If a child lies about something but eventually tells the truth under pressure, should she be punished for not telling the truth in the first place, or will that just encourage her to persist in the lie the next time?\u00a0 It seems to me we should be teaching them that the right thing to do is tell the truth immediately.\u00a0 Any other pattern equals deception.\u00a0 Right?<\/p>\n\t
Lying is wrong and should be punished. When a child is caught but doesn’t admit to wrongdoing, the punishment is severe. When a child admits a lie, then the punishment is reduced. (See God’s treatment of David in II Samuel 12:7-14 and notice the reduction in terms when David admitted he had sinned.)<\/p>\n
Punishing wrongdoing is not “encouragement” to persist in wrongdoing. That is a modern-day myth that actually has no foundation in reality. What encourages wrongdoing is when a child gets away with wrongdoing, either by lack of discovery or by the wrong being ignored when it is discovered (Ecclesiastes 8:11). It creates a gambler’s streak where a person contemplates wrong and starts to think well maybe this time I’ll get away with it again.<\/p>\n\t
We went through this a while ago with our son and it was really hard on me.\u00a0 I was unprepared for how much it hurt when he would look me straight in the eye and lie to me.\u00a0 I talked to him about what a big deal it was and we got out the Bible, but it didn’t stop.\u00a0 I was unsure of how to discipline him because he would get really upset and finally burst out with the truth through the tears and I was just beside myself.\u00a0 What I decided to do, after much prayer and thought on the subject, was to discipline for every lie.\u00a0 We usually reserve spanking for outright defiance, and I thought that lying fell in this category.\u00a0 Sometimes, I was unsure that it was the right thing to do because the truth always came out when he was pressed for it.\u00a0 I spanked him for every lie, no matter how small.\u00a0 After I did this, I made sure that we talked about it in great detail and I explained why it had to be this way and what he could have done differently.\u00a0 I tried to explain to him that although he might have to be disciplined even when he tells me the truth about something, I would be proud of him and God would be happy with him for telling the truth.\u00a0 I also told him that he would feel much better about himself for doing the right thing.\u00a0 This went on for a while until one day his little sister started crying when they were in the playroom together.\u00a0 I asked him what had happened and I come to expect him to lie about it.\u00a0 He took a deep breath and said, ” I don’t know.”\u00a0 I knew it was a lie, but before I could even respond to him, he hung his head and said, “That’s not true. That’s a lie. I was throwing toys out of the toy box and I accidentally hit her with one. I didn’t do it on purpose, but I made her cry.”\u00a0 I was so happy.\u00a0 I made him apologize to his sister and then I gave him the biggest hug and told him how proud I was that he told me the truth.\u00a0 We had quite a moment and he was so proud of himself.\u00a0 It was a hard one on him and me, but I think that we have passed it.\u00a0 I believe that he tells me the truth now and I no longer hate to ask him a question for the fear that the answer will be a lie.\u00a0 I am just hoping that this will help you a little.\u00a0 It is hard to discipline when they are already upset, but it is necessary for this situation, I think.\u00a0 I just wanted you to know that you are not alone on this.\u00a0 It’s a hard one.\u00a0 I know, because I’ve been there.<\/p>\n\t
I just wanted to add a couple of thoughts.\u00a0 One is by way of encouragement.\u00a0 It has been our experience with all six of our normal seven children (one is mentally retarded, so it’s not quite the same), that children typically begin lying by age four.\u00a0 It’s a normal developmental thing, which is\u00a0not<\/strong>\u00a0to say that it shouldn’t be punished, it should, and quite consistently, or it becomes a much more serious problem.<\/p>\n I have a theory about this: When they are younger children are not aware that their parents cannot see everything they can. We see this when they are looking at a book and tell us to look at the picture, but they are holding the book so only they can see it.\u00a0 At some point, they begin to understand that their parents do not see and know everything, and this is fascinating to them.\u00a0 They experiment with it, like a child poking his finger through a hole in a sweater.\u00a0 Quite often at this stage, their lies don’t even make sense; it’s just silly to lie about the things they lie about.\u00a0 The more they get away with it, the more they lie, and then they begin to fully realize the possibilities of deception and their lies become more specific and purposeful.\u00a0 If this doesn’t get dealt with every single time, it becomes habitual.<\/p>\n Anyway, that’s just my theory. I know quite often people are devastated when their children begin telling lies, sure that they’ve done something wrong to cause this.\u00a0 So I just wanted to offer that as encouragement: you don’t have to have done anything wrong for your children to have begun lying.\u00a0 They will, nearly all of them, begin by age four, no matter what their parenting has been.\u00a0 It must be dealt with, of course, it just needn’t bring to mind visions of a lifetime of criminal activity and ruin for the child, which is how I felt the first time I realized I was being deceived by my child.<\/p>\n We had this problem with our oldest because I couldn’t believe she would really lie to me.\u00a0 I should have caught on sooner than I did, but I was naive, so I let her get away with it much longer than I should have.\u00a0 I had to learn to discipline for lying\u00a0every<\/strong> single time, no matter what.\u00a0 I did make a mistake once or twice and did not believe her when she was telling the truth, but this was a marvelous teaching tool. I pointed out that formerly I had always believed everything she said, but because she had started lying, I no longer could, and that people who had told lies could not blame anybody but themselves when they were not believed.\u00a0 We had a good long talk about reputation, about trustworthiness, about being the sort of person who could always be believed.\u00a0 It was hard, but by the time she was eight, I could once again believe everything she said.\u00a0 She is now an\u00a0extremely trustworthy and reliable adult who loathes dishonesty.\u00a0 Nobody ever doubts her because she is so honest.<\/p>\n I will add that I have witnessed\u00a0ongoing dishonesty in families where the children\u00a0are disciplined harshly and erratically; the sort where they are never sure whether they will be punished for something or not.\u00a0 It’s easier for them to lie to take the gamble that today Dad is in a bad mood and will punish for something he laughed at yesterday.\u00a0 Consistency is so important, and I think parents who make the cost of telling the truth higher than the cost of lying make a grave mistake.<\/p>\n I think for Christians, we must be careful not to depend on things of the world to do for us what we have been given the ability by God to do.\u00a0 And yet we must sometimes depend on others and other things to aid us in living our life to glorify Him.\u00a0 Even Timothy was told to “take a little wine,” right?\u00a0 In the end, it’s one of those “situation” answers, as you point out.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Question: If a child lies about something but eventually tells the truth under pressure, should she be punished for not telling the truth in the first place, or will that just encourage her to persist in the lie the next time?\u00a0 It seems to me we should be teaching them that the right thing to…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1028,1032],"tags":[665,392,29],"class_list":["post-13877","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting","category-preteen","tag-child-rearing","tag-lying","tag-parenting"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":4041,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/how-do-i-get-my-child-to-be-honest-with-me\/","url_meta":{"origin":13877,"position":0},"title":"How do I get my child to be honest with me?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"March 9, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: How do I get my child to be honest with me? Answer: First, set the proper example of being honest in all your dealings; not just with your child but with everyone around you. Just as Paul told Timothy in being a preacher he must, \"be an example to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1576,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/how-do-you-handle-a-teenage-liar\/","url_meta":{"origin":13877,"position":1},"title":"How do you handle a teenage liar?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"July 14, 2004","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Our 13-year-old lies about everything to get what he wants. He lies about not having homework when he does. He hides bad homework from us. We talk to the teachers every day now. He continues to lie even though he knows he is going to get caught. We must\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Adolescence"","block_context":{"text":"Adolescence","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/parenting\/adolescence\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":57646,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/it-was-only-a-small-fib-2\/","url_meta":{"origin":13877,"position":2},"title":"It Was Only a Small Fib (Article)","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"January 3, 2004","format":false,"excerpt":"by Jeffrey W. Hamilton I have concluded that much of the work of psychologists, psychoanalysts, and even philosophers is to help mankind remove the guilt and shame from their actions. People don't want to hear that their actions are wrong; their conscience is bothering them enough, thank you very much!\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Article"","block_context":{"text":"Article","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/article\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1566,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/what-are-the-biblical-consequences-to-lying\/","url_meta":{"origin":13877,"position":3},"title":"What are the biblical consequences to lying?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"July 9, 2004","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: What are the biblical consequences of lying? Answer: In a list of things that the Lord hates we find lying. \"These six things the LORD hates, yes, seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look,\u00a0a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Answer"","block_context":{"text":"Answer","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/answer\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":5419,"url":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/should-i-lie-for-my-daughter\/","url_meta":{"origin":13877,"position":4},"title":"Should I lie for my daughter?","author":"Jeffrey Hamilton","date":"May 30, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"Question: Should I lie for my 11-year-old daughter? She was spanked and sent to bed at 4 pm. When her friends came to the door my I told them she was sick. I didn't tell them she was being punished. 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Recently one of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Childhood"","block_context":{"text":"Childhood","link":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/category\/parenting\/childhood\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13877","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13877"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13877\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13877"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13877"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lavistachurchofchrist.org\/cms\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13877"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}