire experience which lasted several agonizing years.\u00a0 Of course, things got out of hand, and we became sexual with each other, but with me always saying “no” to sex.\u00a0 Eventually, he gently forced himself on me and me being worn out, let him do what he wanted.\u00a0 Sex happened twice.\u00a0 I felt helpless. I eventually found a way to escape by taking time off work and being away from him and found strength and wisdom to stop all contact.\u00a0 I have asked God\u2019s forgiveness many times, but I still feel ashamed of myself.\u00a0 I know we are all sinners but I feel this is the worst sin I could have committed.\u00a0 It is totally against what I believe and my values and principles.\u00a0 I punish myself for being so gullible and weak.\u00a0 How can I forgive myself? I know God has forgiven me and has shown me His blessings by sending me a husband. It is ridiculous that I still agonize over it after all these years.\u00a0 Forgiveness was not present in my childhood as my Dad was a very unforgiving man and the Italian culture and people around me were also like this.\u00a0 So I have not learned the ability to forgive myself, rather being hard on myself and seeing myself as having committed the unforgivable sin.\u00a0 If I am to look at it all this in a positive light, I am a wiser, more compassionate and less judgmental person today and grateful for a wonderful marriage.<\/p>\n
I would truly appreciate any kind, wise words you can offer me to help me.\u00a0 My poor husband has also had enough. My apologies for going into detail, but it is important for me to tell someone about it.<\/p>\n
Many thanks and awaiting your reply.<\/p>\n\t
It appears that in many ways you still have some growing up to do. God doesn’t rate sins as people like to do. Sin is breaking God’s Laws (I John 4:3), it doesn’t matter which laws or in what way they are broken. You had sinned in the past, that is merely a fact and makes you no different than every other person in the world (Romans 3:23). But it appears you can’t accept the fact that you have the potential to sin. “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us<\/em>” (I John 1:8). You are beating yourself up over the fact that you thought you would not sin and you gave in anyway.<\/p>\n One of the things I noticed in your note is that you are working hard at telling yourself that you didn’t know better. That eases the pain of facing the fact that you sinned in the past. The problem is that you did know better. It leaks out throughout your note. You told the man that you don’t get involved with married men. Thus you indicate that you knew it was wrong on some level. What happened is that you let Satan deceive you into ignoring your conscience. As he kept propositioning you, you responded with “no,” which again says you knew what he was asking of you was wrong. But you didn’t have the strength of character to match your words to action at that time.<\/p>\n Won’t it be better to face the fact that years ago you were naive, weak-willed, and too eager to please people, instead of pleasing God? Isn’t it a fact that you’ve grown. You’re wiser today and know that God comes first — period. You still have some work to do in developing a backbone, but you are better today than you were years ago. As Paul told the Corinthians, “Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong<\/em>” (I Corinthians 16:13).<\/p>\n This living in fear of the past doesn’t profit you, your husband, or your family. It undermines your faith because you are putting yourself above God. How? Notice that you said you know God has forgiven you, but you can’t forgive yourself. So who are you letting rule in your life?<\/p>\n You have a story that can teach others. You know from personal experience that all of God’s word needs to be taught, even the embarrassing parts, because young people need to arm themselves against Satan’s schemes. “Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil<\/em>” (Ephesians 6:10-11). You know what happens when someone tries to fight partly armored.\u00a0 While you don’t have to share the embarrassing details from your own life, you can be a voice to say to tell others that if God saw fit to mention them in His word, then there is a reason we need to pass them on to our children and that you know it is true from your own past. They need to know both what is wrong and why it is wrong.<\/p>\n\t Thank you very much for your wise counsel and for being honest with me. Yes, I do have some growing up to do and you have shown me areas that I need to mature in.\u00a0\u00a0I will continue to ponder on your words with an open heart to God.\u00a0 I am truly grateful for the time and effort you have gone to, to instruct me as you have. It has helped me greatly. \u00a0You are an answer to prayer and a blessing. Your congregation is also blessed for having you.<\/p>\n A problem I have is that I take my eyes off our Lord, then lose His peace, and am prey to Satan. He then rules me with fear by bringing up the past and causing me to feel guilty for something I have already repented from my heart and have been forgiven forever by God. Jesus has shown me repeatedly that my fears, worries, etc. are for nothing. Everything always works out for the best. I need His strength for more faith and trust in His unconditional love, His total forgiveness which is forever, and His wonderful plan for me.<\/p>\n Wishing God\u2019s richest blessings for you, your family and your congregation.\u00a0 You will all be in my prayers.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Question: I went looking for answers on the web because I too had committed adultery, but it was many years ago when I was young. I was a virgin at the time \u2013 very naive about matters in regards to men and women.\u00a0 I was born into a strict Italian home with a harsh Dad…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[20],"tags":[66,1571],"class_list":["post-19210","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-answer","tag-adultery","tag-forgiveness"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":38646,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/the-man-i-committed-adultery-with-is-trying-to-force-me-to-marry-him-what-should-i-do\/","url_meta":{"origin":19210,"position":0},"title":"The man I committed adultery with is trying to force me to marry him. What should I do?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"April 26, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I have a child whom I had with a man to whom I am not married. Actually, I'm still married to another man whom I left because of physical, and mental, and emotional abuse. My child's father has since been confirmed to the Catholic church. He calls our child\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":54005,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/if-i-committed-adultery-in-the-past-does-that-mean-i-can-never-marry\/","url_meta":{"origin":19210,"position":1},"title":"If I committed adultery in the past, does that mean I can never marry?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"August 26, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Hello brother, After studying the Bible more, I look back on my life and feel ashamed of the sinful acts I've committed. I'm now at the point where I'm ready to marry, but I wonder if I scripturally can. I've never been married, but in my past, I have\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":27249,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/i-know-my-wife-committed-adultery-after-she-filed-for-divorce-do-i-have-the-right-to-remarry\/","url_meta":{"origin":19210,"position":2},"title":"I know my wife committed adultery after she filed for divorce. Do I have the right to remarry?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"April 16, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I am a member of the church and have been for many years, (although my faith has been weak for the past few years, I have now come back to the Lord.\u00a0 Here is my situation and question: I have struggled with pornography for many years while married.\u00a0 My\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":48071,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/if-a-man-marries-someone-who-lies-about-her-right-to-marry-is-he-an-adulterer-for-the-rest-of-his-life\/","url_meta":{"origin":19210,"position":3},"title":"If a man marries someone who lies about her right to marry, is he an adulterer for the rest of his life?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"May 3, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Dear Jeff, I would so greatly appreciate hearing from you. I have read the material on your website regarding marriage, divorce, and remarriage. But I have a special situation I feel unable to sort through regarding a very dear brother in Christ. He was deceived by his first wife.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":28927,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/should-i-divorce-can-i-remarry\/","url_meta":{"origin":19210,"position":4},"title":"Should I divorce? Can I remarry?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"September 12, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I am in need of your assistance, please. Your insight and views would be most appreciated with regards to my current situation. I will try and keep things as brief as possible yet provide you with as much detail as I possibly can, too. When I met my husband,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":27511,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/can-i-marry-again-after-divorcing-my-husband-for-adultery-even-though-i-once-committed-adultery-years-ago\/","url_meta":{"origin":19210,"position":5},"title":"Can I marry again after divorcing my husband for adultery, even though I once committed adultery years ago?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"May 22, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: My husband was grossly involved with and even addicted to pornography. His obsession with porn went beyond the normal curiosity that people have with it. We separated for a year. I had an affair out of foolishness and retaliation because he refused to put away the pornography. I repented\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19210","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19210"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19210\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19210"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19210"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19210"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Response:<\/h2>\n