autism – La Vista Church of Christ

How do we worship with an autistic child?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Tue, 14 May 2019 02:26:12 +0000

Question:

Hello.

I wrote to you about 5 or 6 years ago for some advice on how to help my severely autistic son during worship. Today, he is 8 years old, and going to worship never got easier. However, it got extremely hard, to the point where going was nothing but a major distraction and would cause quite a disturbance. It was an absolute dread to even think about going, let alone focus on what was being said. The last time we tried to sit during worship, he scratched me to the point of bleeding, and I had to take him and leave the building in tears.

We are a military family and have been stationed away from our family. We made a few Christian friends when we first moved here when our son was still young and still relatively easy to handle. Now that he is bigger, stronger, and louder, every person in our lives has disappeared. The church rarely invited us to activities, and we were okay with that because I have a very understanding heart. People are embarrassed, etc.

We decided to worship and take communion at home to worship at all. As soon as we started doing this, our only two friends who had talked to us in the church withdrew from us completely without warning. These two people were important to us, and we loved and adored them dearly. It has been almost two years since we have worshipped with other Christians. I know we are not supposed to rely on our feelings, but we have never been closer to God than my family is now.

We are not like most other families with children on the spectrum. We have no family for thousands of miles and no friends who we can trust to handle and care for a child like ours while we go to worship, so that is out of the question. We plan on trying to worship with other Christians again one day. We hope our son will become calmer with age and, with more therapy, be able to self-regulate better.

Do you believe it was right to be withdrawn from? For us, it feels like being kicked while you're already down. There is nothing more in this world that we want than to be a normal family who can go to worship and be involved with the church. I know from experience that asking a person who does not have a child on the spectrum is kind of a long shot at getting an understanding viewpoint, so it is okay if you don't have any good advice. But honestly, would you withdraw from us without warning?

I saw an ad a few months ago that a denominational church near here built a "sensory room" (not a nursery) for families who have children with severe autism. They said it was soundproof and had a see-through mirror where we could watch and listen to the sermon but not be a disturbance to others. I hope this is something that more churches will start doing with the ever-increasing occurrence of autism. I know that is tough, though, because most churches don't have a lot of money. I just wish the one that had it available here was not denominational, or we would be going back.

Thank you so much for your time

Answer:

I have helped families with autistic children, though none of my immediate family has autism. As was discussed years ago, autism describes a wide variety of symptoms, so what works with one family might not work with another. Also, please keep in mind that I can't answer for another congregation. I don't know all that went on or was said. It is not proper for me to draw conclusions with only a portion of the story that comes from one person's point of view.

Clearly, the brethren where you currently live don't understand mental illnesses well enough to know how to handle the problems. I don't know what solutions were suggested or tried -- if any were.

A monitor in a classroom, away from the central bustle of the congregation, would be one solution. There you could watch the services and the Lord's Supper could be brought to you.
If one of you are usually able to handle your son, then a less ideal solution would be for one to attend worship while the other stayed home, rotating so you both can enjoy some time with the congregation.
A livestream of the services would at least allow you to listen to lessons and sing with the congregation. This is something we do for those who are shut-in due to health.

I'm sure there are other possible solutions that could be worked out with brethren who love each other. If the expense is a problem, then offering to pay for all or a part of the accommodations is a way to get a discussion going. The route you and your husband took does keep your son calm by being in a familiar environment, but in reality, you are forming your own congregation. Yet, at the same time, it is not a congregation because it doesn't allow others to join you, it doesn't work to spread the gospel to other people, etc. Instead, I take it that you exist in isolation from others, which is why you are so lonely.

While you complain about the congregation withdrawing from you, isn't that what you have done to the congregation? Please understand that I'm not trying to take sides. I'm merely pointing out that effectively, whichever way you look at it, there has been a severing of the fellowship when you and your husband chose to worship at home.

My advice is to talk with the brethren in your area to ask for help in coming up with a workable solution to the problem. If no solution is found, then reach out to brethren in other areas to see what others have done in similar situations.

Comment from a Fellow Preacher:

One of our children has autism (she is 4 now). Getting her to sit through church services has been a battle (but then again, almost every aspect of life has felt that way). We've felt like we've had to re-learn parenting from scratch.

Leaving church hasn't been an option for us (obviously). We simply made the decision to have our kids present as much as we possibly can (i.e. unless someone is actually sick). Giving her sensory distractions has been helpful during services. There's been talk in the congregation of modifying the nursery to be more sensory friendly (but we haven't seen that as necessary yet). My wife has had to bear a large part of the burden of handling her during worship, and we've had many a service where she has not heard the sermon because of trying to take our daughter out of the auditorium during her "meltdowns."

We have good Sundays and bad Sundays. Lately, the goods have started to outnumber the bads. Consistency has been a huge key to our progress. Our daughter thrives on routine. Changing the routine means having to fight a battle. Once the routine is fixed and she knows what the "rules" are, she will sit for it (within reason). But teaching her the rules and maintaining them consistently is the challenge, and it will test your limits. (*Every* case of autism is unique and presents differently. But I think our experience has given me hope.)

It's absolutely not okay for others to hold themselves aloof or snub for invites over this. We've made an effort to invite people to things in our home. We've tried with all of our might to avoid letting this disrupt our social interactions with the members of the congregation. And the brethren here have been super helpful / understanding, so that's another plus.

If someone in our church felt the need to start worshiping "at home" because of frustrations like this, I wouldn't withdraw from them. I'd go to them and try to win them back. "What can I do to help?" "How can we accommodate your child's needs?" The local church is supposed to be a family that encourages, edifies, and builds up one another. This is an opportunity to help a family that is obviously afflicted. "Withdrawing" from them in this situation seems (at least to me), like a way of kicking someone when they're down.

How do we keep a two-year-old with autism quiet during services?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 02:29:00 +0000

Question:

Okay, so I have been wondering about this for a while. Our beautiful son, who is two years old, has autism. What we have been doing during worship for a year now is keeping him up late on Saturday night so he will sleep in the "nursing room" most of the morning at worship, so he's not disturbing the service and so that my husband and I can worship. It's a small building, so I can hear him if he cries or wakes up -- he's literally in the next room but because of his sensory problems he can't sit still or be quiet even if disciplined, which his therapist does not want us to really do. But I know we can't keep doing this forever. He is going to grow older.

We have tried using our iPad during service so he can watch a movie to keep him stimulated, but, of course, he gets upset because it's muted and it's also a distraction to other people and their children.

I never wanted to not go to worship because of his condition, but I just don't know what to do. When he is awake it's hard, and I myself or my husband end up having to walk out of the room with him and miss some or a lot of the service. The older he gets, the harder it is. I refuse to put him on drugs to make him a zombie, so that's out of the question. He also has very poor motor skills so he can't color or draw.

Have you ever had anyone with a situation like ours in your congregation before or know of anyone? I know children are supposed to worship with their parents and other Christians. This whole thing really breaks my heart. And I'm not sure how the brethren really feel about it. Sometimes I feel like they are embarrassed, but I can't say that for sure. They have been real sports about it so far to our faces.

I would like to add that I am in no way ashamed of my son. I just don't want to disturb worship and prayer and I would love to hear more of the sermons, etc. It's okay if you can't give us any advice. I know this is not very common, although I do know that is starting to become more and more common with 1 in every 45 boys these days having autism, and that number increases every year.

Thank you, God bless.

Answer:

I've asked several friends who have dealt with autism and related disorders in their families to reply. Here is one:

My name is Whit Sasser, a gospel preacher in Appleton, Wisconsin. I, too, have a son with autism. Jeff Hamilton forwarded me your questions about autism and church services and asked if I would respond, something I am glad to do.

My son is 19 years old and is high-functioning autistic. As you probably know, there are differing degrees of autism and my son was never a problem to deal with in church services any more than it was dealing with all of my seven children. But we have a number of people in our congregation who have children with more difficult degrees of autism so that I see up close the challenge it can be.

First of all, congregations should be as sympathetic as possible. As the prevalence of autism and other neurological disorders increases, the understanding of others will likewise need to be heightened. So, I trust church members will show the love of Christ and be understanding of the difficulties you are having.

Second, as your child grows, as much as possible, you will do well to expect of him the same you would of someone his age without autism. Babying him will not help in the long run. So keep expectations typical for his age, including how to be quietly occupied in a church service.

In a very severe case, one in which disturbances are beyond reasonable, then special arrangements will have to be made. But this is true of a lot of handicaps, not just autism. Those special arrangements may vary from place to place and from time to time, so I will not promote any specific one, but this is done for the elderly, the handicapped, and maybe also those who think autistically.

Feel free to question me further.

Go well.

Whit

Why did God force me to live with autism when I don’t want it?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 03:51:00 +0000

Question:

People say God does not force, but why did God force me to be alive? Even He saw my life before I was born, and God knew that I didn't want to be alive. Why was I born with autism? It is so hard to have autism. Why can't I be normal like other people? What do you think would happen if I wasn't born with autism?

Is suicide a sin? The Bible doesn't say anything about suicide being a sin, does it? If it does, then why is it a sin? Is harming yourself a sin? If it is, then why? If Christians say harming yourself is a sin, then why do I see Christians drink pop? Pop leads to kidney infections and kidney stones. They're hurting themselves when drinking pop. What do you say about this?

Are you glad God made me? If I lived right where you're at right now, and you caught me hurting myself, would you stick me in a suicide hospital? If yes, then why?

Answer:

That God doesn't force things to happen as He desires is clearly false. The world would not exist if God did not make it happen. But even on a personal scale, do you remember the story of the Ten Plagues? Those plagues forced Pharaoh to release the Israelites from slavery. As God once said, "Indeed I have spoken it; I will also bring it to pass. I have purposed it; I will also do it" (Isaiah 46:11). That is what God's sovereignty means.

No one asks to be alive. And every person can list good and bad things about his life. The problem is that it is very easy to focus only on the bad things and forget that good things also exist. I don't know why you were born with autism, just as I don't know why others were born blind, deaf, or with missing limbs. I know God is in control, but you and I don't have insight as to what God sees and plans. There are too many variables involved. I don't know what God sees that you can do with your life, and I can't begin to know what your life would have been like without autism.

One time, the disciples came across a blind man, and that generated a discussion: "Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, saying, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?' Jesus answered, 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him'" (John 9:1-3). The disciples had assumed that handicaps must be because of sin. It might be true in a few cases, but Jesus said it wasn't true in this case. Unknown to the blind man and his parents, God had put him in a position where Jesus could use him to prove God's power.

I guess people could get wrapped up in sadness, saying that because they didn't have wealth, beauty, or height, they couldn't be happy. I feel sorry for such people because they are missing out on so much joy. "Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:11-13). Contentment is choosing to be happy regardless of what happens to you in life.

I've known miserable people who have everything and happy people who have almost nothing. So what I'm saying is that you can decide to be miserable and blame it on your autism, or you can decide to be happy and work around your particular handicap. I hope you choose to be happy.

We haven't talked very long yet, but I can assure you that if I knew you were hurting yourself, I would do whatever I could to stop you. I hope it won't be a case where you need to go to the hospital. That is because I care about the people I talk to, and you, especially, are no exception. Of course, I'm glad God made you. I wouldn't have another young friend to talk with if you weren't here.

Someone asked me several years ago why suicide was a sin. Rather than write it out again, I want you to read the answer: "Why is suicide a sin?"

Your comparison to pop is not a good one. Everyone who drinks soda pop does not get kidney infections or kidney stones. A few people might be susceptible to those things and, because of that, must avoid them, just as some people have diabetes and must closely control the sugars they consume. It would be wrong for a person who knows he has diabetes to go overboard on his sugar consumption because it would harm him, but it doesn't mean that everyone who eats a sweet dessert is harming himself.

But the general answer to the question of whether it is right to harm yourself, the answer is no. "For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church" (Ephesians 5:29). Sometimes Satan fills a person's life with so many lies that they think for a time that they don't like themselves or their life, but those are lies. You are a good young man who wants to do right. I want you to enjoy your life.

“The World is Mine!”

by Dot Aaron

Today, upon a bus, I saw a lovely girl with golden hair.
I envied her, she seemed so gay; I wished I were as fair.
When suddenly she rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg, and wore a crutch,
And as she passed – a smile.
O God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two legs, the world is mine!

And then I stopped to buy some sweets.
The lad who sold them had such charm
I talked with him – he seemed so glad –
If I were late ‘twould do no harm.
And as I left he said to me:
“I thank you. You’ve been so kind.
It’s nice to talk with folks like you.
You see,” he said, “I’m blind.”
O God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two eyes, the world is mine!

Later, walking down the street,
I saw a child with eyes of blue.
He stood and watched the others play
It seemed he knew not what to do.
I stopped a moment, then I said,
“Why don’t you join the others, dear?”
He looked ahead without a word,
And then I knew – he could not hear.
O God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two ears, the world is mine!

With legs to take me where I would go –
With eyes to see the sunset’s glow –
With ears to hear what I would know –
O God, forgive me when I whine.
I’m blest indeed, the world is mine!

Question:

I have been in a suicide hospital before, and it is horrible. It would be devastating if I went back. It is my life; I can do whatever I want with it. Why not die sooner than later? I don't want any help from a suicide hospital. I refuse to let the hospital help me.

Answer:

I would think that if you don't like such places, then you won't do the things that cause you to end up in such places. Harming yourself is neither good nor normal. You want to be normal; well, suicide is not normal. People understand this, whether you want to accept it or not. If you hurt yourself, you lose control over your life. People will help you whether you want it or not.

However, you start off in a false position. Your life is not yours to do with as you please—it never has been.

"Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's" (I Corinthians 6:19-20).

God made you and gave you your life. Now you are pouting in a corner like a spoiled child, complaining that you don't like the gift that God gave you. You claim that it isn't good enough.

God said, "Behold, all souls are Mine; The soul of the father As well as the soul of the son is Mine; The soul who sins shall die" (Ezekiel 18:4). Death won't take you out of God's hands. "For none of us lives to himself, and no one dies to himself. For if we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord's" (Romans 14:7-8). Somehow you think of death as an end -- it isn't, it is the beginning of eternity. If you sin by murdering yourself, you will end up in a place far worse than any suicide hospital, and there will be no getting out of that place. I care too much about you to see a fine young man throw away a perfectly good soul.

Who knows, in five years someone might figure out a way to help people with autism. Already things are much better than they were twenty-five years ago. But the only people with hope are those who are alive. "But for him who is joined to all the living there is hope, for a living dog is better than a dead lion" (Ecclesiastes 9:4).

Never forget that many love you: God foremost, your parents, even your brother, though that might seem hard to imagine, and me least of all. My friend, I want you to stay and share life with me. There will be good and bad times, but life is an adventure to be enjoyed. Will you do me a favor and read The Courage to Live?