nagging – La Vista Church of Christ

I am about to marry and I love her dearly, but she constantly nags and complains

Jeffrey Hamilton — Sat, 23 Dec 2017 00:44:00 +0000

Question:

Sir,

I'm engaged to marry this wonderful lady in less than two months' time, whom I have dated for about 2 years. I describe her as wonderful because she is modest, she has done a great job guiding her virginity to date, and she is over 30 years of age. I call her wonderful because, during all this time of dating her, she has represented the kind of woman described in Proverbs 31. These qualities attracted me to want to marry her. But the only fault I found in her is consistent nagging and complaining. When she starts nagging, I will avoid her for the moment and come back when she calms down, which she accompanies with 'I'm sorry, please forgive me '. Of course, I always forgive her, but the cycle continues on and gets worse as our wedding day gets closer.

I'm tired and confused because she is modest, God-fearing, and has many other good qualities, which are scarce in the world of today, which is laden with promiscuous women. She doesn't live promiscuously, like having sex, drinking, clubbing, and all that. The only fault is this nagging and complaining. If she sees that I have become angry because of nagging and complaining, she will start apologizing.

I have discussed this with her. She promises to work on herself, but no progress in terms of change has taken place. I really wish she will stop nagging, if she does, then she is a perfect woman.

Please, I need your counsel.

Answer:

The book of Proverbs contains a number of warnings about a contentious woman:

"A foolish son is destruction to his father, and the contentions of a wife are a constant dripping" (Proverbs 19:13).

"It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman" (Proverbs 21:9).

"It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman" (Proverbs 21:19).

"It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman" (Proverbs 25:24).

"A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike; he who would restrain her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand" (Proverbs 27:15-16).

Clearly, there is a message here. Often you can put up with a problem for a while, but when it never ends, the irritation just magnifies. As Proverbs 27:15-16 states, you can't make a contentious person quit.

However, you should also examine your relationship and see if you are not encouraging this behavior. Often a woman will resort to nagging and complaints because she doesn't feel her views are being considered. Even when you disagree with her, you should mention what you understood her view to be and then explain why you decided to choose differently. At least she then knows you heard her.

Another problem is that men tend to look for the quickest solution to a problem, while women tend to look for the best solution to a problem. Men too often take offense when a woman continues to poke at a problem, thinking they disrespect their solution because they have not dropped the matter. However, it is just not how a woman thinks or operates. She is constantly questioning choices and trying to look at problems in several different ways. Sometimes a fast solution is good, but sometimes it is better to spend more time considering options. If this is the problem, then you need to be clear when a decision is done. "Honey, it may not be the best solution, but it needs to be the one we are going with because we can't continue to revisit it."

But if you are finding that she is never happy with anything you do or decide, then realize that it won't change after marriage. The time to fix this is now. Consider it a joint problem and talk about how you both can better communicate. But if you can't solve it, then I would suggest that you seriously rethink whether you want this for the rest of your life.

How do I get my wife to stop nagging?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Mon, 16 Oct 2017 00:38:00 +0000

Question:

Hello,

What does the Bible say about a nagging wife? She brings up legitimate concerns from time to time. We currently are having financial problems because we are having to pay for an upcoming childbirth, and we have had a lot of unexpected expenses come up this year. But she goes overboard with it to the point of nitpicking. It seems like I can't even get a Coke from the gas station without her complaining. Furthermore, she tries to guilt trip me by sending me articles insinuating that I am a bad husband because I won't go along with her penny-pinching. Sometimes I have to eat out because there were no leftovers for me to take to work, and she gripes at me for this too. I agree we need to spend less, but I am not at all in favor of cutting out all spending such as this. I have tried to explain to her that her nagging is counterproductive, and it just makes me extremely angry and much less likely to want to talk to her about this, but she doesn't listen.

Please help. I'm near the end of my rope!

Thank you for your consideration.

Answer:

If you are looking for a magic answer to stop complaints, there isn't one. "A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike; he who would restrain her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand" (Proverbs 27:15-16). The problem isn't so much the complaints, but rather that they don't seem to stop. Men want to solve problems, but situations like this seem to have no end.

A secondary part of the problem is that your wife is pregnant. Hormones do odd things to a woman's emotions. What it really boils down to is that she is looking for security so she can focus on the child without other concerns.

If you haven't already, work out a budget for your monthly expenses. Include in that budget a personal "fun" money for each of you. This will be for any expenses the individual wants to spend that is not covered by the budget -- say $100. Each month you withdraw that cash and use that for snacks or meals and when that money runs out, you have to wait until the next month's cash.

The budget, if kept, shows you are making progress on saving money. The cash-only spending on little things shows a willingness to take on personal restraint. There will still be discussions about where to set the budget limits each month, but during the month the problem has been resolved and a gentle reminder that this particular spending is covered in the budget will give her some security. It won't solve all the arguments, but facts keep things from getting out of hand.

Response:

Thanks for your reply! We are working on it!

We are constantly having to nag our daughter to get her chores done

Jeffrey Hamilton — Tue, 24 Oct 2006 22:00:10 +0000

Question:

I have a nine-year-old who is developing an attitude that we are always nagging and she can't do what she wants. Every time I ask her to do a chore she says yes, I go away, come back later and it won't be done. This can happen three or four times before she gets into trouble for not doing the task and ends up in tears. How do I get her to do these necessary chores, like tidy her room or pick up her things, without it turning into a war zone?

Answer:

The key to your problem is found in "this can happen three or four times before she gets into trouble." A friend of mine loves to tell a story told to him by a grandmother. She was visiting her daughter and sitting in the basement with her granddaughter when the child's mother called down "Katie, get up here and set the table." Katie looked up when mom called but went right back to playing with her dolls. Not wanting to interfere, grandma puzzled over what was happening. Again mom called, "Katie, get up here this instance and set the table!" Katie again looked up, but then went back to playing. Obviously the problem wasn't in Katie's hearing. A few minutes later, mom yelled: "Katie Lynn, you're going to be in big trouble if you don't march right up here!" Again Katie looked up but went back to playing. Unable to contain herself any longer grandma said, "Katie, don't you think you should get moving?" "Oh, no grandma," Katie replied, "I still have two more times. When she uses my full name, then I have to go." Grandma was dumbfounded, but sure enough on the second call after that mom yelled out Katie's full name, and Katie quietly got up and went upstairs.

Little Katie had her mom pegged. She knew the drill by heart ... because her mom trained her to wait.

The same thing is happening in your family. You're frustrated at your daughter, but she is only doing what you trained her to do. You taught her to delay. You've created the war zone. And the trick is to not play the game anymore.

When you tell little Susie to pick up her room and you return to find it untouched, you should deliver an immediate consequence and then tell her to pick up her room. It can be the immediate removal of the distracting item (book, toy, radio, or whatever) or you can give her a mild spanking. What you choose isn't so important as that it is perceived by the child as being an immediate negative consequence. There should be no warning or threat. There is no need to get angry or frustrated. You told your child to do something necessary and reasonable. Your daughter chose a consequence over obedience.

Depending on how stubborn your daughter is, you might have to repeat the consequence three or four times, but each and every ignoring of your request must bring about a negative consequence. It will not take long before Susie discovers that the game now has a new set of rules. Mom and dad mean what they say when they say it. Within days you will find Susie complying immediately. Nagging will disappear because you are no longer making idle threats or any threat at all.

Some children will do the minimum necessary to get by. You set the limits as to what delays are allowed. I would suggest that it be one statement only. One of these days there is going to be a fire in the house and you will want to be able to say "Susie, walk straight out the door as quickly as you can" and be confident that Susie is not going to delay but obey the very first time.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6).

What should a wife do if she feels unloved?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Thu, 23 Jun 2005 15:20:16 +0000

Question:

What should a wife do if she feels her husband doesn't love her anymore? He only touches me when he wants sex. He won't talk or discuss things with me. When I talk about the situation, he says that's all I talk about. He works all the time, does things for other people, goes out of town with the band, and participates in the church choir. He finds everything to do but spend time with his wife. There is more, but it seems to be a bit much for now. When I try to discuss divorce he says, "I never said anything about a divorce." So I don't know what to do. Maybe you can help me with this situation, even though I gave you little information. Thank you.

Answer:

Most people today will admit that men and women do not reason in the same manner. It took quite a number of years for the secular world to reach this seemingly obvious point. Notice that you say you don't feel that your husband loves you, but the very next statement indicates that he still finds you desirable. You indicate that he provides for his family (he works), he is kind (he does things for other people), and he is religious (he is involved in church services). However, you managed to find faults with each of these normally good qualities. Without direct observation, I know that in trying to make your point, you stretched things beyond the truth (a man who works all the time does not have time for the many other activities you listed).

Please don't think that I am coming down hard on you. I'm hoping to open your eyes to the bigger picture. Just about every woman that I've met argues in the same manner that you have done. However, such thinking hinders seeing reality. Feelings are not reality. Feelings are your responses to the things going on around you, but they may not be real. Let me illustrate this: Have you ever bawled at a really mushy movie? Yet, if I asked you, you would readily admit that the movie is not real. The people involved are just actors. The words and actions were carefully choreographed by some writer and director. Yet, that fake movie produced in you very real emotions. Feelings don't determine reality.

What I think is happening is that you are trying to see your husband as you would a woman friend. He is not behaving as you imagine a husband ought to behave and because he is not coming up to your expectations, you are downgrading his worth. The truth is that men, in general, are not all that hard to figure out. Men tend to say exactly what is on their minds. If they don't say anything, it is probably because they don't think it is worth someone else listening to it. Men also tend to express themselves by the things they do. Working hard at a job when you would rather be playing golf, fishing, or strumming a guitar is an expression of love in a man's mind -- he is demonstrating what is valuable to him. Your comfort is more important than his own. Touching is a man's way of saying "you're desirable to me." Mowing the lawn, fixing the leaky faucet, and watching the children while you shop are all expressions of love. The only thing missing is your seeing the clues. You are missing them because they are not what you would do to express love. But then, you are a woman; women ought to and do express love differently.

Unfortunately, wives want to fix this "problem" and poor hubby doesn't have a clue that a problem exists. Since women tend to be more verbal, they begin badgering their husbands. But men don't fit the imagined mold of women well. They usually are quite willing to make some adjustments, but often times their wives don't think the change is good enough and demand more. After a while, men give up. If nothing seems to please their wives, it seems best to just stop trying. Meanwhile, they avoid pain.

"The contentions of a wife are a continual dripping" (Proverbs 19:13).

"Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman" (Proverbs 21:9).

"Better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman" (Proverbs 21:19).

"It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman" (Proverbs 25:24).

"A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; whoever restrains her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand" (Proverbs 27:15-16).

Consider that in trying to make your husband meet your expectations, you are accidentally causing him to do the very thing you don't like. Men need women to be complete (Genesis 2:18), I am sure your husband would love to spend time with his loving wife, but few men enjoy being berated. Consider the message you are giving him. You want to spend time talking to him about leaving him! Just how is that going to make him feel wanted? Men want to be needed. They look to rescue because it makes them feel like a man. That is why your husband spends time helping others. It makes him feel worth something in someone's eyes. And at least with someone else, he gets a "thank you." That is why he likes playing in a band, at least there the audience claps in response to his efforts.

I don't usually recommend secular books, but Dr. Laura Schlessinger wrote a book that directly hits the point that you need to understand to turn your marriage around. It is called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Would you run out and get a copy at your library or bookstore and read it this week? Dr. Schlessinger did a great job of explaining to women how men think and react. When you are done, let me know what you've learned and then we can address any remaining issues.