Raising Godly Children in a Wicked World<\/a>.<\/p>\n\tFrom a Sister in Christ<\/h3>\n
Your desire for your children to have a close relationship is close to my heart. I have two children. A boy who is 16 and a girl who is 14. When I was pregnant with the second I found a book at the library about avoiding sibling rivalry. There are only a couple of\u00a0points that I still remember. One was to make them a team. Never pit them against each other.<\/p>\n
Also, never compare them to each other, i.e. “Look at how good your sister is behaving, you should act like that, too.” They should only be compared to your standard of acceptable behavior (which is based on God’s). They should be commended for who they are and not told which sibling they should be like. Each person is their own person and that’s okay. Every personality has strengths and weaknesses. Encourage and celebrate their strengths and coach and mold their weaknesses. (There is a GREAT book about personalities.\u00a0Personality Plus<\/u>\u00a0by Florence Littauer I can’t recommend this book enough! I believe it will help every relationship you have – especially with your spouse. There is also a\u00a0Personality Plus For Parents<\/u>\u00a0– it’s very helpful in identifying your children’s personalities.)<\/p>\n
I have always told my kids that they are each other’s best friend and that our home is a sanctuary. That these four walls are a safe place. That we don’t attack each other and are always loyal to each other.<\/p>\n
I’m sure the book explained it better, but those are the main points that I took from the book and put to use the day Rebecca was born. To this day, my kids are friends. They can bicker and sometimes fight, but not too often. They tease a lot<\/strong>, but the rule is that everyone has to be having fun. It’s not funny if someone is being hurt. They are fiercely loyal to each other and protective of one another.<\/p>\nAs I mentioned, my kids are teens. So far so good. I don’t mean to say that and make it sound like it won’t last, but I am realistic enough to know that we have a ways to go before they are adults. We do have it good. They have their frustrating moods occasionally, but not the rebellious spirit that so many teens can exhibit.\u00a0We were\u00a0having a “phase” with one of the kids where one of them was so moody and irritable. I got to dreading having to say “no” to something or having to discipline because of the argumentative attitude that would inevitably surface. One day, I told the child about how I felt and reminded them\u00a0what my job as a parent is and what their job as a child is. The child was silent for about 5 minutes, then quietly\u00a0apologized and we’ve had\u00a0a lot less\u00a0of the moodiness since then. What a blessing to have the relationship that we do. I am sure we have it because of how much time we spend together, who they do <\/b>spend their time with, outside of our four walls, and <\/b>who they do not <\/b>spend time with.<\/p>\n
I’m not sure that I can speak much about dealing with sibling arguments. My kids don’t argue a lot. When they do now, I let them try to work it out. I believe they are building skills in dealing with difficult situations. I won’t always be there for them so they need to learn to sort things out on their own. When they were little we did get in the middle of it. We tried to teach them to be respectful and listen to the other guy’s side of it. It was kind of like reffing at a hockey game, without the hockey part.<\/p>\n
Hope this helps!<\/p>\n\t
From a Sister in Christ<\/h3>\n
I think this has been the biggest factor in our two oldest children becoming friends.\u00a0 In younger years, they did their share of bickering.\u00a0 I won’t give details, because they might <\/b>be embarrassed now.\u00a0 \ud83d\ude42\u00a0 But when our son was around 13, and our daughter around 11, we told them repeatedly, in essence,\u00a0 “The day may come when\u00a0each other<\/em>\u00a0is the only <\/b>choice you have for a\u00a0friend.”\u00a0 It proved to be true, and they eventually became very close, and confidantes to each other.\u00a0 We were thrilled to see this happen.<\/p>\nOur youngest son is now living the life of an only child, but he always looks forward to his older brother coming home and looks for excuses to call his sister and talk to her on the phone.\u00a0 We miss having them both here for him, but that’s what happens when you have a child “late in life”\u00a0 (Ha!\u00a0 I was 36!)\u00a0 Anyway, though personality inevitably plays a role, make sure you view them as friends, and communicate that to them, even when it may not be true … yet.<\/em><\/p>\n\tFrom a Sister in Christ<\/h3>\n
Everyone has given such good advice so far!\u00a0 Encouraging friendship, I also, think is key.\u00a0 My Mom used to say to me, when your kids seem to be arguing, wanting attention, or in general not \u2018behaving\u2019 and letting you get done whatever you think is so important to get done — stop. Take them all outside (even though I wound up only having two) and go for a walk together. \u00a0Talk to them, together.\u00a0 Walk and talk and be happy. \u00a0Don\u2019t lecture, don\u2019t yell, don\u2019t be angry.\u00a0 Just be together and walk, if possible in nature.\u00a0 Let your kids be in the grass, play catch, Frisbee, wade in a creek, hike down a short path — even in the middle of town — just get out of your house and give your kids some undivided attention.\u00a0 And if she was here today, she would add, turn off your cell phone.\u00a0 You aren\u2019t that important.\u00a0 But your kids are!\u00a0 She was a great one for getting my kids dirty! \u00a0And as a kid, my sister and I didn\u2019t fight much.\u00a0 We were taught from the beginning that this is the only sister we will ever get and she will always be here for me. \u00a0It\u2019s true.\u00a0 Even though she lives seven hours from me, she\u2019s still here for me, anytime. \u00a0My boys are good friends.\u00a0 They are now 16 and 19. \u00a0And yes, we are enjoying every phase of life with them!\u00a0 We don\u2019t allow meanness in our house.\u00a0 My husband and I are not mean to each other. \u00a0Maybe it starts with that.\u00a0 Your kids will copy how you treat each other and they need time with each of you daily.\u00a0 Make them each feel special and they will treat others special also. \u00a0I don\u2019t mean spoiled.\u00a0 There\u2019s a difference!\u00a0 Brats are never enjoyable.\u00a0 Make your kids people you want to spend time with and they will want to spend time with each other.<\/p>\n\t
From a Sister in Christ<\/h3>\n
I agree with all the comments that have been made concerning this issue.\u00a0 I can attest to the success of those suggestions that have been made.\u00a0 The only thing I want to add relates to the original question that people say that sibling fighting is normal and unavoidable.\u00a0 Her comparison to teenage defiance shows her accurate assessment of this concept.\u00a0 The fact that something is common does not make it normal or okay.\u00a0 I feel that the acceptance that sibling rivalry is normal and unavoidable contributes to the problem. The Bible does not teach us that sibling rivalry is normal.\u00a0 We are given the example of love for a brother as being one of the closest relationships you can experience.\u00a0\u00a0 Christians are encouraged to recognize that our relationship is to be that of brothers and sisters.\u00a0 I hardly think that God is desiring that we all fuss with each other the way society portrays brothers and sisters doing as normal.\u00a0 Much like the way our culture celebrates disrespect for parents, particularly fathers, it also celebrates sibling rivalry.\u00a0 Children on TV are shown to say and do really nasty things to each other and it is all supposed to be funny.\u00a0 The better you are at mistreating your brother the “cooler” you are.\u00a0 I think it is part of the movement to break down the family unit.\u00a0 Is it any wonder that people have so much trouble getting along or having healthy relationships with anybody when the most basic relationships are being so terribly maligned?<\/p>\n
We never accepted this premise of sibling fighting being normal or unavoidable in our home.\u00a0 Our children were taught to respect each other, as well as to love each other at the beginning of their lives.\u00a0 The effort has paid off.\u00a0 They treat each other and others with kindness and respect.\u00a0 I’m not saying there is never any disagreement, but I can say that they understand the proper way to handle those times.<\/p>\n\t
From a Sister in Christ:<\/h3>\n
I agree! Too many times we accept behavior just because it is “normal” by the world’s standards — if that is what you would call it.\u00a0 Something that comes to mind is a few years ago a young lady from our congregation had a boyfriend visiting on a Sunday evening.\u00a0 As he was leaving the church parking lot he spun his tires out and sped away from the building.\u00a0 I turned to the young lady and said something about that not being the kind of guy she deserved.\u00a0 I began to say that his behavior was childish, but her mother interrupted me and said it was normal<\/strong>!\u00a0 “He’s just being a normal<\/u><\/em>\u00a0teenager!”\u00a0 I sincerely believe she was trying to make the point that our kids weren’t normal because they are not allowed to behave that way.<\/p>\nAs far as siblings go.\u00a0 I think the age difference can make a huge difference.\u00a0 We don’t always have control over that of course, but if we do it can make all the difference.\u00a0 (That is not to say that siblings with large age gaps can’t be close.)\u00a0 My sons are two and a half years apart and are very close!\u00a0 I can safely say that they are best friends.\u00a0 We too, do not allow the name-calling or hitting.\u00a0 (At 22 and 19 they don’t do that as much…lol)\u00a0 As they get older they may call each other names in jest or even little pet names that are said with affection.\u00a0 My boys used to call each other ugly — knowing full well that they look so much alike that people mix them up.\u00a0 \ud83d\ude42\u00a0 It is done in jest (with a smile) and they know it isn’t a serious jab.<\/p>\n
They have their disagreements.\u00a0 When they were younger we tried to let them work it out on their own as long as it didn’t involve hitting. Then we intervened and sat down with them individually to sort it all out.\u00a0 I have known of families who would let their kids actually fistfight to “work it out.”\u00a0 Some even went so far as to get them boxing gloves and pound on each other!\u00a0 I found this to be awful!\u00a0 What if we do that as adults?\u00a0 In the church?\u00a0 Sometimes I think people leave their common sense in the delivery room!<\/p>\n\t
From a Sister in Christ:<\/h3>\n
I have been thinking about the sibling issues which have been well-addressed and discussed but have a “tip” or idea I’d like to share.<\/p>\n
Basically, when kids are squabbling they are “asking” to be separated – either to do their own thing or get individual parental attention or whatever.<\/p>\n
My rule for me as a mom:<\/p>\n
Don’t reward negative behavior\u00a0by\u00a0giving\u00a0a child(ren)\u00a0what he\/they want<\/u>. Just like you don’t get a candy bar in the grocery store for pitching a fit, don’t give them individual attention or a break from siblings because they are squabbling and having fits.<\/p>\n
Make them sit together on the couch until they are nice to one another. Or hug until they are nice (I wanted smiles and\/or giggles – evidence of liking each other).<\/p>\n\t
From a Sister in Christ:<\/h3>\n
The last idea reminds me of a memorable event we have. My children were about 9 and 7 at the time. They were irritated with each other and antagonizing each other. We were in a public place and something <\/b>needed to be done. I sat them down in chairs facing each other with the front of the chairs touching and their cross-legged knees touching. I told them to stay there until they were told they could move. Within a few minutes, they were having the time of their life together. To this day they think that was brilliant. At the time I had no idea what I was doing and was surprised to find that it had worked! I didn’t tell them I didn’t know what I was doing. (I hope you’ll all keep my secret, too!)<\/p>\n
I agree with the idea of going for a walk. Change the atmosphere. Get some exercise! Those endorphins do amazing things\u00a0for us all!<\/p>\n
One more thing that I’m sure we all know is pray, pray, pray<\/strong>. Pray daily for your children and for yourself as a parent. Ask God to guide\u00a0each child to become the best\u00a0they can be. Ask God to guide your every step, thought, and action. I also pray for the future spouse(s) of my children and for their parents. He has promised to help and guide us when we ask. We may not always know what to do, but He does.<\/p>\n\tFrom a Sister in Christ:<\/h3>\n
I used this “Solving a Problem” method when I was teaching school. Only I called it Knees to Nose. The two that were in the disagreeing mode had to sit a chair facing each other Knee to Nose. Almost every single<\/strong> time, they were laughing and smiling within a very few minutes.<\/p>\nI also did this with my two daughters. In fact, maybe I’ll reuse it one of these days! Ha!<\/p>\n\t
From a Sister in Christ:<\/h3>\n
I have appreciated hearing everyone\u2019s comments. \u00a0We have found that what has promoted sibling love in our family is the fact that we sit together every day and read the Bible, sing a song and pray aloud for each other. \u00a0We also use this time to address any issues that may be bothering someone. \u00a0\u00a0An apology is expected immediately when one of them has said hurtful words. \u00a0They have to look at each other to speak the apology and when they were younger they had to embrace. \u00a0It is a constant challenge, but a growing experience for all of us.<\/p>\n\t
From a Sister in Christ:<\/h3>\n
I’m completely absorbing all of your comments about siblings. My kids (6, 8, and 10) get along fairly well, but often there is an undercurrent of what Bill Cosby calls brain damage: “Stop touching me, stop touching me, stop touching me!” We try to enforce the fact that since the Garden of Eden, it has been God’s rule that the command is given once and the children were expected to obey. If Mommy and Daddy say “do it” or “don’t do it,” you must obey immediately. We carry that through to sibling relationships. If your brother or sister asks you to stop doing something that is bothering him or her, then he or she should only have to ask you once. Beyond that, you are being a pest. We’re not always perfect in getting them to adhere, but it’s getting better.<\/p>\n\t
From a Sister in Christ:<\/h3>\n
I know these have been briefly addressed but I just wanted to share our family rules on the matter, too: If a sibling said the “magic” words, “Please stop”, then our kids knew it was in their best interest to stop –immediately. (I remember, several times, when we were at other people’s houses, our kids discovered those “magic words” didn’t work and they were so confused!) \ud83d\ude41<\/p>\n
The other thing touched on was: if both parties were not having fun, then it wasn’t fun <\/b>and it had better stop, too.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Question: I was reading some thoughts shared recently by those who are finishing up their years of homeschooling their children.\u00a0 One thing that struck me, in particular, was one mother’s mention of how she enjoyed her children’s teenage years.\u00a0 That is really something!\u00a0 My five daughters currently range in age from 1 year to almost…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[20,1031,1028,1032],"tags":[665,29,107],"class_list":["post-15093","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-answer","category-childhood","category-parenting","category-preteen","tag-child-rearing","tag-parenting","tag-raising-children"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":92445,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/how-do-we-keep-our-younger-children-from-imitating-their-older-rebelious-sibling\/","url_meta":{"origin":15093,"position":0},"title":"How do we keep our younger children from imitating their older rebelious sibling?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"December 5, 2025","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I wanted to write in with a quick update regarding \"How do we deal with a rebellious teenage daughter?\": Our daughter was less than enthusiastic about this idea at first. We decided to make it a small group of teens, and she was mortified at the idea of us\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":10035,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/how-can-a-parent-spank-a-teenage-athlete\/","url_meta":{"origin":15093,"position":1},"title":"How can a parent spank a teenage athlete?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"May 29, 2007","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I have read some of the responses to Christian parents questions on spanking their children and teenagers. Many of my friends have trouble with their teenagers and often think of using it. The thing is what would a parent do with a teenager who is athletic, a soccer player,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2103,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/may-i-correspond-with-you-about-parenting-issues\/","url_meta":{"origin":15093,"position":2},"title":"May I correspond with you about parenting issues?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"January 24, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Greetings, I recently came across your church's website and wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed it. I am the father of two teenage boys, 13 and 15. I came to Christianity late in life, so it has only been in the last few years that I\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":21045,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/what-can-i-do-about-my-teenage-sons-obsession-with-diapers-and-his-hiding-food-in-his-closet\/","url_meta":{"origin":15093,"position":3},"title":"What can I do about my teenage son’s obsession with diapers and his hiding food in his closet?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"November 17, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: I have a question regarding my teenage son's obsession with diapers. I have found out he has been on inappropriate web sites about diapers. This has been going on for about three years that we know of. The school found he was on a diaper site, and in fifth\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Adolescence"","block_context":{"text":"Adolescence","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/parenting\/adolescence\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":34794,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/can-having-imaginary-friends-prevent-you-from-entering-heaven\/","url_meta":{"origin":15093,"position":4},"title":"Can having imaginary friends prevent you from entering Heaven?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"May 1, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Hello, I have an odd question for you. Can having imaginary friends prevent you from entering Heaven? Answer: I must say, your question was not one I would have expected. Just over 1\/3 of children invent imaginary friends. Those who do invent imaginary friends tend to be the oldest\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":8962,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/how-do-i-find-someone-to-spank-my-teenage-son\/","url_meta":{"origin":15093,"position":5},"title":"How do I find someone to spank my teenage son?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"September 2, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Hello, I have a question. I\u2019m a single mother of a 16-year-old boy and I don\u2019t want to spank him, though he needs it and nothing else seems to work. Any recommendations or ideas of who I could reach out to who might be willing to mentor him? 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